I have so many thoughts that go on in my head at least a couple times every day...thoughts that one should probably talk to a therapist for. I've heard those cost money so I'm on here instead! Plus I don't really have many friends. I will tell you now this will be long and boring so read if you dare. I'm not looking for "I'm sorry" or anything like that, I just want to write somethings out so maybe they will get off my mind for a bit. Let's start with this...have you ever had something happen to you and you just can't forget about it or forgive it or tried to lock some memeries up knowing it's your whole life? When I was about 5years old my sister was born and that's when I remember "bad" things happening. My mom had to work a lot to support the family. Since my sister's father did not have a job he got to stay home and "watch" us all the time. I remember being in bed when mom left for work and I would pretend to sleep but that didn't matter. He would always come to my room and say "I know you're awake, now get up!" I was scared of him so I did. Either he'd want me to "come to bed" with him or he would make me take a shower with him. There were even times he would want to "sit and watch a movie". The movies turned out to be some kind of porn. In every situation I was forced to give him a blow job. Yes the man I use to call my dad...I remember my mom coming home early when he had me in the shower one day, I never seen him jump so fast. I hated my mom so much for not knowing for "letting" it happen, not realizing she didn't know. You see mothers have this thing where they tell you "I'm mom, I know everything" well I found out thats not true. So yea eventually he went to jail and and we moved across the US as far away as possible. Jumping a few years and a new husband which ended in a divorce and my mom having all her money stolen by "husband". My sister's grandparents came to take care of us and moved us back across the US to live with them. I always thought my sister was spoiled got everything she wanted even though she fought constantly with them. What did I get the same things I got when she was first born except not so bad. Her grandfather was an older guy so he had some trouble getting it up and I was a little better at saying no. He scared me just as much. If I didnt take a shower in front of him when grandma was gone or if I didn't change in front of him he would get so angry at me. Some times he wouldn't talk to me until I gave him what he wanted and he would tell people I was in trouble for something I didn't do. This was about the time I started cutting myself. I never cut to actually kill myself it was more so to transfer the pain and anger to something. Eventually I did what he wanted until the touching stared I didnt want it but I didn't know how to stop it. I turned 21 and was finally allowed to drive. That changed a lot for me. When I got a car I was told I had to go to college and get a job....okay sounded good to me. I had a couple jobs which were temporary. When I had to look for a new job I realized as long as I said I was "job hunting" I could stay away from the house as long as possible. This was when I became a great liar. I didn't have much money saved up and didn't know what I was going to do with my life. One day I heard he was thinking about getting Viagra which he said was supposed to help with his arthritis. This scared me more than anything so packed some bags and stayed with my best friend in his doorm. Eventually my friend talked me into going back because it might happen to my sister. I was back in the house maybe a month when he told me he bought me some "toys". That's when I knew I had to get out for good. I called my mom and my sister and I were on a plane the next day. I told my sister everything and she believed me until her grandfather called and told her I was lying. We even wrote a note to her grandmother telling her everything but he told us he flushed it down the toilet. Let's just say I have a lot of hatred and anger built up. Smoking seems to be the only thing that helps. Sometimes I find I hard to have sex or want to without smoking because memories like to flood my mind at the worse times. Now days it's My boyfriend and I. We have been together about 7 years and we just recently had a baby. We are doing well and I'm mostly happy. I don't cut myself any more though the thought crosses my mind and I have to fight it off. We are staying with my mother to save some money for a house but I just want to leave so bad. She still treats me like a kid and has real bad anger issues. She also acts like she's the mother of my baby and like we don't know what we are doing. I can't smoke much any more without hearing her mouth about me being a bad mother for smoking so I don't and now I feel like I'm always stressed. My mother is a whole other story for another time. One more thing, my sisters grandfather died recently. . .and I'm not upset about it. Part of me feels like a horrible person but but then again... Sent from my LM-X410(FG) using Grasscity Forum mobile app