What do you make of this situation?? It's a long one but I need advice, any thoughts?

So, I have a story for everyone and anyone who would like to take the time to read.. And you can tell me what you think, or if you have any advice or anything I'd appreciate it. This is basically my ridiculous story / timeline of smoking weed.

So, it all started with boredom, I got in a argument with someone back in high school in my calculus class that weed can't cure cancer and I'm not the one to continue arguing when I don't know it for a fact so I did some hardcore googling and read some raw, credible studies... all to find that weed actually CAN and DOES cure people's cancers and it's VERY well documented on countless studies... so I found that intriguing and kept googling things about it and then found that it isn't the dangerous drug that the government claimed it to be...

I then went home and kept researching it, hours after hours, I read studies after studies and each one even MORE impressive than the last.

I read that cannabis lowers blood pressure, I find out that it has literally ZERO addiction potential, I find out that it very effectively elevates pain, I find it cures migraines, I find it reduces all types of swelling and inflammation, reduces all unnecessary pressures in our bodies, I find out it's antibacterial, antifungal, it can kill viruses, it stops the immune system from overacting to things (why it's useful for AIDS patients, AIDS cannot spread as well if you are a stoner haha it just about stops the progression) I find out it's a POWERFUL antioxidant in the brain VERY powerful too, I find out CDB is a potent antipsychotic and anti-anxiety, I find out THC and CBD are BOTH antidepressants and are apparently quite effective for people (I even believe it may have saved my best friend's life after he tried to commit suicide, he was so depressed over a girl that left him that he would try to find ways to commit until he started smoking, I NEVER EVER saw him down AGAIN, had good grades and everything after)

I kept researching and found THE most monumental study I've ever read, and here it is: JCI - Cannabinoids promote embryonic and adult hippocampus neurogenesis and produce anxiolytic- and antidepressant-like effects

CANNABINOIDS GROW brain cells, I read that this shit after ALL THIS I read about the UNFUCKING BELIEVABLE list of things weed can apparently do for something, it's now strongly linked to GROWING new brain cells. This blew my mind. I decided, that aside from my previous mindset that I would never even bother trying a drug that I would try weed, I didn't even care if I loved it or not (which I learned from friends and google that there is basically no way that I will NOT love it) I decided that I would at least have it for it's AMAZING benefits... I never believed in something to exist like this. And it's all true..

But now here's where my life went to hell after all this excitement....


After months of intriguing research, finally deciding I kind of want to TRY weed, I hit some strange article about a small number of people getting panic attacks when smoking weed that's high in THC / CBD ratio, in example: Sativa strains...

I say fuck it, and I go out and buy some homegrown medical from a friend, some VERY VERY nicely grown Trainwreck... Me and my friend drive up the road at night before going to a play and park and start smoking bowls, I expected the high to be instant for some reason and got really annoyed that I wasn't getting high after the first five minutes or so and held as huge deep hits as I possibly could one after another... then we got back in the car and drove away, my friend said "Hey man, it's all good, you know not EVERYONE can get high the first time they smoke, you know? No worries man, maybe next time!"

And BAM FUCKING SHIT IT HIT ME SO HARD SO FAST I couldn't hear a FUCKING WORD this kid was saying next to me, I couldn't even concentrate on anything he was saying my mind was fucking blown from how high I got. We stopped by at my house real quick because we were running late and we grabbed some water and hid the rest of the weed back in my closet, then jogged back downstairs and drove to the play.

When we got there we realized we were five minutes late and we had to park like a mile away so we ran up to the front doors and barely made it to buy a ticket. Then I sat down and we started to watch the show, then after a few minutes thinking about how fucking HIGH I was, a thought popped into my mind and it all went to fucking hell.....

I thought, "Wow, well I guess trainwreck IS a potent sativa. HOLY fuck it is ONE POTENT sativa....... Sativa's have a bad reputation to cause anxiety... anxiety runs in my family... FUCK what if I HAD a panic attack... what does that even mean what does that even FEEL LIKE? ... OH SHIT MY HEARTRATE IS EXPLODING RIGHT NOW!! Oh my god, I don't even LIKE this, I don't even LIKE this right now HOLY SHIT I'M FREAKING OUT I GOTTA GET OUT OF HERE FUCK FUCK FUCK!!" And so I just left and started walking around, went to the bathroom took deep breaths, told myself it was okay, there is no need to freak out about anything. I splashed water on my face a couple times, no real help... I went outside and just walked around in weird ass figure 8s and shit in the lower parking lot, thinking of how this was a mistake, but not caring AT ALL about my heartrate but I COULDN'T STOP, my mind didn't CARE about anxiety but my body DID, my heart was still exploding with beats...

