first all, lemme say this isnt an "oooh please pitty me i'm a poor heroin addict" thread... say ignorant shit, tell me i need to go to rehab, get a job, whatever, i know what IIII need to do, its just a matter of doing it i've been a full blown heroin addict going on 6 months now, there's only been 1 single day that i havent been able to get dope, and as usual, the month is starting to draw to an end, meaning my neighbors will run out of money to buy their dope, which in turn gets free dope for me... i'm only getting half my unemployment check (i dont even know if i'm getting half, i think i am though, cuz i NEEED it) which is really throwing a loophole at me, cuz i planned on paying off these fucking debts that arent starting to threaten legal action against me with my last 350 dollar unemployment check, although theres a 13 week extension bush signed and i read up and i'm eligible for it as far as i know (n i pray to father that he can help me get it because i'm dearly in need of it. i also got some black market money coming in this week, so i'll be able to pay my important bills, but not all the bills i wanted to pay.. anyway, i wanted to pay off these bills and then i'm praying to god my dad will help me pay for going to detox, which is around 900-1000 dollars, n i dont have health insurance or medicaid to cover it. but the thing thats really fucking with me, is that i know i'm not ready to quit doing dope, i still want to do it but i just want it to be like before, where i do it here n there, like i did for so many years, but i'm just so fucking scared that after i get all the H out of my body, that i'll actually be able to get high again, cuz when i got high before, i was wrecked all day, now i have to resort to mixing benzo's with my dope which damn near killed me the other day and man do i wish it would have. i dont want to commit suicide, but i do want to just die, the level of control that heroin has on my mind is fucking horrible, i have around 8mg's of suboxone so getting sick isnt what worries me, its just that rush that i fiend for so bad that terrifies me, not being sick, i feel like i'm a meth addict. i dont even know wtf i'm trying to say, i just have allt hese fucking worries and a feeling of hopelessness inside me that i cant put into any kind of meaningful sentences bottom line is, i'm worried that i'm never gonna be able to quit, i just literally love heroin that much, and i dont want to go to detox just to get fuckin hooked again the same week that i get out and waste my dads money, sometimes i feel like the only way to get out of this addiction is death, but i dont want to commit suicide because that would be very disrespectful and selfish. i mean it took me 4 years to break my addiction to dxm, but you cant steal heroin from the department store to get ur fix, so this is really fucking me up, and they say a heroin addict is the worst kind of addict, and will struggle with urges all their life, but the thing is, i collapse into urges really easily, i put heroin before everyone, i dont even pickup the phone for my best friend now cuz i'm ashamed to tell him that i dont have the gas to come chill with him because i need that gas for tomorrow to make it to the hood to cop i just wish i could start over, or inherit a huge chunk of money to pay all of my shit n then i wouldnt feel so horrible i dont know, i just needed to blow off some steam, i'm fucking wrecked off xanax and heroin right now, i spent 6 fuckin hours asleep on my chair today, what kind of pathetic life is that to leave, i sleep away all of my days and on top of all that stress, i got a DUI charge coming up from crashing my car on dope, i could have easily killed someone else and be in jail for a long time right now, so i guess my horrible karma i think i have is mostly brought on by myself, but at the same time the good that i do saaves me from truly gettin butt fucked... this DUI could be a blessing in disguise for all i know, i just hope i can get the ARD program so my license is only gone for 60 days, maybe that 60 days of not bein able to drive to the hood everyday will straiten me out i dont know, this post probably has made no sense, i just needed to tell someone all my bundled up thoughts..... i just wonder how my dad will reeact to me telin him i need to go to detox... i hope its a good detox wherever its at, i need to just be locked away where i have some time to really think about shit without all this heroin bound to the receptors in my brain i'm suprised me driving a car all fucked on xanax bars and heroin didnt turn into my last car (except with people other than me in it to be responsible for)
I hope you find whatever it is that your looking for in this world. get clean off the H if possible man, find something constructive to take its place. Like cars, or photography, or a job you really like, like at a headshop maybe? haha. but really, I do hope you get clean. stick to the all naturals. weed, alcohol, and shrooms. thats what I go by, hasnt fucked me over yet.
Youre still young, man. Your life is still worth something. I'd hate to say it, but if you don't want to quit horse chances are this wont be your last "thoughts of a junkie" thread. You just NEED to realize that shits making your body turn into more and more of a wasteland every single day. I'm not telling you to choose the lesser of two evils, but there are so many better highs out there; highs that wont kill you. Even after a binge, sobriety feels like a high. Good luck getting clean dude. Do it for yourself.
