Very Long Read, TLDR too. -My Complete 180 in Life in One Year-

TLDR
For those that don't want to read my little novel =P heres a quick TLDR of the jist of things

1. Always had anxiety issues and health issues with my stomach and back since I was a child, especially when it came to big crowds
2. Highschool comes and goes and known as the quiet loner kid up until I smoke pot at the middle of Junior year
3. Pot greatly helps me social life, I'm learning so many new things and a lot of people are liking the idea of me smoking now, I finally feel like I fit in
4. Senior years rolls in and I'm really pumped to do my best this year and make it non-forgettable, which it was for the wrong reasons
5. From the ending of September 09- the middle of Dec 09, I contracted 2 flus, 1 stomach virus, kidney stones, pylinoidal cyst on the base of my tail bone, and maybe made it to school 5-6 times during this period to get make up work.
6. Time comes for me to start getting me make up work finished so I can pass, but being bedridden and absent I had no clue what was in the material needed, and being so far into the year already the teachers wouldnt go back to help me out
7. Stress with school and with friends(out of school practically all year and sick meant I was barely hanging out with anyone at all and all people heard of me that year were rumors on why I was gone) the stress started to develop into crippling anxiety like when I was a kid
8. As my physical health got better my mental health was spiraling downhill, I was getting panic attacks inside the school every time I would go there, I couldn't handle it anymore and I stayed home and had mental health days being deeply depressed on life and everything throughout Jan which I know now wasn't good because it made me even more upset with life
9. I'm at my worst peak now near the middle of January, constantly thinking of suicide almost obsessively, the afterlife, whats beyond, all the questions I wanted answered, and I was damn close too and was a little scared of what would happen
10. Trip on mushrooms, have positive amazing life changing trip that helps me cope with death and the way the world and life works, helped my panic attacks and depression immensely that I was a totally new person the next day for the better with a much greater appreciation for life and everything positive living in it that deserve to be happy
11. From February till late Summer I kept reflecting about that trip and how it bettered myself and what I could do to better my life to make me happier, and that was to first get rid of all the negative people in my life and to drop out of Highschool and get away from all those kids and the admins.
12. I get my GED with a 92% and obtain a legit Highschool Diploma and also have plans to move away from here to Colorado.

Thanks to that positive mushroom trip teaching me many life lessons such as mind over matter and putting your mind to anything will get it accomplished, learning to cope with death and the way life is, I myself have become a better person that everyone around me has obviously seen. I went from near suicidal to the point where 1 inch separated me from typing this now and whatever infinite beyond is out there. I know that with these lessons I learned, and by sharing them with others when they are down or even in the same position as I was once in, I can and have helped them get out of that rut and made them completely happier than they once before. I learned to take better care of my physical and mental health and now I feel I should spread what I learned to those that are still in the dark for they can have a better, happier life like I am currently experiencing



How's it going Grasscity? I'm mainly a large lurker around this community but I still love it and visit it every chance I am at a computer source! Haha, but anyway onto the topic, forewarning this is a little touchy and some things said people might not feel comfortable with, but we're all 18+ here right? So it shouldn't be that big a deal to talk about fully, anyway I wish to finally write out in full my story. Be warned, this is going to be detailed, and VERY long, hopefully will be a good read and would LOVE feedbacks on this true life story of me, thanks!

This story is about how my life went many degrees around the circle of life from extreme downs to extreme ups starting over one year ago, the last week of September 2009 was when it all went down hill, or so I thought. During the last week of September last year, I was just becoming a Senior at my highschool, I gained a nice tolerance to weed so that I was no longer a out of control laughing maniac, but a smoker who knew his shit about a lot of what was going on and able to out debate the ignorance mass of my small highschool, which is roughly 450 kids, 7-12 grade for our 2 neighboring towns. I used to be the fat chubby man boobed kid, yes legit man boobs that would put a flat chest female to shame, that was quiet and had anxiety and social issues thanks to a lot of the bullying in my 7-9th grade years.