I tried to do something to forget about the heart palps so I started trying to freestyle rap (lol) hearing that people can rap so much better when they were high, I decided to give it a try (like my rhyme? -Non intentional) So I started rapping, spilling some serious lines, I kept going on one verse for an hour it felt like, just walking alone in cirlces in a random parking lot (LOL I can't imagine what I looked like.. oh boy..)

So after let's say 30 minutes at least of rapping, my heart was STILL beating out of my chest, I LITERALLY DID NOT GIVE A FUCK about my anxiety but I still had it, and it was still ruining my experience... It was still a MASSIVE regret... then I come across a vending machine and bought some "munchies" and just sat down somewhere and ate, (still freaking out though... just not as much) and eventually after a couple hours it slowly went away, until there was no more anxiety, my friend came outside when the play was over and I told him all about it... then I went home and layed down and IMMEDIATELY passed out (which was actually amazing because I had always suffered from severe insomnia...)

And that was my FIRST experience high... For the next month I suffered from panic attacks every once in a while, it would always be at night, it wasn't fun..

Then they eventually faded away in the past and I stopped getting them.. Until one day I read more about panic attacks and weed, to learn that it must've been the combination of the strain I was smoking and the amount I was smoking and the rushy / public setting I was in... obviously, because there HAS to be at LEAST one weed that's perfect for everyone with SO many strains out there... So I assumed I just needed a chill setting with some INDICA dominant higher CBD / THC ratio weed to settle myself into the world of weeds.

SO, I went and tried to just take small amounts of indica dominant strains... but everytime I would see weed knowing I was planning on smoking it I would get NERVOUS, not happy and exited like the rest of the world gets ... I got SUPER NERVOUS... and I would say well, I need to do this... I have to get over my fears. So I would go to my friends house every other day for our double study hall sessions we had and I would smoke just a little with them... but NO, that WASN'T a good idea because it just ended up stressing me out, I just got antsy and my heart would pound (I wouldn't smoke enough to get very high usually, if high at all.. I would like clear a bong maybe at most, you know, baby steps) But eventually I smoked a little more and then one time, on some good indica / hybrid, I smoked a few good hits of that and got QUITE high again... and I went back to school... I immediately had to leave lol, I was too overwhelmed again to go to ap french and speak another language and interact with people... oh NO, no way. So I went and walked around in the woods... and just TRIED to calm down my yet again racing heart and overwhelming panicky feeling I had... (not as BAD as before, but still not "chill" haha) then about half way through I remembered I had to make up a test in ten minutes so I walked back to school and confronted my french teacher about needed to make up the test I missed after just missing class and he simply gave it to me and I sat down in a study hall across the hall and ACED it, I wasn't panicky anymore, I was becoming chill like I WISHED it WOULD have been before and I took my time, I was so focused it was great... I went turned it in, got a 100... then went and started working on some programming (I was working on an iPhone game at the time that I never ended up publishing... but I'm working on one now actually that I DO plan on publishing.. hopefully we'll finally see someone take Angry Bird's place in the top ... haha yeah I wish... but that's a different post anyways)

So I went back to my house after school and sat down upstairs, finally 100% sober, thinking how CRAZY that was how high I just was and now I'm COMPLETELY normal. Just sitting there haha... then I realize my heart has light palpitations so I just try to brush it off... and forget about it and an hour later, AGAIN with them, I don't care about them but they don't leave me alone and BAM again ANOTHER anxiety disorder.... JUST AS I THOUGHT IT WAS OVER I FINALLY thought that I did it!! I was getting so happy that maybe just MAYBE the next time I smoked it would be the experience I was waiting for, no more STUPID anxiety... But no, I had to deal with heart palps for a couple months after that, but as normal it went away.

