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What the fuck is going on in my head?!

Discussion in 'General' started by Stoogemeister, Apr 23, 2010.

  1. #1 Stoogemeister, Apr 23, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 23, 2010
    There is no point to this thread, im just going to say some things i cant get out of my head, and mabye i will learn something from you

    - I am constantly on a back and forth because of marijuana. "i only got a bowls worth, save it so i can smoke tomorrow, or smoke it now and just get high as fuck?! Well i can just buy more, wait, i dont have a job, and im low on money, shouldnt i be saving up and stop blazing for a while?"

    - I always think about quitting smoking MJ but i never do for more than a week or two

    Finally i realize that just because im graduating high school, doesnt mean that i am free. I have no money, not going to college. So i guess i join the rest of the sheep, work the 9-5 so i can save up for better times ahead, yea. Thinking about my future makes me feel like there is an invisible hand clutching my upper abdomen

    -Sometimes i see one of my parents, my mother or father, and i wonder what their lives will be like when i have moved out along with the last of my siblings. Will they be lonely, will they realize the simple interactions they had? Will I realize what i had?
    What if one of my parents dies, will the other simply live on in the old creaky house, drowning in their sorrow, alone, until they themselves die?

    -people everywhere, working all day every day, to come home, sit and drink wine and watch television. On my night adventures i have always realized one thing. Every house i pass, rows upon rows, carries the flickering blue light of a television. With survival no immediate concern, time becomes a thing to be wasted.

    -today i came across an old old video on a retro camcorder, it was taken in 1991 and i was a small small lad, couldnt even walk yet. It was a video of Christmas Eve, in a house we used to live in that i cant even remember. I saw my mother, she looked young and skinny, healthy and happy. I saw my father, streaks of grey absent from his head of hair. My brother and my sister, all happy and healthy.
    For some reason, i felt terribly terribly sad. An almost overwhelming wave of sadness just washed over me but i just kept watching. All i could think about was that, this video is just a memory now. A memory of a happy time. In this video they had no idea, none of them had any idea, what kind of pain they would experience. They had no idea, in that moment of bliss, how bitterly the family would transform at times into a house of hostility, shame, sadness and sorrow.

    - I feel human beings are just getting weaker. Technology has made us soft. Eventually we will rely so much on technology, that physically we will barely be doing anything at all. We are just warm sacks of meat.

    - I wish people would like each other more. Everyone just seems to hate everyone its fucking madness. Why is it that, i walk down the hall, and if i see a stranger and look them in the eye, they look away? Why do people feel the need to break this connection that we had, just for a moment. So quick to judge, sometimes all i want is a simple bullshit chit chat, but they cant give me that, they WONT give me that, because of some kind of judgment they have already made

    - Heres something that i never really told anyone, cause i dont know how to explain it. But sometimes when my friends call me, i just wont pick up or respond. Sometimes over the weekend or something, i will just literally shut my phone off and not speak to anyone.
    Its gotten to a point where they dont really call me anymore, and if i never pick up, they dont ask about it when i see them, because they know i cant explain my bullshit.

    now dont get me wrong, i like all of my friends, i love them in fact, and i would gladly die for any of them. Though i think sometimes it may be because i dont give a shit about my own life rather than being a selfless person

    when im with people man, i dont know how to say it i just dont feel like one of the guys anymore. Even at a party, my best friends party, where liquor and drugs mask any awkwardness that could occur. I STILL found myself alone. I have plenty of friends, and i think its safe to say everyone there was a friend of mine, but still, eventually, the crowd would disperse from me, and instead of following, i would remain, alone, with a guitar in my hand, drunk and high, wondering why i am alone, and it would happen again and again.

    im not a violent person or anything like that, it just seems that everyone is chasing something, and im not. Everyone is just goin round and round bouncing off the walls with social interaction and high hopes of bright future in their college and future life.
    But still, i just remain, and think, and everything is black and white, and no conclusions are ever reached, and im still alone.

    - Sometimes i walk to the beach at night, and i sit close to the waters edge, listening to the ocean taking deep breaths inhaling and exhaling and and sisssling of water through pebbles. I just sit there by myself and stare at the stars, or the water. See the light polluted haze hanging over me, blocking out most of the stars and i frown. Deep in thought, almost meditative state, sirens or alarms go off in the distance and i am snapped back into harsh reality. And the only thing that seems to bring peace is the great breathing monster in front of me.