By now in senior year, I have started smoking the wonderful herb, expanded my social circle and felt like I couldn't be any more happier than I ever could have been. I had lots of friends calling me up everyday to hangout, I even had to make schedules to figure out when people and I could hangout. Being a senior in my school I gained that senior mojo and became a lot more social than before with participating in lots of the schools functions and the like, having fun my senior year, fucking around with my friends and knowing we would be out in a short few months after this easy streak.

All of those dreams and happiness dropped like a bomb by the beginning of the first week of September, I forget how I got it, but I contracted a pretty bad stomach virus flu that thank god my medicine was there to help me cope with I was out of school for a good 4 days because of my fever and just my philosophy of having the body heal itself no matter how long it takes (it's better to stay home for 4 days to feel completely better than only stay home 2 days and struggle the next 2, extending how shitty you'll feel) as my virus subsided after the horrible week, I was infected with Costochondritis, a VERY painful inflammation inbetween the ribs and sternum bone in your chest. It was bad enough to think I was having a legit heart attack at the time, but thankfully it was the Costco Infection which had me immobile for 6 days. Any movement at all with my torse, arms, bending, stretching, going on the side, any pressure, anything at all, would make it feel like my chest was about to crack open from an elephant standing on it too long and about to make it break.


So far now I've been out the last week of Sept and the majority of the first week of October with these 2 conflicting illnesses. Lucky me, as my costco virus calms down and it's easier to move about, I get hit with a regular flu having me bed ridden with a fever and and works for 5-6 days. I hated how this kept happening with one thing after another and keeping me out of the best school year I would've been having so far. The last day of the flu arrives, I'm feeling much better and so psyched to head to school for the first time in weeks. October 16th, I get out of bed ready for my first day at school on a friday, meaning easy going all day I hop into the shower and not even 2 minutes in I feel what feels like a knife go through my stomach side. It's so painful my mom even recalls hearing that yelp of pain all the way on the other side of the house down one floor.

Great, I'm finally over ALL my sicknesses and being out of school, I'm psyched and ready to go but low and behold, this sharp kinfe pain right above where my appendix is supposed to be is keeping me doubled over and in tears, and I'm a 6'3'' 280 Lb guy at this time, I'm used to a good handle amount of pain. I head to the emergency room thinking the worst and it being my appendix and needing surgery right that day out of no where, and after a few tests were finished it was ruled out everything that was lethal and I was made to wait at the hospital for a good 4 hours while the doctors try and figure out whats causing this extreme pain that now went from my appendix area to the back above my kidney.

Results come back and it's shown I have kidney stones(I truly believe it was from my obesity at the time and still not having control over my diet last year so I was consuming a lot of High Fructose Corn Syrup and Soda etc, more than twice weekly easily) and the pain from these things were very hard to bare, practically like a screw driver pinning into your kidney 24/7 slowly turning to keep the pain up dull but sharp and in your face.

I get home and for the first 2 weeks of drinking more liquid I can imagine and looking up home remedies to get these kidney stones out quicker, safer, and less painfully and finally find a website that had a little guide on how to dissolve the kidney stones and allow them to just come out with pee, only more of a gooey substance.

I had to drink 18 cans of cold CocaCola within 4 hours and quickly soon after drank a pureed asparagus puree drink with a cup and a half full worth. I do the experiment twice in 2 days because the kidney stone pain hasn't gone done a bit. And long story short of the wait, I never really felt my kidney stones pass at all even though the pain beforehand and during everything was almost unbearable, like a nice sized rock just coursing through your body, and I'm guessing that home remedy worked considering I felt no pain and it obviously passed because the pain disappeared after 2 weeks.

NOW for the fun part!

As my kidney stone was in the middle of passing, those 2 weeks I was going in and out of school for the first time since the whole incident happened, meaning I missed well over 3/4 of the first semester already. I had no clue what was going on in my classes, the kids were ratting on me more than just jokingly because I was absent for so long, they didn't even know what was going on. Anyway, I started getting lots of stress from the teachers and everyone alike to get my missing work done, yet no teachers would help me because they were all "too far ahead of the lesson" to give me extra help on the early stuff, this frustrated me even more considering I was practically bed ridden not on the PC checking on my HW while my kidney felt like there was an elephant casually standing on it at all times and my piss feeling like fire every attempt.