THEN I decided that I HAD to get "training" again now that I was normal so I called up my homies and went on over but he got caught... and I couldn't smoke and just went online and looked at strains and researched... and then I came across the EXTREME Q... I thought that was the SICKEST thing ever and immediately bought one, free next day air (seriously haha, 150 bucks!! it blew my mind, they still don't have such deals! 4.0 too)

I got it, bought some weed and was ready to vape! But ONCE I packed that bowl and started hitting I started getting nervous again......... and I ended up with another light high with nervous heart palps.... but it was almost like my mind was subconsciously TRAINED to feel anxious and nervous which is a no no I had come to learn when getting high... but I COULDN'T HELP IT!!

But nevertheless I kept doing it hoping I would eventually just stop being nervous.. it got better slowly but it never quite went away..

THEN ONE DAY. The worst thing that ever happened in my life happened... I smoked some OG Kush with my neighbor and I smoked a fair amount (vaped, I had ceased smoking once I read about vapes actually) and it was good but I was still nervous and it wasn't very relaxing, I still had anxiety in the background of everything I did... Had some family over, we all had lobster and they were people I hadn't seen in a long time who are usually very very social and I don't EVER remember looking up from my plate from stuffing my face LOL I was like on a different planet eating that shit, looking back it's hilarious because they definitely HAVE to of tried to talk to me and I totally didn't react if they did because I have no memory of it, just me and the lobster Wasn't a bad day really, I mean I had anxiety the whole time still but I could pretty much deal with it, I thought it would be another STEP towards NO anxiety, getting over my subconscious fear of being high after that first panic attack I ever had, the first time I ever smoked with that trainwreck...

BUT THEN the next day I didn't smoke for the first time in like a month in a row, I realized I still felt high, and the next day I still felt high and out of it, I wasn't even smoking..... months passed and I was almost suicidally freaking out and after research I learned I had gotten ANOTHER anxiety disorder as a result of what I thought was another step towards being FREE from that shit... ALL BECAUSE of ONE experience I had that went wrong, smoking the wrong weed, the wrong amount and in the wrong setting... I found out I apparently gave myself "derealization" which in my opinion was THE WORST fucking thing I could have IMAGINED happening to me besides become psychotic or something which after reading I learned that as much as the government wishes, weed doesn't have any connection to...

But for YEARS of my fucking life, i was stuck praying wishing more than ANYTHING IN THE WOLD that I could just feel normal again and not living unconscious like I'm in a bad dream or something. I went through two years of engineering school like I was GONE like stoned off my ass but with BAD effects, like I was depressed, I had frequent head pressure and head aches.. it was hell and on top of that I was stuck inside doing homework all day everyday... felt like 20 hours a day 7 days a week (electrical engineering folks! Good job, but near impossible schooling)

Then one vacation I sold my Extreme to my neigh but started hanging out with him watching South Park (great show haha) I would eventually still want to be able to enjoy weed like he could every day, so I would take little tokes every once in a while, tokes that wouldn't even DO anything they were so small and I started to be able to smoke and get "kinda high" and I had almost NO anxiety at all just about none at all, only a once in a while thought about it that made me nervous for a second but it went away... and so I went over and we would vape just a little and freestyle rap and watch south park and then one time I smoked a fair amount and got high and started to have that panic feeling but I stopped and just said... no... not now, fuck that shit, I DON'T CARE about this feeling and it just went away and I just laughed (but also decided I wouldn't smoke anymore just because haha I didn't want to push my luck too much) and then I took a week break to make sure I didn't start another anxiety disorder or something... but I didn't!!!!! I DIDN'T for the FIRST TIME EVER. I vaped and I had no consequences...

So I vaped a few more times with little to 0 anxiety at all until I vaped a little more again and got pretty decently high and my neighbor and I played some COD and I started to just feel panicy and shitty again and then I decided to just forget about it... and just stopped. And then my life changed, completely.

I met the girl I know I will continue to spend the rest of my life with shortly after that and I never thought about weed until at least a year later when my neighbor asked me to fix his Arizer Solo...

I just emailed Arizer and they had me send it to them for a replacement (they have great customer service in my past few experiences including the solo replacement and prior to that with my extreme Q) And I went over and dropped it off to him and we hung out for the day since we hadn't seen each other in so long... Then later that night we went to his friend's house who has a med card and he's a registered caregiver... some seriously legit grow setups he's got going on, very nicely grown bud I hear as well... He's a professional.. And I just hung out in a small shed sized room while they smoked bowls after bowls of kush wishing that I could enjoy some myself for the first time in well over a year of ever even thinking about it...

