http://skippyslist.com/?page_id=3 This is a part of the 'Skippy list', things that a soldier in the Us Army wasn't allowed to do anymore. Some of it's laugh out loud funny...go to his site for the rest of the entries. The Skippy List Explanations of these events: a) I did myself, and either got in trouble or commended. (I had a Major shake my hand for the piss bottle thing, for instance.) b) I witnessed another soldier do it. (Like the Sergeant we had, that basically went insane, and crucified some dead mice.) c) Was spontaneously informed I was not allowed to do. (Like start a porn studio.) d) Was the result of a clarification of the above. (“What about especially patriotic porn?â€) e) I was just minding my own business, when something happened. (“Schwarz…what is *that*?†said the Sgt, as he pointed to the back of my car? “Um….a rubber sheep…I can explain why that's there….â€) To explain how I've stayed out of jail/alive/not beaten up too badly….. I'm funny, so they let me live. The 213 Things…. 1. Not allowed to watch Southpark when I'm supposed to be working. 2. My proper military title is “Specialist Schwarz†not “Princess Anastasiaâ€. 3. Not allowed to threaten anyone with black magic. 4. Not allowed to challenge anyone's disbelief of black magic by asking for hair. 5. Not allowed to get silicone breast implants. 6. Not allowed to play “Pulp Fiction†with a suction-cup dart pistol and any officer. 7. Not allowed to add “In accordance with the prophesy†to the end of answers I give to a question an officer asks me. 8. Not allowed to add pictures of officers I don't like to War Criminal posters. 9. Not allowed to title any product “Get Over itâ€. 10. Not allowed to purchase anyone's soul on government time. 11. Not allowed to join the Communist Party. 12. Not allowed to join any militia. 13. Not allowed to form any militia. 14. Not allowed out of my office when the president visited Sarajevo. 15. Not allowed to train adopted stray dogs to “Sic Brass!†16. Must get a haircut even if it tampers with my “Samson like powersâ€. 17. God may not contradict any of my orders. 18. May no longer perform my now (in)famous “Barbie Girl Dance†while on duty. 19. May not call any officers immoral, untrustworthy, lying, slime, even if I'm right. 20. Must not taunt the French any more. 21. Must attempt to not antagonize SAS. 22. Must never call an SAS a “Wankerâ€. 23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they've been smoking crack. 24. Must not tell any officer that I am smarter than they are, especially if it's true. 25. Never confuse a Dutch soldier for a French one. 26. Never tell a German soldier that “We kicked your ass in World War 2!†27. Don't tell Princess Di jokes in front of the paras (British Airborne). 28. Don't take the batteries out of the other soldiers alarm clocks (Even if they do hit snooze about forty times). 29. The Irish MPs are not after “Me frosted lucky charmsâ€. 30. Not allowed to wake an Non-Commissioned Officer by repeatedly banging on the head with a bag of trash. 31. Not allowed to let sock puppets take responsibility for any of my actions. 32. Not allowed to let sock puppets take command of my post. 33. Not allowed to chew gum at formation, unless I brought enough for everybody. 34. (Next day) Not allowed to chew gum at formation even if I *did* bring enough for everybody. 35. Not allowed to sing “High Speed Dirt†by Megadeth during airborne operations. (“See the earth below/Soon to make a crater/Blue sky, black death, I'm off to meet my makerâ€) 36. Can't have flashbacks to wars I was not in. (The Spanish-American War isn't over). 37. Our medic is called “Sgt Larwasaâ€, not “Dr. Feelgoodâ€. 38. Our supply Sgt is “Sgt Watkins†not “Sugar Daddyâ€. 39. Not allowed to ask for the day off due to religious purposes, on the basis that the world is going to end, more than once. 40. I do not have super-powers. 41. “Keep on Trucking†is *not* a psychological warfare message. 42. Not allowed to attempt to appeal to mankind's baser instincts in recruitment posters. 43. Camouflage body paint is not a uniform. 44. I am not the atheist chaplain. 45. I am not allowed to “Go to Bragg boulevard and shake daddy's little money maker for twenties stuffed into my undiesâ€. 46. I am not authorized to fire officers. 47. I am not a citizen of Texas, and those other, forty-nine, lesser states. 48. I may not use public masturbation as a tool to demonstrate a flaw in a command decision. 49. Not allowed to trade military equipment for “magic beansâ€. 50. Not allowed to sell magic beans during duty hours. 51. Not allowed to quote “Dr Seuss†on military operations. 52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra†at the rifle range. 53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range. 54. “Napalm sticks to kids†is *not* a motivational phrase. 55. An order to “Put Kiwi on my boots†does *not* involve fruit. 56. An order to “Make my Boots black and shiny†does not involve electrical tape. 57. The proper response to a lawful order is not “Why?†58. The following words and phrases may not be used in a cadence- Budding sexuality, necrophilia, I hate everyone in this formation and wish they were dead, sexual lubrication, black earth mother, all Marines are latent homosexuals, Tantric yoga, Gotterdammerung, Korean hooker, Eskimo Nell, we've all got jackboots now, slut puppy, or any references to squid. 59. May not make posters depicting the leadership failings of my chain of command. 60. “The Giant Space Ants†are not at the top of my chain of command. 61. If one soldier has a 2nd Lt bar on his uniform, and I have an E-4 on mine It means he outranks me. It does not mean “I have been promoted three more times than youâ€. 62. It is better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission, no longer applies to Specialist Schwarz. 63. Command decisions do *not* need to be ratified by a 2/3 majority. 64. Inflatable novelties do *not* entitle me to BAQ or Separation pay. 65. There are no evil clowns living under my bed. 66. There is no “Anti-Mime†campaign in Bosnia. 67. I am not the Psychological Warfare Mascot. 68. I may not line my helmet with tin foil to “Block out the space mind control lasersâ€. 69. May not pretend to be a fascist stormtrooper, while on duty. 70. I am not authorized to prescribe any form of medication. 71. I must not flaunt my deviances in front of my chain of command. 72. May not wear gimp mask while on duty. 73. No military functions are to be performed “Skycladâ€. 74. Woad is not camouflage makeup. 75. May not conduct psychological experiments on my chain of command. MelT
52. Not allowed to yell “Take that Cobra†at the rifle range. 53. Not allowed to quote “Full Metal Jacket “ at the rifle range.
Click on the link, here are my favorites: 97. Gozer does not dwell in my refrigerator ( think ghost busters) 100. Claymore mines are not filled with yummy candy, and it is wrong to tell new soldiers that they are. 106. I may not trade my rifle for any of the following: Cigarettes, booze, sexual favors, Kalishnikovs, Soviet Armored vehicles, small children, or bootleg CD's. There's more but, I dont wanna laugh harder than I already am!
145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test. 146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same. Definately what im ganna do the next time i have to take a drug test
22. Must never call an SAS a “Wanker”. 23. Must never ask anyone who outranks me if they’ve been smoking crack. 91. I am not authorized to initiate Jihad. this shit's great. hahaha 145. I should not drink three quarts of blue food coloring before a urine test. 146. Nor should I drink three quarts of red food coloring, and scream during the same.