Sorry about that Haha anyway, as the kidney stone episode was finally ending it was the middle of November, and my back tail bone was REALLY starting to irritate me whenever I sat or basically anything with it. I pointed to a friend about the pain on my tail bone and he mentioned there was a huge pimple/cyst thing just sittin inside my body! A cyst ON my tail bone right after all this garbage happening and I'm finally back in school. Well the cyst grows and grows to the point where I can't physically sit in any seats, I had to lay stomach down so I wouldn't irritate the cyst that happened to be in the most perfect spot for a person wanting to sit or do anything with his ass.

I saw my doc about the cyst and he prescribed me cream to get it to go down and disappear, I also learned the cyst was hereditary and was growing ever since I was a wee child. what a shocker! That means it can come back anytime in the future And so the cyst shrinks, my kidney stones are gone, my sicknesses are much better, and my current cold is over with!

December 09, I'm ready to get back into school and catch up on everything, yet with 7 different teachers already halfway through the SECOND semester with me still needing help from the beginning of the first semester, they were ignoring my requests and telling me to figure it out all on my own. Great advice for a school that can barely afford books for everyone anyway!

Now it's mid December and winter break is coming up next week, let me bring you up on the mental health for myself since I started getting sick in September till now. With being sick and bedridden majority of the time I was sick for those 3 months, all my buddies from the year past and during the summer were rarely seen and I was becoming lonely again. I was spending almost all my time browsing the internet and listening to music, with the occasional smoking whenever my pain and illnesses required such a thing, I refuse to take practically all pharmaceutical pills, and as I was being sick and at home and going to hospital to health center after health center for different tests, my own mom was getting irritated for not knowing what was happening, and since I was the only one home during the weekdays now because I was sick, she would be a broken record player and would cause the most tension in the house, me and her.

I was starting to become depressed for missing out on my senior year that I was looking forward to so much, and it was only getting worse the days I WOULD be back and either my teachers would not even care I missed out on all of those non avoiding ailments I contracted and my "friends" from the summer and early september have already moved on and established their years inside jokes and what not. This made me feel out of group and not wanted in the school anymore, I wasn't getting help trying to learn what I missed and my peers saw me as nothing but a ghost.

I was given an ultimatum by the absentee officer lady that I had to finish all these projects during my winter break and have it all handed it the day I'm back. I tried explaining to her I wasn't getting the help I needed from my teachers, even after and before school, but she just shrugged and said that I hope you get it done.

Winter breaks comes and goes, I'm more depressed than ever, extremely stressed about the school work I had no clue what to do with, anxious and worried about the outcome of not having the right answers to my works because I didn't get the help I needed thanks to selfish teachers, etc etc the list went on and on and I was going into a circle.

New Years Eve came and I spent it with a good best friend R, just me and her and she was the only person I was only seeing outside of school during these whole ordeals, but it felt different, I was way to depressed to care, I wasn't myself, I was starting to get pretty unstable and scary thoughts on dying and the after life almost everyday. After New Years and time for me to get back to school, I just couldn't. I would be staying in bed for hours on end, sometimes verbally shouting to my parents there's no way I can go into that building again. Everything suddenly went from worried thoughts to these full blown attacks that I had no idea where they came from or why I would burst out like that.

In the middle of January I decided to go back to school for a week or two to see how things are, too bad that half way through each day I ended up getting pretty severe panic attacks, my first real ones that I remember, and it was the scariest moment of my life, especially being front of in a U desk arranged classroom being right in the front with everyone watching you trying explain knowledge on novels I was never able to read due to barely being home or anything cause of my medical stuff 2-3 months back.

The panic attacks I tried to overcome at first thinking they are all in my head and it'll be fine, but I was so so wrong...the worst I recall is having 6 panic attacks during one day, and that was the last day I officially went to that school again that year. I went home, talked to my parents about all the panic attacks and majority of what was really happening(that below on why I was getting like this) and I was able to sign out of school a month later after thinking it all through.

My reason being on why I was getting all those Panicky, Stressed Out, Anxiety attacks were stemmed from my getting the unavoidable ailments in the beginning of the year, keeping me home and away from the schools lessons that hindered me in the upcoming months when I REALLY needed to know what was taught. Also having the friendships of that year already be established, I felt like an outcast, not knowing anything going on even with old good friends of mine. I was all alone, just me and my thoughts, and they were all negative.