After I left I felt way too chill, I never believed in contact high but I SWEAR I got a NICE contact buzz from that medical in that small ass clam bake they had going on... I HAD to have.. and I'd just been wishing to mimic that feeling but I think that must be that chill feeling that everyone else EXCEPT me has had the fortune to be able to feel... And I wish I could buy a vape and get some nice indica dominant hybrid and see if I could toke a little and maybe now after that last few times (though the last smoke ended up with anxiety) MAYBE I would finally have that high, and get to finally feel what weed is REALLY like.. just chill, no anxiety.



So that's my story... and now here I am today...

My derealization problem is probably there but I've just changed where I haven't cared about it for so long that I just don't REMEMBER what it even FEELS like to feel in a normal mindset anymore so it doesn't feel like I even am (which is the whole point of it being an anxiety disorder and if anyone had to go through that I feel for you SO much because I've never imagined anything so shitty.... it's the worst feeling being trappin feeling like that... god bless)

But I'm doing well, still with that girl And I've been mainly spending my free time programming this iPhone game. As of so far it's name is Arr, Me Booty! it's a simple casual free falling game about a scuba pirate! Should be good success as long as I can get word out!! My girl doesn't smoke, never has, she was always against it but I've told her all I've ever known about how useful weed can be and it just makes me realize that, all these amazing things cannabis indica and sativa can do for us, I feel like I can't use it for...


Like I'm satisfied with my life thanks to what I have but I want to BE ABLE to have weed for those times where it wouldn't hurt to toke up, you know? ... Like I don't even care about getting high even just to chill, I mean like for anything really, it's so useful! Headaches, pains, sickness, insomnia, anything!! It's the world's most powerful and useful medicine and I feel like I can't use it


I just want to be able to use the one thing we people we so clearly meant to be able to use in times of need... I know this was a long post (REALLY long haha, god I wish writing essays in school was so easy) but THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading... I just wish everyone could hear this here... I want to know what you all think, am I a fool? Have I wasted my life away or do you think I have hope one day?

Anyone with anything to say, any advice or anything, I appreciate your time

Thank you for reading

 

Lol BlazingZombies, you're an asshole man, but I have a dark sarcastic humor so it's all good haha...

MariaJuana92: You had depersonalization disorder BEFORE weed and it HELPED?? That confuses me because I always hear depersonalization and derealization did not work too well with marijuana... And you still smoke today and you don't have those problems anymore?

 

Hahahaha, take it easy there, I'm fine. It's been over a year since I last smoked and I currently feel completely fine and my life is going great, I just wanted to share this just because. I didn't care if people found it humorous, or they wanted to post their advice or spread love / jokes, I don't care. Maybe it would even help someone else in a similar situation. But it's just a story and it's just a post, now a days I'm doing fine lol

 

It's all very past tense, but I just felt I should share this with everyone.... But honestly looking back, it wasn't really weed that was giving me anxiety, it was ME making myself freak out and then SINCE I was smoking in a setting where I was already freaking out, it just enhanced it... So I really believe that if I ever chose to smoke again and I had some calm indica, HIGH CBD, low THC, in a chill setting where I wasn't thinking or doing anything stressful, just relaxing, I don't think I would have so many problems... The last few times I smoked (well over a year ago) I was still kind of nervous about it and I didn't have too much anxiety... maybe even some small nibbles off a brownie going about my day not focusing on it, just doing whatever, having fun with friends I don't think I'd have a problem. I would just have to take it slow... no telling if I ever will but I looking back I really think 80-90 percent of it was in my mind...

 

TrueNirvana, thank you for sharing, you are among the very few positives on this thread haha...

Alex1127: Thank you as well!! I didn't even actually see your post and it was the first, I was about to just forget about this thread due to getting very little knowledgable advice... which is really what I was hoping I would start up (though again I welcome anything anyone wants to say, even if it's sarcastic bullshit, I don't care... I have a pretty open sense of humor) But ironically at the earliest stages of this thread, I DID get something like I was looking for, which was your comment, so I just wanna say thanks mann, and I will look into that

 

Thanks man, I appreciate that! And I hope you do as well