These poems need criticism

Discussion in 'The Artist's Corner' started by Cuerdas, Dec 9, 2010.

  1. I have three assignments for my creative writing class which i have to do to graduate due to my lack of participation and attention in class (I hate writing so much....)
    Feel free to be as critical as you want i won't cry

    The first i had to do is a poem on this quote from What Dreams May Come:

    “Thought is real. Physical is the illusion. Ironic, huh?”

    Albert Lewis

    Here it is:


    What Is

    Reality as we know it exists
    An illusion lost in time
    A product of our imagination
    Thought is real
    What keeps us going
    What keeps us sane
    The foundation of everything
    Everything you think Is
    Somewhere all your thoughts come to life
    Your personal heaven awaits

    kind of just built on the quote

    The second is about the painting Water Lily Pond

    The Bridge

    On this side everything's dark
    Birds no longer chirp
    Grass no longer grows
    There is a bridge to the other side
    That side is bright
    Too bright
    I cannot see the light is blinding
    The bridge is over a water lily pond
    I am afraid of going over this bridge
    But I am also afraid of staying
    I will take my chances and move on
    Whatever is on that side cannot be worse than this

    the topic was courage and perseverance
    don't know if i covered both


    the third topic was to map my life in a poem from the time i was born to my 18th birthday using important events in my life


    First breath of air
    The breath of life
    Not aware of who or what I was
    Now only a child
    Leaving everything behind
    Family and friends now out of my sight
    Fearful and lonely I walk
    What language is this that I hear?
    Only gibberish to my ears
    First day of school
    I'm scared and feel helpless
    Who is this extending their hand in friendship?
    My best friend
    We learned English together and are friends to this day
    My first bike
    My first stitches
    Hearing led zeppelin awakened my artistic ambitions
    I picked up my first guitar and I knew then what I wanted to do with my life
    Now I'm 18 and the world is in front of me
    What will happen in the future only god knows
    But I hope my dreams and ambitions can be achieved in time

    Please tell me if they're any good
    Anything I should add or change?

    And Thank You For Reading This
     
  2. not bad, not bad at all
     
  3. Close your eyes and then open them really quick. Think about how reality forms in such a brief time. You never realize it when you blink but when you stop to smell the roses and focus, life is all an illusion if you don't realize what makes you real. The lessons being taught are already known, we just have to remember all over again. Some do it quicker than others. I think your work is good, but don't reduce it to a lesson in school. Apply everything on your journey of life and you will see life is great, this great big illusion can put a real smile on your face!
     
  4. im not saying life isnt great the poem just has alot to do with What Dreams May Come which that quote is from
    i like what you wrote though
     
  5. Unless your teacher has some pretty specific way they are going to grade the poems, I would say they are definitely at least worthy of a B. I would give them an A. They're nice lol.

    Oh yeah, the first one was really sweet.
     

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