Very very confused

Discussion in 'Sex, Love & Relationships' started by lauraisfrknawsm, May 26, 2010.

  1. So I left my Myspace up and I guess some message from a random dude fucked a lot of shit up between me and my boyfriend.

    He said "Not saying you ever did something, but every one of my relationships something clicks in my head that pushes me away, and I'm going to guess it's looking at your myspace but idk what it is, it's not a conscience thing it just happens. Then after that clicks, I just can't go back to normal"

    And I've noticed the difference in our relationship apparently a whole hell of a lot more than he has, and it's really upset me. And it seems like no matter HOW much I try to talk to him, it just doesn't matter.

    I really don't think I'm understanding something here. I feel like I did something to fuck up so much of everything good, but I know I haven't done anything wrong!

    Does anyone have any advice from the male perspective, I know I over think things a lot, and this may be a really simple solution that I'm totally missing.
  2. He's being honest. I'm not sure I've ever had an epiphany or reached a conclusion about a girlfriend from her myspace page, but I know the 'click' he's talking about. I just broke up with my girlfriend, and I think the 'click' happened about three weeks ago.

    It really sucks, but some guys (myself one) don't have the stablest of emotional bases; little things/nothing can change everything.
  3. Obviously he's upset over what he saw. Judging from your post, you already know what is bothering him. If you don't, tell him to tell you. Also tell him talking is a good stress reliever. You could overcome many obstacles with mere words.
  4. #4 jamesh, May 26, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2010
    What was the message the random guy sent you? Or was that it in quotations?

    I'm assuming the quotes were what your bf said that's why I asked.

    It'd help to understand why he's mad from a "male point of view".

    Real talk.
  5. #5 Tha Professor, May 26, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2010
    Some males just aren't that verbal when it comes to expressing their emotions.

    The real question is, do you still feel loved by him?

    To your most inner-core, to you feel like your loved?
  6. #6 lauraisfrknawsm, May 26, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2010
    I know he's being honest and it took me a long ass time to get that out of him, but I just do not understand. I did nothing wrong, and he told me it seemed like messages were missing, but they are all there! I'm so confused. I've worked so hard on this relationship and it feels like it's all slipping away through my fingers and I can't do anything about it.

    I've tried to get him to tell me more, but that is all I got out of it, and I tried talking and everything I said just sounded completely stupid, not to mention I was crying my eyes out and probably sounded even more stupid. We started the conversation on AIM, and I finally got him to answer his phone so I could actually TALK with him and I fucked that up by crying so much and forgetting all the important things I planned on talking about. I just feel like an idiot and I don't think I'm getting his point. Every time I tried and would explain what I could understand he just said something else that made it seem like it was all wrong. I'm so confused.

    The quotes were what he told me, and the random guy was the typical douche
    him: heyyy your cute wanna hang out
    me: No.
    him: you gotta boyfriend?
    me: Yes.
    him: you should dump him for me
    and so on so forth.

    I know he isn't verbal, but I just don't know how one stupid thing that wasn't even what he said it was change everything
    And yes I feel very loved by him, and I love our relationship, I think it's a great one, which is why I just don't understand how something like this can happen. He says he trusts me, and he says he loves me and all the same stuff, but how he has been acting has been totally weird.
  7. It sounds as if he already has a specific situation inprinted into his brain. Him implying there were messages missing indicates he thinks your trying to hide something. Add the fact that a random person sent the text that sparked his curiousity and you have yourself a 'fling'. Whether you are or you aren't hiding something does not matter. HE thinks you are, so nothing you say will change that. YOU have to wait for him to come to his senses if you truly did do nothing wrong.

  8. I didn't get a text?

    But he did say "idk" when I asked him if he promised that he thought I didn't hide anything from him

    The message is still there, everything is there, there is no missing parts. And he said he trusts me, so why would he still think I did something then tell me he trusts me when I say I didn't after everything was over for today.

    He's usually one to tell me the blunt truth, so I believe him when he says he trusts me, idk why he would say that if he actually didn't
  9. #9 jamesh, May 26, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2010
    Sounds like he may have jealously/trust issues from past relationships/experiences.

    No offense intended. He does seem like a cool guy. These traits are just in us for some reason.

    He says he trusts you, but he gets mad when some random stranger messages you. He also thinks that you deleted some of the messages. Doesn't sound like full trust IMO.

    I think you should talk to him about it though. What he's feeling and what we're feeling are completely different
    ...he may not completely talk about it now, but I bet he will eventually and you'll have all your answers.

    I hope you guys get over this silly nonsense though. :)

    I definitely agree with this man. Also, just adding that if you do pursue as mentioned it should be lightly. IMO of course
  10. #10 Tha Professor, May 26, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2010
    In my honest opinion, it seems like you both need some well deserved time apart.

    I'm not insinuating anything permanent or long for that matter, but it sounds like he needs time to figure out what he really want's in life; and who he is as a person. It's hard to really analyze yourself as a individual once your in a committed relationship, as that person literally becomes part of your persona as a whole. I understand how this may sound like giving up, but there's a vast world of difference between "giving up" and ""doing the right thing."

    Really, you're at an ultimatum. You can either pursue with the method you're following now, or give him some space where he can come up with realizations of his own.

    In my perspective, if you give him some space then at the very least there's still chance that you'll both end up together. If you keep pursuing him, then you will lose him.

    Both choices are never easy, but no one ever said the right choice is always going to be the easiest. Time apart will hurt, but trust me when I say it'll hurt less then what you're experiencing now. It's not difficult to see that this is clearly killing you Kyle.

