I just got really depressed all of a sudden. Like really, and for good reason. I don't have shit in my life. I'm 33 and I never went to college. Dropped out of HS and got my GED/Diploma. I am not a stupid person. Made mistakes, yeah, but definitely intelligent. This is what I am told. I like to be humble about it. Anyways, so as some of you know I run the Mars Rover thread here and I put a lot of work into it. So I was just checking out the latest rover news: [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QApb9l2JAbQ]Curiosity Roves Again - YouTube[/ame] Watch it. The guy who is hosting this session is Torsten Zorn. I went to school with him. Same grade. We were even acquaintances. We chilled a few times. He went one way, I went another. He works with NASA/JPL and I download raw images from the NASA site and work on them as an amateur. I can't get into my mistakes and why I am where I am with nothing, but let me just say most of it is not my fault. But no pity party. But, damn. That just hit me like an 18 wheeler and I am so disappointed in myself and pissed and upset. I just got uppercutted with reality and it fucking hurts. "So do something about it." - There's a lot of damage. Too much to fix.
Use it as motivation. You've easily got another 33 years of opportunity ahead of you. The perks are you don't have to trudge through adolescence, and you've already got a shit ton of knowledge to start from. You're in the best spot of your life so far to make changes.
I feel ya man, I see my friends racing ahead if me in life and I feel like I am going nowhere. It is a shitty feeling but I partially have myself only to blame. /hug
I know that's how some people can operate, but it doesn't work like that with me. And my hands are tied in many ways. There is no motivation. There can't be. Why would there be? (Not asking you personally - just asking in a general sense)
There can be motivation, but you have to choose to find it. If you choose not to, that's your answer to the thread title.
Well, I have a criminal record for pot offenses and a theft charge (I didn't actually do it - my late co-defendant did - we both got charged). The theft charge was from 1998, but it's still there. Expungement is out of the question. Trust me. The process. The money. The layers. The amount of charges to get taken off. Impractical. Then there's the fact I never went to school and can't even hold a job. Damn it. I can't believe shit turned out like this. And I hate to say it, and it's going to piss people off, but I really don't think there is anything anyone can say that could make me feel better. The only thing that would work is a whole new identity. Literally. I know I made this thread, but I just needed to get that out. I found him on facebook and sent him a little message saying congrats and that I mess with raw images. Would be cool to open a dialogue. But back to the real world. Shit sucks. I need to do SOMETHING. I'm even thinking disability because I just can't handle LIFE. And I mean that literally and it sucks to have to say that. Deep, huh?
Oh, I'm sure there are A LOT of awesome places. But no. I'm stuck here. No job. No money. Nothing. I hope I don't get lost in the shuffle. I think I already did.
Damn man, I'm really sorry. I have no idea what it's like so it's not my place to give you advice on the matter but i'll try anyways. Like CKTony said, you still have at least 33 years ahead of you. I know shit seems bad and you feel like you've fucked up far beyond repair but you haven't. All that shit is in your past. I know you say those charges from 98' still haunt you, but you're better than that. Work around it. Figure shit out man. You can't just dwell and feel sorry for yourself, i'm not saying you are. What are you passionate about? Embrace that. Get a good schedule. Start working out and eating healthy. Get a job, and if you have one look for a better one or try and get promoted to something better. Shitty things happen to everyone, everyone. But, life's all about your attitude and the way you look at things. I reccomend reading "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. You need to let go of the past and move forward. Nothing will change the past. But you can change yourself and the way you look at things to have any fucking future you want. Got love, man
Are there any local restaurants? They're usually lenient on convictions and work history. Have you been applying for jobs? The holiday season is the best time to get one, although it is late. All it takes is a job to turn things around. Alternatively, can you get a loan from anyone? Friends, relatives, or even a co-signer on a financial loan? You could do couch-surfing, I've always wanted to try it but don't have very many interesting stories. Plus it's kind of frightening http://couchsurfing.org
Please - don't be. You didn't do the shit that happened to me and you didn't do the shit *I* did to me. It's beyond feeling sorry for myself. It's more like accepting death (I seriously mean this in a figurative way - I will NOT go for suicide. This has already been established) and just waiting for it to take me. Perhaps that was indeed a bad analogy. But it's just pointless, too much work, I mean, I don't even know where to start. I have bad depression and anxiety and meds make it all worse. Fuck. Music. But the motivation/creative juices are far gone. Looking at my guitar is no different than me looking at a rock. Eating healthy - our money situation is bad. Can't afford to eat healthy. Get a job? True. But I can't find one. Then there are SO MANY HOOPS to jump through - criminal record, broken job history, ADD makes learning new things hard. I am social phobic - the whole nine. Everything is fucked. Good ideas, though. Ahh. Eckhart Tolle. Someone I have heard so much about and someone who I have the same belief systems as. But I never put in the effort to check out his works. You may have done something there. I'm tired and I need to go to sleep, but I will check back later. Thanks, dude.
