i'm living in depression too. no point denying it, or claiming, its only knocking at the door, cas thats bullshit,, depression is well past knocking at the door, depression has jumped in throught the living room window and is proceeding to rape the wife and kids infront of me. ... fuckin depression.
depression is like being blindsided by a jet black opaque train that buries itself in your very center of being...there it sits, chugging away, but going nowhere, weighing you down, not allowing your soul to do a fucking thing, all you can do is let off steam or put a bullet in your face... i choose to smoke and drink myself into the ground on friday and saturday nights.
Know what you mean... Woke up at 2 pm today and started drinking... It passes... Think through it because you are above it...
yeah that saved my head from the smashie-smashie-crushies before... but it never REALLY goes away. its always loitering around hanging over you like a ton of lead soup in a black cloud. weeeeeeeeeee. ^ the sarcastic sound of me sliding down the dark sticky icky clingly heavy painful spiral of depression. ... weeeeeee.
i wonder what sound depression would make if we gangraped it all at once...all 34545745234...or however many of us there are.
told, dude, you better find a better reason than that, cos one day you might find that its a braver thing to stay alive than escape to death. so incase that day arives, think of yer friends and yer family. we'll all be mightly pissed off at you if you wuss out on us for the gig in the sky.
get out live life......best thing a person can do to make them selves feel better.... go outside... just look around at what a cazy thing nature is how it all works and has worked for millions of years.... i dunno when ever i get a lil depressed i go down to the beach and take in the atmosphere and relax..... maybe its me but just going out side and thinking... takes all my problems and makes em vanish.....
depression is like being broken. it doesn't care how much money or love or whatever you have in your life. it doesn't care that you've done everything right (or wrong). it doesn't care that people like you, or want to help you. it doesn't care that you can't look yourself in the mirror. it just burrows in thinking "this is a nice warm brain i can fuck with, and this girl is going to cry every single fucking day cause that makes me happy"
I think it's almost impossible for people who have never felt TRUE depression to understand what it is like, am I right Digit? I read what you guys are writing, and it's like you're right there with me. It drives me nuts when someone says "It will pass" or some shit like that. They don't know what it's like to live with such crippling feelings of worthlessness, of self-hatred. They don't have a clue how you can honestly not have the energy to get out of bed, or to even leave the house. Sometimes you can control it, but like Digit said, it never REALLY goes away.... It just helps to know that other people understand....
I think everybody has it at some point in life. I feel the same way sometimes,its mostly from having to much time alone to think. Thats why i grow so i have someone to talk to at times. keep smoking it helps put a smile on.
Me too.... I even had my funeral all planned... the music, the casket, the black satin lining.... I only wanted black flowers, etc. Do you do anything to keep it under control Locus?
I dunno about your guys' depression, but mine was a nightmare for years... I dont think someone who doesn't suffer from severe clinical depression can fully understand what its like, its not "being down" or in a bummer mood, its full blown end of the world "whats the fucking point?!" depression... its comparative to someone who has never had a migraine saying "oh yeah, ive had a headache before"...just not the same..many times it got to the point where i wasn't necessarily feeling bad...yet i was far from happy...i was dead, lifeless, a vessel without a jumpy skippy perky soul to take the controls...i was a bystander watching life fly by at fucking light speeds...every single moment is dwelled upon in pure torturous and stale lifelessness... luckily I got help, I took the time to look into MAOIs and SSRIs and went to a doctor to see if i would fit "the mold" for the type of user of these meds. I nixed the MAOIs (monoamine oxidase inhibitors) early on in my search as these interfere with several recreational drugs, and they also have many more drastic side effects (for my personal lifestyle)...so i chose to try an SSRI (sustained seritonin reuptake inhibitor). My depression was due to my body's inability to produce enough seratonin (happy juice) in the brain and thus i was constantly down and unable to reach any sort of points of being ecstatic, let alone simply happy or content with life in general. Doctors (here in the US at least) are perfectly comfortable with handing out scripts for SSRIs, as the abuse potential is near to none. I ended up getting a script for Effexor XR (extended release). I used it for a week, even though the meds wont effect you noticably unntil a week or two... after that first loooong span of taking the meds with nothing different, I noticeed it statrted to help. I was more energetic, I wanted to talk more, socialize and get out and be about. I no longer wished for there to be a tunnel going form my room to the store, movies etc. so i didn't have to deal with "all those people"...goodbye insomnia, goodbye panic attacks, goodbye all out mindfucks in general...hello big beautiful earth, hello green grass, hello blue skies, hello everybody, nubbins back with some slight seritonin receptor tweaks!..... i guess my point is, if you live in a part of the world were you can and do have the option of taking these things, then DO IT!...and if you're on the razors edge still deciding whether you're suffering form a bad day or clinical depression, its better to be safe than suicidal dont you think?.. and in response to critters post, on the contrary, I bet if we could ask them most citizens of a third world country would say they do suffer from severe depression..hell, they sure have earned it in my book...unfortunately being in such an environment prevents them from receiving the best medical aid available in the world and thus resort to "self medication" (i.e. drug abuse)....
