I used to be a door to door vacuum salesman, I knocked a 93 year old ladies house and did my pitch, after being told no a few times she let me in to clean her windows. I do my demonstration, as I do I notice she has really shitty memory, she asked who I was a few times and why I was there, I remind her I'm here to clean her windows. After I'm done trying to sale the vacuum and she doesn't buy it, I ask her for windex and clean all the windows in her shitty trailer, when I was done I pack up and get ready to leave, and she tips me 30$ A lightbulb lit up like a 1000w in my head, so I just bs with her a little, and around 20mins later say "so, how about I get those windows done for you" I left that house 2 hours later and $150 richer
me and my homeboy were high as fuck play fighting and i bumped into an old lady... and she fell face first on the concrete and me n my homeboy started runnin n then we smoked a dub blunt
I have pissed in a yellow Gatorade bottle and some kid drank it and to this day he has no knowledge of the incident. In 8th grade I was expelled from my private school and when he told me that I sat there quietly and then about 5 seconds later I told him I was going to kill his fucking family and jizz all over his dead wifes face. My older brother found it funny but sadly my parents did not. I was on a youth mission trip when I was 16 and I had a threesome with two sexy girls that had come along...and before we fucked, we got high as hell in the church. The reason why I was expelled in 8th grade was that this girl let me touch her boobs (even though she had a bf, total whore) and then I fingered her in the bathroom. I was a terrible, arrogant spawn of Satan until I reached high school but oh well
Hahaha if you put your worst shit on here, people would look at your comment and be like "this man belongs in an insane asylum"
I grew up on a farm so whenever my parents went out I would buttfuck the cows, chickens and pigs..... I was caught stuffing a chicken by my dad when I was 12 and he shot himself in the head... I then proceeded to suck his dick after I lubed it up with the mush of his brains.....
Broke into this guys house and jacked his weed because he ripped me off and pissed me off because he was a d bag! He obviously knows now that he got his house broken into and his shit stolen but to this day he doesn't believe it was me. FYI: Don't fuck with me!
I belive it was 9th grade, I friend of mine had some tampons in her bag, I had a idea. The next day I show up to school with a ziplock bag full of peanutbutter and she had about half a dozen tampons. I diped the tampon s in peanutbutter ( I mean ALOT) and proceded to throw them at people and they would stick. I remeber i got this one kid walking to the buses with one, I can only imagion what these people thought when they found out
When I was a sophomore in high school, me and some friends were goofing off in our machine tool class. Well we decided to start prank calling people. My buddy dialed up a random number,said "hello I am calling from the hospital, it seems that your husband came in for some tests, if you can tell us his name we can verify that this is the right number and let you know the results. " She said his name so we said, "yes we have the correct number, the test results came back positive for aids, his hiv didn't lay dormant as long as we thought it would" She started crying and shit.and we got off the phone and never told her we was joking. I still feel bad about this
those are all fucking hilarious mine: a situation of roughly 3,000 dollars in property damage and got away with it
Got fucked up one night and broke inside a church with a friend and had sex there on a saturday night. Was fucking her and accidentally looking at a pick of jesus on the wall. Had to stop for a second before I continued to get my mind straight. The next morning I went to church earlier then everyone else and her red laced panties were still on the bench. Before the service started I was sitting on the opposite side and some old lady saw them and called the pastor over and he looked as if some demon rose from hell. I couldnt help but laugh that I had to leave the room for a second. Came back and the panties were no where to be seen. 2nd thing is I wanted to test the top speed of my Camaro Z28 with a (350 small block chevy) at midnight and to my surprise I was about at 147mph and there was a cop chilling in the median. I didnt notice him until I passed him and then he turned on his lights and started chasing me. I never let off the pedal and floored it (WOT) Wide Open Throttle & tuned off my lights and flipped on my fog lights and about 2 miles got off the nearest exit and turned into the nearest gas station, quickly hid behind there for a good 15 minutes. Adrenaline was pumping through my body and im sure he clocked me. At that speed here in florida I would of gone to jail if I was caught.
I have beat off in a church bathroom, used to beat off everyday during math class in the bathroom(8th grade), I shit on some random guys lawn and wiped my ass with my boxers then threw them on the lawn, and beat off on my friends couch. What can i say
Ahhh. I am a souless ginger, or was....I have soooo many fucked up stories. Here is one that The most fucked up? This isn't the most fucked up butt, this shit still haunts me. Partly due to the sheer value of all of that, and partly since it was pretty damned shitty.. When I was 18, some kid broke some of my grandma's antique china, and I was like, "yo you gotta pay for that man," I had warned him to stop being so sloppy...He took me a tad too serious and word of mouth was that he was so scared of me for some reason, called another friend to pick him up and then he grabbed "HIS" safe and dropped it in my lap...not literally dropped it, it was like 150 lbs and he was really struggling..He called it his safe over and over and over. I soon learned otherwise.....I didn't know it was his dads/family, and he was a dopeboy, I knew they have safes, so he said crack it, and I did, and hundreds of 1oz gold coins spilled out....Like a kid in a candy store I kept digging and more and more, tubes and sheets and mint boxes...... He then handed me 10oz of 22k coins gold, 2000 cash, all from the safe and said keep my mouth shut. I knew so little at the time that I passed up on the countless 50$ Canadian Gold's cos I was like, "cant spend em here" and went for the US 20's and 50's...DERP. Canada's gold coins are 4ninesfine, US ones are mostly 1nine fine. Passed on the .9999 for the .900 since they were "familiar" I'll be honest with ya grasscity. The shit haunts me, I HAD OVER A MILLION Dollars worth of gold on my living room floor, lap, and hands. I knew nothing of the stuff really at the time.... If each coin's worth was taken via numismatics it would have been significantly more. RARE Carson City Gold, SILVER, Morgan silver dollars that were un-circulated from the 1800's.........His whole family's life savings, bonds, wedding tapes, class rings from the 50's.....His grandparents wedding photos...........I won't lie, I am a sentimental fuck and I, I kinda choked up and was like "man, this is fucked up bro, forget the china and help me clean this shit up"..I wanted nothing to do with all of that heartbreak...and about 5 minutes after we clean it up..His dad text messaged him and was like, "GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!" I handed him everything he GAVE ME back, and as he left he tossed me an 1891 un-circulated and Graded MS 63 slabbed Carson City Gold 20$ coin (very rare and valuable) and an modern St Gaudens 20$..... I wanted him to pay, not his fucking family.