I really hope you overcome your addiction and beat heroin. And i really dont care about 2 many people but ive always read your posts. You dont deserve this...you're not a bad guy and you're actually pretty intelligent. I dunno i hope you eventually do it
Neg. I love you. lol i like your threads. But seriously, the whole driving will doped up, and on xanx...isnt such a step in the right direction, but at least you have a plan, and thats the first step. On a side note, talking on aim was pretty fun, and did you ever do that ritual you were talking about?
Sucky story there Neg. Wish you all of good fortune in your quest to get clean from chasing the dragons tail. Only thing I am addicted to is nicotine, and from failing to quit that rather silly habit several times, I know addiction is a bitch. Ofcourse, nicotine isn't nearly as serious as H, but addiction-wize it's much the same. Perhaps you should try stocking up on some good weed, enough for a couple of weeks non-stop smoking, and just toke yourself to oblivion in an effort to quench the thirst for heroin. Don't know if it will help as such, but I'm sure it beats going entirely sober whilst your system is cleaning out. As you say, you've only been an addict for about half a year, so it shouldn't be too late for you to turn stuff around rather than sink deeper into the hole you now are in.
Good luck Neg' I really hope you can beat this addiction, you're one of my favorite blades one of your biggest problems (other than the heroin and debt) is your attitude towards working, in another post, you said something like "$7-$8 dollars an hour isn't worth dealing with a bunch of assholes all day" that alone is true, but you have to start somewhere, and a crappy minimum wage job is a good enough job, now you're making half of what you need to live on, and you have all day to sleep and shoot-up, with a minimum wage job, you get over $300 a week full time, and you don't have the time to keep shooting up. and btw, If you haven't completely screwed your dad over before, and he knows how bad your addiction is, he will at least help pay for detox. anyways good luck man
"i got hard or soft....2 for 1 for day, holla at me" /kidding/ get some xanax and use it when you're havin a dope craving, not to potentiate the h, also, eat lots of fruits and veggies, you know, cover all your vitamins, drink plenty of fluid and keep a sleep aid near by for the first couple days, play a sport more often and you'll be straight
If I could give you the last 54 of my Suboxone's I would, as I no longer need them.. Edit: And if you think it's bad now, just a heads up, detox is not going to be fun. No methadones to take the edge off, nadadamnthang.
theres no turning back....once a cucumber turns into a pickle you cant ever go back to being a cucumber. Same is true for junkies. I lived that way for 20 years....bottom line is you gotta want it. If you approach kicking with a nonchalant attitude...its never gonna work itself out. Your destiny is in your hands. Good Luck kid, probably the most balls youve ever had to muster........this aint gonna be easy. Jah bless.
i think you can do anything you want to if you really want it. kicking an addiction is one of the hardest things you'll ever go through in life, but it has its rewards. at least you got to step 1, and now it's time to just fill in the rest of the steps. but we're here if you need support!
like you said im not about to tell you to go to rehab get help and shit obviously you know dope is not doing anything great for your life longterm atleast but like they say " you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink" when the time is right i think you`ll go to rehab and could clean up your act especially since unlike a lot of people you do already realize you have a problem and arent in denial good luck bro
Most of the people I've talked to who have successfully kicked an addiction, be it alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, etc... say to successfully quit you need to WANT to quit for YOURSELF. If you don't want to quit right now, it's probably not going to happen, especially if you fall into urges easily. Like the bigzach said, when the time is right you'll clean yourself up. Good luck man, I hope things work out for you.
I think you know my past history about being a fucking stone cold junkie, so theres no point into realy getting into that..... The fact is though, for me... in the past... I had never quit doing dope for any of the right reasons, it was always for someone and or something else...bills, jail ect... If your not ready or don't really want to quit, then don't because its just going to be a painful waste of time and money....honestly, i don't care about what the fuck anyone says about trying to get better..... its not gonna happen until you want it to.... an even though you already know this.... that whole rec. dope use bullshit is never gonna happen again, its over....its a part of you now and always will be, to the point you can't use safely. It'll always end up in a habbit or an OD.... Im not by any means trying to preach.... you know what you have to do... the question is are you ready to... ready, to lose your love, your warmth, the thing that fills that void in your life everyday, the lifestyle, the comfortable numbness that only a dopefiend can understand.... the rituals, the spike, and something to take you away from yourself. This is from a personal perspective, bc dope was everything to me.... my best friend and life.... by any means I didn't beat it... I've just been holding it down for the last nine months, there isn't a day goes by that i don't wanna slam a bag... but the consequnces are to rough for me right now.... give it a few more years, you'll figure it out....