There came a time in January that things got so bad I was only a slight movement away from ending all that I lived for. I thought of all the beautiful releases and freedom death would truly bring me, it would free me of this torturous planet of greed and hatred and finally allow me peaceful salvation. I had an Indian sword antique that could still be lethal always close to my main arteries, just in case I felt that moment would've been right to do such a thing. I thought of suicide on a constant basis back then, from driving around the town and thinking of just going full speed into the opposite lanes driver, other horrible things I don't wish to bring up, but you can get the idea that maybe 85% of all my thoughts were of death and suicide at this time.

I felt numb towards everyone and everything, having want nothing to do with anyone and only wanting to be by myself not even conversing with a friend that texts/calls me. My family even irritated me much more than any normal teenage would be irritated. I fully stayed isolated in person and by myself in thoughts just thinking of all outcomes for all different things from successfulness and living a happy life again to having not even a life to take care of anymore. I was very confused and afraid that I would seriously end my life at this time, the stress on the school work and their "employers" not helping the "customer" with needs that are surely needed to pass the year, and with most "friends" not seeming or showing their cared about my absence.

Mid January comes and I'm going to make this paragraph short because it's another story in itself, plus I think it might not be appropriate to talk about here, but it DID legit save my life and made it how it is today I acquired some magical mushrooms from a friend and my trip absolutely changed my life. There was a bad moment while starting up but knowing what to do, as I was prepared, I quickly turned my setting around to more positive flowing, and it worked like wonders because the rest of the night was the most amazingly joyful happy euphoric loving time of my life to this date.

Ever since that night and experiencing ego-death and combating my suicidal thoughts I came out a happier well rounded person that no one had ever expected. I loved everyone and everything around me more than I ever have, I actually FELT a persons feelings and emotions in one on one talks with them and was able to fully understand how they felt, my senses to feel Positive and Negative Vibes increased 1000x fold that I can tell if you're a good person or not within seconds of being around ya

I feel that death isn't the end of our existence, but merely an awakening to a much grander scale of life we could never conceive in our current ways of thinking. I learned to cope with death now these days and am waiting the inevitable to happen and carry me onto the next level of this mysterious experience. I've learned to be more compassionate towards other humans that well deserve yet, and easily ignore and stay away those that are the opposite. I even recently cleaned out all my contact logs on people I never wish to associate with anymore, and it was well over 400 people, the ones I kept are positive and I love talking with them and it's better to have a few great people in your life than a lot of people you're not sure about.

I haven't thought of any depressing suicidal thoughts since that trip, I learned to accept life the way it is and take things as they come, if something doesn't work out a couple times I feel as though it's the outer force telling us "you don't need to associate yourself with that anymore move on" (getting beat trying to get some non talkable drugs over 4+ times after my trip, all the same thing but from different people) I have stuck to only the natural herb and natural substances straight from this earth for their are only benefits.

I learned so much from my life saving trip that today, just over a year after my downfall in school with the waves of ailments, my life consists of very few friends, I have gotten out of highschool and scored a 92 on my GED letting me get a State Highschool Diploma instead, I'm smoking the herb for enjoyment and spiritually, all my wisdom and knowledge from that trip in January I carry onto other friends of mine that are stuck in a rut, and each one of them has felt tons better after my words of positivity and wisdom

Without all that happened months ago, and not being a loner to take this time to reflect on all this, I honestly feel I would be on the other side now thinking what if




*Edit* adding in replies to others

Quote:
Originally Posted by tripper157
I read most of your story. In my opinion you should really stop stressing about relatively irrelevant things such as high school classes, or what people in your school think. In the long run, none of it matters.

Ok so you fall severely behind on your work, big deal you repeat the year and explain your story on college applications. Don't stress man. Ignore what people think. Maintain a healthy diet. And you will be much happier
Exactly what I ended up doing this year, I took that time off last year to get my mind together and ready myself to redo my Senior year again this year. There was too many changes in the administrators and who ran the actual school that it was turning into what my friends and I like to call it, The New Age Nazi Reform Camp. I left the school after the BS last month and already got my GED, scored high enough to get a Legit Highschool Diploma.