    (Plus we have about four women in the city as it is, we can't really afford you dying on us)

    This is all just my own opinion on the matter, and regardless of what choice you inevitably decide; I wish you only the best, and never forget that you have an entire community rooting for you!

  11. I highly doubt he will talk about it ever again. I have to piss him off by asking so much just to get the tiniest detail out of him. But I feel like shit would be worse if I didn't try to figure out what's wrong. He does have bad past relationship problems, but my point was that I was the same way and HE told me to trust him because he's not them. I just thought that he would give me the same thing back if I dropped all my issues and fully trusted him. I even brought that to his attention and everything got confusing
  12. The text was referring to the message you received. You know him best. You should be able to get a hint as to whether or not he's telling you the truth about believing you. Only you can make that desicion.

    I know one thing though. When I'm confused about a certain situation and it really hits home for me, I have a hard time explaining myself to others. As in, I don't let people find out my true feelings about a certain subject. Kind of like pushing people away.

  13. Lol you made me laugh when I'm sad, kudos to you :)
    I've thought about giving him his space, I just don't agree with breaks... if he wants one he can ask but I'm not going to do it. But I can defiantly give him space. I just really do not understand why these things happen when I do everything in my power to make this relationship easy and great. I guess it makes things like this hurt more. I told myself I wouldn't get this involved in some one again but I guess it's enviable especially when I can't see the future. He's going to Dallas for like 4 days and I planned on leaving him alone so he can have his fun. Maybe things will be better after that. I can hope at least.
  14. So to clarify:

    • Someone hit on your via MySpace
    • You rejected him.
    • Your boyfriend read this and freaked out

    If the above statements are true, you have done nothing wrong and he has major, MAJOR issues with trust in relationships.

    Like some other GCers have said, something in his past has really fucked with his perception of social normalcy.

    His behavior is far from normal. If MySpace were a bar, he'd be the guy knocking out one of your male friends for greeting you.

    He doesn't trust you. He says he does because of the ramifications if he says he doesn't trust you. Trust is 50% of a relationship. If you don't have that, then what do you have?

    He's hurting you and doesn't really seem to care that he's doing so.

    Communicate your feelings to him. It's cool if he's not the most verbal guy, but if he cares for you and your feelings, he'll give you the courtesy of not completely fucking with your head. Mind games aren't cool.

    If he continues to act like a raging dickhead because you're willing to put up with it, then that's on your dime.

  15. I don't really know him best. He is very independent, I never know his feelings, the only one I know his happy bc it's obvious, other times he could just not be feeling well and I think he's mad. He doesn't let me in, and every time I feel like I'm getting close to him, something stupid messes everything up. And if I ask him for the truth, I ask him to promise to make sure he's actually telling the truth, and he told me he promised. I trust him to believe what he says, he wouldn't tell me he did if he didn't mean it.

  16. He didn't freak out, at first I thought he was having fun with it bc he said "Lol how many guys hit on you on myspace" I said not many, I get some occasional guys every now and then then I asked why and thats when he told me I left my Myspace up at his house. He doesn't care who I talk to, so that's why this is a new and confusing situation for me, he thought I deleted some messages because he said that there were "blank spaces" and there's not, and I told him that, and he dismisses the subject when I try to bring it up. I'm not one to leave issues to be bottled up and expressed later when everything blows up in my face.
  17. #17 See Emily Play, May 26, 2010
    Last edited by a moderator: May 26, 2010
    I can't give you a male's perspective, but I can relate to how he's feeling, with the something just clicking and you push someone away.

    I think it's less to do with you, and more to do with him and his issues. I'm guessing if it didn't happen now, it'd happen sometime further down the line.

    I'm not sure how to describe it properly, but he could feel like "Yeah, she's got other guy's going after her, I'm probably gonna lose her one way or another, so what's the point of trying?"

    Like how they say the power in a relationship lies with whoever cares less, I think he feels threatened and is pulling away either to try keep some of the power, or subconsciously give up on the relationship so that if it ends, he won't feel like he invested too much of himself in it and won't get as badly hurt.

    I do think it's worth staying with him, and trying to make things get back to normal, but his attitude continues beyond a certain point, I think it's time to let go

    Good luck

  18. I guess... but I went back and re-read the messages and there is literally nothing even suspicious. It makes this whole thing even harder to accept.
    I can even post them on here, it's ridiculous. I think he didn't even read them.
  19. You posted this before I posted my edit, I think maybe some of the things I wrote in there might help you understand how he feels.

    By the way, do you know if any of his girlfriends cheated on him in the past? Even if your messages weren't anything suspicious, he might have gone through the same with another girl and un-suspicious messages which gradually turned into her cheating on him?

  20. Yeah I can see how he might feel like that, I even told him that it seems like he pushes me out of his life when things are going well because I think he's afraid to have me get close to him in case I hurt him, and he said maybe and that he doesn't even understand himself.

    But yes his ex's did cheat on him. One ended very badly, and it was a 3 year relationship and that bitch totally did some very fucked up shit, but regardless, I have my fucked up past, including a douche who I had a baby with, if anything I think I have more emotional attachment to that because I had a kid with him and I still let go of it all. Idk any details of how it happened or anything, I just know what I figured out myself, he doesn't even talk about it. Now that I think about it, he made it a point to say that the message was from some dude in my city. Idk if that provided more of an issue, but it seems that way.

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