You see, to me, everything seems as it is. Because it is. I feel like everything is pointless. Though everything was made as it is, to be enjoyed. And a sacrifice must be paid to have joy, the sacrifice is to not have joy by having pain. I must've been born to a world of confusion, because i feel their is no point in giving definitions to the tangible. And that i should just rather let everything be seen as intangible, an organized confusion, that doesn't really pertain to me. Reality, to put it simply, just seems too much for me to be able to work with. So much problems, with solutions that cause more problems. It seems the only solution to get rid of the problem is to kill it completely. I thought of suicide many times, but I can't seem to get myself to do it. Emotions takeover, and i could never literally get myself to take logical steps to take an action to put an end to myself. Then I thought about going Joker-status, going completely evil, and taking it lightly as to be joking over it, and destroying the world just to fix these endless problems we are suffering. All in all, we are all predestined. Some were born to understand. Some were born to misinterpret. Some were born to confuse. Some were born to organize. Hell, I feel like a blur and I wasn't destined to be anything but a blur. That my life was made for suffering, just so everyone else can have joy. I maybe wrong, because each individuals soul is made different from God, starting from His Godliness, to the least Godliest. I feel as if I am the last, or the one caught in the center. A negative times a negative is a positive, that's how sinners have salvation. A positive times a positive is a positive, that's how the pious have joy. A positive times a negative is a negative, that's why I am confused.
That is exactly how I feel, and it's crazy to read this on a day when I seem to feel like that most of all.
I feel what you are saying because it resonates with my heart, ie. I have, and perhaps still do, feel the same way. I do feel like a blur at times, I do get upset at the state of humanity, I do cry at times. Logic is a beast that has been triumphed by a world of inactivity, of lost direction and confusion. Emptiness is a state that I am in, and the more it is fought the more it prevails. So, I've come to my own peace; left the world behind to drown in its own sorrow, it's own self-created state of emptiness. I am working not on making the world a better place, but working on making myself a more true and encompassing being. They say that sometimes you need a home before you can go out and work. And that is what is being established, a home to be. A home I can always feel free, even if the freedom is illusory. I know this world has got me by the balls, it's forcing me this and that way, not allowing too much room for exploration. But once you've accepted it, it only brings you to an elevated state of peace within. The focus has been swayed too far from the self, too far from the center. Why should I go out and try to rescue others when I myself am not even in a position to do so? Why struggle with others when you are struggling with yourself? You see, liberation can only come from within. The divine energy is only from within. Love, tenderness, nature; they cannot be fully projected, ie faked, but they may be energy that invigorates you from the inside out. Somewhere the path falls and the wondering feet of yesterday become the lost souls of today with no home in sight. Where is this fork in the road? Where is it that we started tripping on ourselves? So, what's the message? What is it that I am trying to say? No, I don't have all the answers. No, I may not understand where it is that you are coming from or if I can even help. What I can say, though, is to just have faith and learn to love. Be earnest and kind, but never lose the essence of being genuine. For before you know it, more weeds will grow on your lawn only waiting for you to pick. The tree that is cut down may grow back again given supple care. The fish that swims may find where it has wanted to go. And one may find their home if they look deep enough.
I snuck out some of my brothers shisha earlier and ate some, i felt like everything became clear and i could express my true feelings like nothing. But the effects wore off. Native Americans used tobacco to clear up confusion. I obviously used it and revealed it. I could go for some more, but it tastes awful and i should only do it every once in awhile. It's not as bad as drinking vinegar though. I like the concept though, it's like meditating in the big city. You are not part of the chaos, but your sitting in it and allowing it to go around you without paying much mind to it. But I feel like i have adhd or something cause i can't sit still for that long unless i am tired. I'm starting to work out again, so I'm going to become more physical, which, when i hit a peak, i would be able to join the military or something. I feel like a got to be part of the confusion somehow. So why not subject myself to the deepest of the confusion, war. I feel like i would get a more clear concept of the world once i am fucked. And if I survive, maybe i would be able to appreciate my life a little more.
That is a hard way to go, definitely takes courage to be able to say "fuck you world" and go off on your own like that. Hope some bliss predominates over your life. "Your way is very good for you, but not for me. My way is good for me, but not you for." -Swami Vivekananda