well, no actually my situation is reallllllly complicated..i'll just say this though to make it short...ive been diagnosed with clinical depression on many occasions and i know how bad it can feel sometimes, i also have very very bad back pain, and its much much worse than the actual feeling of depression, this back pain sort of thing started almost 4 yrs ago and ive came very close to suicide many times..although its not a normal kind of back pain, its very different if i were to describe it, and doctors think its from the depression, my father also put me on accutane when i was younger which is for acne and some doctors also think this may have caused the depression to worsen or start the back pain in the first place, i had never wanted to go on accutane because i knew it may cause this, anyway i duno if that did or not but i always feel i may have prevented the hell of this backpain sort of thing if my dad didnt make me take it.. and i have gona on antidepressants, ive tried many, one mix of effexor and remeron did help me a lot..and the back pain actually did get a lot better..but the side effects for me were really bad and after a year or so i decided to get off, my back pain came back again and so did the depression..but im still skeptical that the antidepressants may not have gotten rid of the back thing for other reasons and details i wont get into right now..anyway im struggling so much that i cant do anything and i graduated highschool last june..ive been seeing a psychologist lately and i saw a psychiatrist recently also who said i should try prozac and remeron and things are so bad that i think i will pretty soon, even if i have to deal with side effects or atleast find one that works with ones i can deal with and still be satisfied than that will be enough i guess cus i cant live this way much more..thats just a bit of the story but enough that ya can see what im talkin about though i guess..
I take 150mgs effexor XR twice daily, Ive been on it now for over three years. No side effects (that ive noticed) no contradictions between this and other drugs...basically ive found my match..it may not be the best ssri for everyone, but for me it was a godsend. I suffered not so much mainly from clinical depression, but more so the depression brought on by social anxiety disorder. Not only was i depressed, gbut i easily went into panic attacks in large groups or social situations...people were judging me with their eyes, or maybe i was making an ass of myself somehow...there was always a reason or detail in a social situation to begin to dwell on and quickly have an all out panic attack. Not to say I dont have my ups and downs still today, i still have days where im obviously in a depressed state...but knowing tthe way my body works,knowing that to at least some extent its perfectly natural for your mind to wanna take a time out and escape from society now and then, but to know that "it will get better" is the most reasurring thing to me...its the one big difference ive noticed since being medicated for it..my ability to look at it from an objective point of view and be able to say with confidence "things will get better" I had a very close friend who's cousin killed himself after severe issues with depression. He was also prescribed accutane for his acne. His family has gotten involved in class action lawsuits involving it and its makers, you shoudl look into this...if you still have acne then ask to be switched to something like Doryx (amoxycillin)...its benign and simply an antibacterial medication for acne sufferers...it works even better when used in combination with topical meds such as differin (adapeline gel)..
when im really high, i am really high and when i am really low, i am really low i choose not to use any type of drugs and take the highs with the lows it helps me to just talk about it and express how i feel to other people, im not going to kill myself, there is no way, but saying it, and by saying it, helping to express how depressed i am, that helps a little.
hey thanks for the advice, i dont have the acne anymore really, acutually at that age im pretty sure it was normal to have that acne because of puberty and it really was not so bad as to have to go on to accutane, and lots of kids around school and everything had it much worse around that time and i thought it would go away on its own just as it normally does when you get older but through all my resisting my dad kept persisting, i guess he only wanted to help though but still i definitely would have never gone on it so i get real angry about this sometimes..there was already depression in my family, my grandmother killed herself because of it and my mother is on mixes of antidepressants and such also, although i was on a low dose of accutane and not for so long thats why the acne came back when i did stop and eventually went away anyway slowly over the years so i think it that was just how it would have been if i hadnt taken it anyway..maybe i guess it couldnt really hurt to take a look at the lawsuit stuf also..although i do hate to think about the accutane hey but ive had that kind of anxiety and panic attacks also, and i hate that too, and i still do when im around a lot of people or talking to someone for a while or if i feel theyre looking at me a lot or i also feel that everyone is looking at me at times too and it can just get out of control from there ya know.. ..but i still also have that question, i know maybe i wouldnt want to smoke weed when im on antidepressants anyway but do you still do it? ..i mean since youre on this board? i thought the interactions between antidepressants and marijuana were not good..
I can't speak for everyone but to me depression stems from a lack of purpose. It always hits me hardest when i realize how pointless my current actions are. In the last few years it hasn't been as bad but there was a time a while back when this notion of a pointles existence popped up right when i was coming to terms with human mortality... it wasn't good. What brought me out of that time in my life wasn't finding a purpose, but deciding that i was worth enough to make my own purpose. To me that was the most wise conclusion i've ever come to.