I don't talk about this a lot but since I don't even know who I'm talking to as I type this, why not. I've been trying to figure out whats wrong with myself ever since the youngen days, I think I have some social disorder. The earliest symptoms I remember were in pre school. I actually remember pre school and I used to sit alone pissed off that my mom left me there while all the kids played and some kids would stop by and ask why I wasn't playing and I don't think I even acknowledged most of them. I wasn't in complete isolation and occasionally I would have days where I felt like joining in with the others. It's been like this my whole life. I get these streaks of isolation and then I eventually go out and enjoy the night. When Im alone I smoke and think deeply, and I also watch documentaries and educate myself on social issues. There are few people I connect with easily and open up to, I'm mostly independent. I feel I can't connect with a lot of people the way others do. Meeting people was always a weakness, I think when I was young I di.dn't develop my social structure enough and it fucked me up now. I usually meet others through introduction from someone else. I don't stand out or anything, and I care about my appearance keeping myself in check so I'm not one of those kids you're probably thinking of. From the people I do talk about this with, some say it could be depression, social anxiety etc. But I don't have fear of public places or social interactions with large groups. No panic attacks, but in regard to depression, I do remember having sleepless nights where I would sit awake and think of all the negative shit in my life until I fell asleep. Happened every night for a while as I was in middle school but after I started smoking that phase eventually faded. Can anyone relate to this? What do you think I have? Fuck it, needed to get this out.