I can relate to you more than you might think. I also deal with severe anxiety and depression, and when people are like just do this and that and that and that and be happy. It's like fuck you, you don't know what this feels like. On top of the stress of everything in your life it makes it hard to deal with anything. But what kind of life is a life where you're just living to die? That's where you gotta look at this whole thing different man. You need to slowly transition back into you. Start playin guitar again, even if it's just for a few minutes. I also play and when I go through my depressed phases I don't even wanna touch the thing. But, when I do, it helps. It's all about getting out of this hole you're in man. Once you're out, smooth sailing. Look for jobs that don't require a lot of social interaction. I deliver pizzas and it's not too bad. Yeah, you have to go to strangers doors but you're only there 2 minutes tops. Make good money in tips. A good starting point for sure. Definitely check out the book though man. It will change your insight on life completely. Try and start meditating to ease your mind, try to slowly stop taking your meds (if your doctor approves). I got hope for you man. In a year you could look back and think, "damn, i don't know how i got out of that shit hole, but i did." Just one step at a time. Life is too good to be miserable. It's too good man. But when shitty things happen people focus on that and don't see the beauty. I hope I helped somewhat and gave you some assurance things can be okay if you make them okay. Later man
Chiefbuddha - thank you. Good info. Thank you GirlyS for the PM. Thank you everyone else for being there for me. I just had a talk with my friend and he told me something. The dude at JPL who works at JPL (or anyone who works for NASA/JPL) is probably already coming from a good family with college funds all set up, nice house, - was probably shielded by his parents from the outside world, so he had more of a chance. Better circumstances. Or I could be wrong, but usually that's how it works with people in really high-up jobs and with good careers. My friend said it's not my fault. I was never privileged. I had bad shit happen to me at young ages (BOTH kinds of abuse). Deaths in the family before I was 13 (my Father and Grandfather - both father and son - both dead within 2 months of eachother). I tell you all this to give perspective. Yeah. I got dealt a REALLY SHITTY HAND. And I have felt sorry for myself. It's almost a knee-jerk to do that. And maybe that's what's doing it. But how can I not feel sorry for myself when all that has ever happened to me was negative? And then I grow up and self medicate with weed (which works wonders), and I get arrested and locked up and a criminal record. Bad stuff aside, it is a fact that I didn't have those chances, so it's apple and oranges, but it still hurts that I can't even FUNCTION like a normal person. I can type on these forums and make awesome Mars threads but I fucking suck at life. I don't know how to live. See how fucking deep and serious this is? And this makes it worse - I am ONE of 7,000,000,000 (billion) people on this planet. People have it WAY WORSE than me. I grasp that fact, but it makes me feel worse because I'm just one of the many. Evolution - survival of the fittest. If I were in the wild, I would have been destroyed a long time ago. What a fucking MESS! Wow, I realize this post started off positive but went right back to my reality. This is my music project - me playing and singing everything and recording. I show this to you not for recognition or for someone to say, "Sounds good!". No. The lyrics. Listen to them please. They show EXACTLY what is going on in my head and how I try to start off being positive, but I veer towards the negative - like this song. My lyrics start off hopeful and wise, but by the end of the song it's like the OP. Dismal and negative. [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JKVwBifxdUY[/ame] This song IS me. In every way. Please, once again, don't praise the music or tell me it sucks - it's irrelevant. It's about the lyrics and mood which explains me perfect. Took a lot out of me to write this one, and it was the last song I worked on and I don't see me making anything new anytime soon. I even took the links to my music out of my signature in case anyone has noticed. "I might go back on my word..." means "I might just go back on my word and end it all", but like I said before, I will not kill myself because of the little family I have left. No suicide. Don't worry. So I'm stuck here.