I don't really write much, i just did this because i was bored but it was fun...constructive criticism is welcomed! [FONT="]A drug smugglin' pusher man walked up and offered me a fix[/FONT] [FONT="]I said, “I don't partake, it'd be best if you took a walk unless you're hopin' for a few licks[/FONT] [FONT="]He looked around and stood his ground, and eventually he said, “everyone's got their ticks, what makes you so opposed to getting your kicks?â€[/FONT] [FONT="]Having seen this mentality in the past, I took the stance that I was just lookin for somethin' that will last.[/FONT] [FONT="] [/FONT] [FONT="]A drug smugglin' dope dealer walked up to me and said[/FONT] [FONT="]“I've got some shit, to help you with that shit that dwells in your head.â€[/FONT] [FONT="]I said, “well that'd be cool, but don't be cruel man, that shit'll come back and[/FONT] [FONT="]I'm just doin' the best that I can.â€[/FONT] [FONT="] [/FONT] [FONT="]Well versed at the art of saying “noâ€, but wondering just how to grow[/FONT] [FONT="]I decided to not say no.[/FONT] [FONT="]A few days went by slow, with no growth to show[/FONT] [FONT="]Until the forces of the universe decided that it was time to go[/FONT] [FONT="] [/FONT] [FONT="]Now a drug smugglin' reefer raiser walked up to me and began his flow[/FONT] [FONT="]I cut him off and said, “I'm done sayin' no, now teach me how to grow,[/FONT] [FONT="]For then I can make it last.â€[/FONT] [FONT="] [/FONT] [FONT="]Off we went and three months were spent[/FONT] [FONT="]Until our tent contained enough reefer to pay the rent[/FONT] [FONT="]And now I'm a drug smugglin' reefer raisin', [/FONT] [FONT="]Dope dealin', pusher man.[/FONT] [FONT="]And I'm just doin the best that I can.[/FONT]
Did you ever c the tv show "oz?" It's a prison show. In it there's a dude called poet. He stand up on stage in the cafeteria while everyone ate and spoke his poetry. Ur poem reminds me of his. He got out of jail early because he'd become this great poet. He wrote a book, and during a book signing, a dude went for him. He pulled his piece and killed the dude. So he went back to prison. Maybe you should try it? Lol. Just kidding. Your shit is ok, but would prolly make a strong impact if you speak it, with attitude, to a group.
I'm in no way a professional writer and I love anything that anyone creates, but since you want constructive feedback, one thing I love is writing that pops images in my head. You do it occasionally in this piece, but not enough to really sweep me away. "Well versed at the art of saying “no”, but wondering just how to grow I decided to not say no." This feels kind of forced. I didn't really find myself getting lost, but more focusing on keeping up with it. It's a moment of self conflict, and I think it could use a bit more passion. I'm sorry to say it like that, as I said i'm not a writer, and I don't mean to come across as a jerk or a troll in saying this. I want to feel that doubt that they're struggling with, to simply say "no" to it makes it seem personal, where as the next phrase talks of so much pressure being behind the decision, and that it was made almost without his consent, I think it would be nice to see some more powerful words being used like in this next part: "A few days went by slow, with no growth to show Until the forces of the universe decided that it was time to go" That's beautiful, it's got double meanings, it speaks of a moment when the sheer force of everything in existence entered you and altered your mind. I can feel it, that's the best way to explain it. Overall, I enjoyed it. It's a good journey of self discovery and I think with a bit of practice, a bit more time learning how to play with words and you'll be really good at poetry.