    - I wish i could believe in a God all the time


    At my friends party i mentioned above^, i was smoking out of a large bong with these two girls, one of them i knew the other i didnt. Anyway the one i didnt know, every time she passed me the bong she muttered a "here ya go" and it DESTROYED ME.
    I dont know how to FUCKING explain it but every time she said it and handed it to me, its like my whole world came crashing down, and i could picture her easily 40 years from now, getting older and older, remembering the years of her youth, but she wont remember this memory, so small and insignificant it will pass like a photograph thrown into the wind. And then one day she will die, as we all will die, and that will be her life, and that will be my fraction of time spent in it,

    And a couple weeks ago i was sitting on a bench in my school. I was supposed to be in a class but i wasnt because i wasnt feeling too great as they say. This beatiful spanish girl a year younger than me stops and asks if im alright, i said yea, i guess i looked pretty depressed but whatever. We walked around for a while, i still dont know what her name was but anyway she eventually just stops and says "do you want to cry?" and i didnt really know what to say, i did, truthfully, but i said no and asked her why. She said it was because i looked very sad. I said, what is the point of crying, what will that solve. Nothing, she said, but it feels good to release those things that get pent up.
    I said i understood. She asked what i wanted to do, i said go outside and sit in the sun. She said alright, and said goodbye. I walked out into the sun and sat on a cliff overlooking the lower fields and tried to think of anything but what just happened. to this day i dont know why but whenever i think of that day it kind of hurts. it doesn't make any sense

    thats all i really have to say, i dont know why, any of it, but i needed to say something. God bless every one of you anonymous souls i will never meet
  2. its nice to know someone out there has similar beliefs like me on society
  3. I feel you man.
  4. Good post.

    Sometimes it feels good to get shit off your chest, even if it is to an internet forum for a bunch of stoners.
  5. Pretty deep shit. I felt the same way after HS. Still do actually. Its a trip
  6. why aren`t you going to college man. That`s what im doing after HS, mainly cause im kinda scared of the real world. Im used to school, and I dont think im mature enough to go out in the real world, so ima work my ass off this last year of HS and go to college, get a fresh start, and meet some new friends

    That`s my plan, man, why not go to college, it`s a great experience in itself, and it opens so many opportunities
  7. I completely feel you, man. I recently watched some home videos, and all it did was bring sadness. It kind of seems like you're introverted. That's exactly how I am.
  8. It's called addiction, that thing potheads deny exists lol. It's not a rob your grandmas house addiction, but addiction none the less.

    As far as the rest of it, everyone does that. It's meaningful thought.
  9. ^^

    im not going to college because of financial issues and i also dont believe i have the motivation or willpower to succeed in further education
  10. You know what's going on in your head? Normal human thoughts.

  11. this is bs. you dont have the willpower nor motivation because like you said, you don't believe you do. believe in yourself man. now if higher education isnt som3thing youre interested in, the word up do what youre doing--progressing in life.

    mj has an impact on motivation. mj has an impact on willpower.
  12. A. you sound like an introvert, so read up and understand what it is and you will be all the better...

    B. if you have no faith in yourself, then your right, you cant do anything, but dude, no ones gonna do it for you, you gotta decide what you want and go for it, whatever that is.

  13. you are absolutely right, as well as you flashlight. I've known that i lack willpower and motivation all my life, but whenever i really start to try, whether its in school or whatever, it never lasts very long. And now it seems im at the last couple steps and everyone is ready for the next stage, whereas i am still lost as fuck.

    I could go to a community college for a year, do really good and then transfer to a better school. That seems like a good productive choice. But i know it will just come down to ME, and the willpower that i have, instead of just fuckin around saying, "oh i could have done this and this if i really tried"
  14. #14 Wet Horse Lips, Apr 23, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 23, 2010
    Ticking away, the moments that make up a dull day.

    I feel you, Stooge. I feel you exactly.

    Why is it the only people I connect with happen to be on a computer-mediated community? :( Fuck.

    I'm a Media Studies student, and trust me... the future looks bleak. I look around my classes at fellow students who are supposed to be critically interpreting media and not are not enamored by it. Yet, I look around the room and there they are, browsing Facebook while the most awesome professor is giving a lecture on some mind-blowing topic. Texting, texting, texting, God damn it.

    Has anyone else noticed the number of conversations revolving around Facebook? I'll be standing in line at Tim Horton's and hear people talking about a fucking hilarious conversation that they had on Facebook with each other. I don't know, maybe I need to "get with the times" before the time gets me.