I also learned NOT to stress on those little things anymore, I'm living my life now as it comes and never find myself stressing or worrying about anything big at all, it's all little things that will come and go and stay in the past. Face it when it faces you and don't worry about what doesn't directly effect you or your loved ones and you'll live a lesser stressed happier life



*edit*

Also completely changed my diet these past few months, no longer am I guzzling down soft drinks or eating burgers and fries. I went from my highest of 297 in the beginning of this Summer to this morning weighing in at a cool 236.4. Learned to eat healthier and stay away from the bad stuff and my weight dropped like crazy. All my clothes are seriously surprising to me on how big they were, being skinnier seriously made me a lot happier as well. I can no longer push out my stomach if I wanted to all just muscle that tightens up now



Quote:
Originally Posted by K3VO
It was an interesting read man, really heartfelt. Although it's never good to have to heavily depend on drugs for happiness or security, this was still a very positive and uplifting read. Glad everything worked out for the better for you!

Ah yes, I know I should've mentioned more but alas, a early bird brain is one not much for thinking

During 09 I was really bad, irresponsible with what I was doing, I was into the Benzos/Opiate pharms for a short month run due to "good friends" getting addicted and having them around all the time. I decided to do Ebombs 3times that I heard were cut with straight speed, and I'm never touch that ever again unless it's pure. Along with those, I was smoking upwards to 2-2.5g a day to my head just getting as retarded as possible with those "friends".

Over the sickness period and all that time spent in my head I tried acupuncture, meditation, all that stuff to try and cope with all the massive thoughts I was having, but when the shrooms came around out of no where it was seriously a God send for seeing what positive outlook on life it has brought me!


Now, after these months of reflection of what I truly want in my life and how I want to achieve the most happiness, to this date I have disassociated myself with quite many of those people from last year along with more that were similar or that I never felt cared at all. With getting rid of those and keeping the people I really care for closer to me, our relationships have become closer and I enjoy it more than ever before in the past. Yes I admit I am a loner spending 90% of my time alone still, still not wishing to hangout with people all the time, but I can honestly say I have never been happier with how things are now.

My pot smoking went from 2.5Gs a day and wanting to get as fucked up as possible, to respecting this plant and smoking only what I need to help my ailments throughout the day, IBS and chronic lower back pain thanks to my last and final vertebrae developing like /| instead of /\ along with my ADD medicine reducing my appetite to non existent and hopelessly trying to sleep at night. I no longer smoke to get fucked up, I use mother mary jane as I need to to help ease my pains from my medical ailments to allow me to walk around freely without stomach or back pain. I've completely stopped that stupid experiment with the pills from last year and looking for the ebombs.

No longer am I out for myself like I was last year, like my thread says, this past year has taught me so much and shown me the light in many ways that my complete being has done a complete 180 turn.

I would love to hear peoples insights or questions they may have, I'll gladly answer them all

 

Hahaha oh wow I completely forgot about this thread, exactly 3 weeks ago since I posted this.

A friend of mine recently became homeless during this month and I took her in and helped her get back on her feet. She's now at a very nice paying job and in her own apartment getting her life started on a clean slate felt amazing helping her out the whole 2-3 weeks I took her in.

Also I've dropped another 10 pounds, as of this morning I'm now at 224 and getting closer and closer to my goal each day

And everything about it all being in my head(pointed towards Road Runner) I've definitely learned that quickly after my experience 11 months ago and keep that to this day whenever I get the slight anxiety increase or for some reason get panicky, which thank god hasn't been much at all in the past few months and all this change

about the psychiatrist and counselor, I used to go to one when I was 16 up until a month after my shroom trip. I slowly realized I didn't really need to see him anymore and after my short time of reflection after my experience I just stopped seeing him all together, I was mentally and spiritually strong enough now to fix up myself on my own with just a few changes in my life, which is exactly what I did and now I'm here, 11 months later, 70+ pounds lighter, and more aware, awakened, matured(spiritually and mentally), wised up, etc., and still happier than ever making the best of my time minute by minute