Used to love smoking, now it just makes me awkward, uncomfortable, and it destroys my self-esteem when I do, why?

Go be social. Why spend all that time alone, judging yourself? Its a waste of a buzz, and its also unhealthy to think that way.

Do you exercise at all? Any hobbies? Spend time doing other things in your life and make it more fulfilling.

 

It happens to MOST tokers, what you are describing.....that flip where cannabis goes from a toy to a tool. When I said "most" smokers I am referring to those with enough intelligence to pick up on whats happening...some dont and never grasp whats happening. Marijuana is now acting as a sort of mirror for you...it does it for everyone though some never grasp the value of this...it is not only a mirror but an "objective" mirror...follow me ? Usually when you look into a mirror you are looking at the reflection in a "subjective" manner, meaning what you are observing is "subject" to your own internal scrutiny...when you are experiencing your new marijuana "MIRROR" what you are observing is yourself from someone elses detatched perspective...you are suddenly highly judgemental of what you are "seeing"by which I mean feeling, experiencing, looking at....all of you...but from an outside perspective. The truth of what people see about themselves can be quite alarming. When you suddenly realize that the ego one possesses is based upon a different set of personal beliefs that is now so vividly exposed to you each time you ingest cannabis....well...it isnt sitting on the sofa squinty eyed giggling anymore is it? It has become a tool for you now and until you come to terms with what it is showing you and learn to make USE of your new perspectives then you will continue to experience this phenomenom. Some people might suggest that this new perspective is akin to certain aspects of schizophrenia where one mind is sort of split into two differing perspectives and their might be some logic to that, but I find the effect most valuable even though it has made me toke a LOT LESS. Who really enjoys seeing their faults and need for improvement in crystal clear, IMAX quality everytime they toke? Anyway, good luck to you...now you have discovered the golden genie that lives in the smoke...use it wisely.

 

Bloodbooger is right in a lot of ways. When I smoke alone, it really opens my eyes, not so much as looking at myself, but it opens my eyes to have narcissistic our culture is. God forbid if I go on Facebook or snapchat while I'm stoned. It's really too much to explain, but I just notice how messed up everything is. How self-obsessed everyone is, how greedy the world has become, the fact that capitalism has become a religion and money a god..


Sent from four score and seven years ago

 

Fixed it up a tad bit OP.

I used to be the same way. A tolerance break changed it.
Also,
if you've ever heard of cognitive behavioral therapy, it's for ocd.
The point of it is to expose your ocd to what it's afraid of/makes you anxious.
I believe it can apply to normal life also.
Start being more of a social butterfly and I'm sure this will change.
Not hanging with people will not help. You will not have the added experience of being high with people/acting social while smoking.
Dunno if this was a ramble but it seemed thought out

 

You're insecure because you become self-aware in a way that your not use to.

It's like when people go to college and feel naked.

Your head falls out of your ass and you realize that people can see right through your facade.

Typically our minds protect us from this frightful realization but Mary Jane wants you to truly reflect on all possible realities.

 

Great post, this is exactly everything I've been through with marijuana. The only thing I have to add though is the end where you mention that you smoke less because why would you always want to be reminded of your faults? Well once you come to terms and accept those faults you truly become happy with who you are. I've found that once I did accept those flaws and faults that a lot of my anxiety went away.

 

I can remember vividly one of those moments of clarity gained from marijuana. In my early thirties I had one of those life changing moments where you are just dog tired of everything in your life... I quit a well paying job, left a stable relationship with someone I had been with for several years and moved across country to live with an ex college friend of mine in southern Mississippi. I drove for two days arriving tired and dirty from the road...I met my friend at night, at my new home and after he showed me around my new digs, we shared a couple of joints before he headed to his room for sleep leaving me on the sofa in the living room...I settled in for some much needed sleep...but laying there, under the influence of some dank sativa my mind raced through exactly where I had put myself...on a sofa...in southern Mississippi, middle of the night..no job, no girlfriend...one friend.....on a sofa trying to sleep. The depths of that realization were almost overwhelming in its effect. I wanted to freak out, cry, have a do over...anything except be there, on that sofa, in Mississippi...Next day, moved into my new room, got settled, looked for a job, eventually found one and in fact, it turned out to be the best things that ever happened to me...that shift in my life when I felt I needed it most...did the smoke help? Well, it certainly helped to scare the shit outta me...it helped in me trying harder to make this move right for me...in the end, all worked out....not sure of the value of that particular high on that particular day...but by God, I still remember my feelings from that night 26 years ago like it happened yesterday....some people might call that feeling I experienced "paranoia" but I just call it acute clarity and if one is capable of grasping what you are shown, you can make improvements in your life.

 

You're user for one won't help your self-esteem any

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Lol...feel better?