    Tired of lying in the sunshine; staying home to watch the rain. You are young and life is long; there is time to kill today.
  15. Man, this feels as if I wrote this.
    My EXACT thoughts, in every which way.
  16. i feel you man. im kind of similar to you, in the respect where my mind is constantly going and thinking of one things which eventually end up depressing me. although one thing that seems to me is that i judge a lot of people as stupid or incompetent and without a constant stream of thoughts in their heads. idk if youre familar with post secret, if not you should check it out, but its incredibly depressing to me just because it makes me realise that everyone is walking around with these tough secrets and thoughts weighing down on them and really doing a number on their over productivity as a human. you kind of remind me of that thought, realising maybe that other humans have more going on in their minds than i typically give them credit for.

    i kind of got sidetracked towards the end of that man, but as far as the college issue goes, if you can financially manage doing community college, i would recommend that just because any further on in life if you decide that you want to go back to school, its going to be way more difficult.

    i was actually just accepted to the media studies program at my school too but thats kind of besides the point. i know exactly what you mean with everyone being on facebook in class while some professors actually have decent things to say. a lot of the students i see dont even show up for class, or when they do theyre on facebook the entire time, and then complain about how difficult and impossible the teacher is.
  17. If you cut out that God bullshit you should be alright.:)
  18. damn man, i feel that exact same way. like i WANT to get started on my life, i WANT to get a job, i WANT to go to school, its just when it comes time to doing it. i just dont care. i need to turn things around
  19. Glad I got to read through this thread, couldn't sleep earlier because I had some of these same thoughts and feelings running through my head. Gives me relief knowing that there are other blades thinking about the same things.

    Stooge you aren't alone man, don't ever forget that there are many folks thinking the same thing too, if thats of any assurance.

    The world works in mysterious ways, but there's a beauty in understanding it, even through it's more frustrating and confusing moments.

    All the people who rely on technology and the media would be lost if those two resources disappeared off the face of the Earth, would you? That's what separates you from them, they'll be running in circles while you navigate freely and become ahead of the game.

    Sorry if this comes out an unfocused mess, just thought I'd offer some input.
  20. #20 PennLaxPlayer, Apr 23, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 23, 2010

    Make a decision about marijuana, either you smoke it or you don't. You don't have to do it all the time. And honestly if deciding when to smoke that bowl is worrysome, just smoke it. Then your high and no more worries. Get your next sack whenever, dont dwell on it.

    You probably don't quit because you don't want to. Duh. The answers are written on the wall in red marker. :rolleyes:

    You may not have free time, and have to work, but honestly suck it up. You have options. You let everyone dupe you into thinking you have to work 9-5 and hate life. Go hiking for the summer, get out and live. Find your own happiness. Or find someone that makes you happy. Go out with no expectations and you wont be disapointed. Just please don't work the 9-5, because you obviously don't want to. Success should be measured by you, and you alone. (PS. you have probably have OCD and anxiety. Just chill. Don't try to sort every problem out in your mind when you get that clutching feeling, just tell yourself you are fine and everything will work itself out. I get the same feeling and the ONLY thing that helps is to quit fearing the fear, and see at what angle the shit hits the fan.)

    Who cares if you aren't one of the guys anymore. The fact you feel that way and you shut your phone off is either from depression or from the fact you want better things then partying with friends.

    Who cares if the houses you pass are filled with people watching TV, thats what they want. Go find what you want. Quit being a bitch and go live. You talk about the Spanish girl and it being a sad day, thats because you never said what you should have said. And you know what that was.

    Get over it and quit worrying if you will be a sad lonely individual, dieng from aging. It will be a self-furfilling proficy unless you act.

    Try this, tomarrow. Throw your phone out. Quit your job. Buy some camping equipment and a storage facility. Go hike. Don't get directions. Don't plan shit. Just fucking go. Find a girl, talk to them, maybe shit works out. Maybe it doesn't. Its impossible when YOU say it is.

    Go live for christs sake :D (And for the part about doubting god, fuck it. Everyone has doubts. If god does not forgive you for forgetting about him, and finding true happiness, then fuck him. Seriously, fuck him. lol) And the part about your parents and the rough hostile household.... Fuck them too. Quit pittying yourself and realise that happiness comes from you, home is where you decide it is, and family can be anything from a pet turtle, to a group of two hundred people you barely know.

    Edit: Sorry for gratuitis use of swearing, but some stuff needs said, and I am glad my friends said the same stuff to me at a certain point in my life. Sure, my days are not the best. But the best is when you realize that you can go anywhere or try anything(Within some reasonable limits.) But as far as the being alone and being bored with life. You have the option to try something new, and you also have the option to try and talk to a girl you like. The key word is try, you never know unless you try.

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