some shit i said the first time i did shrooms. got stuck in a mind loop and kept saying "things are things because if they werent then they wouldnt be so they are and they must be. things are things man. things are things."
Me and a couple of my homies had some girls drive us to jack in the box...one of them got like 4 big cheeseburgers...and he was eating 1 of them and it took him like a minute to take two bites since he was savoring it so much...so he says " oh my god its taking me like 5 years to eat my burger, here, eat this one so I dont run out of time to eat the next one" it was funnier then hell. Then earlier in the night the same guy was like "jeans feel so good on your legs man they just feel fucking awesome"..a couple minutes later I was like damn my shoulder hurts...so he was like "put some jeans on them!" one of the funniest nights of my life.
people were talking about giving all the retarded people in the world nuclear bombs for some reason and I looked at one of them very seriously and say "You idiot! You don't give retards bombs!"
Me speaking with a guy who was deciding wether he wanted to take me as an intern and teach me about business. (He is giving an intro) Him: You know really, business is all about taking time. Being patient. (My name) are you a patient fellow? Me: A what? Him: A patient fellow? Me: Ummm... No i'm not in the hospital. Him: Patient... like being able to wait. Me: Oh... I thought you meant like a patient that got injured.......
Me and a couple buddies got arrested for possession a few months ago and they took us all down to give us the good old strip-search. They made us walk into a private room, spread our legs, bend over and cough. All while they looked up our assholes with a flashlight. Needless to say, 'twas a harrowing experience. Anyway, I have a friend who looks, sounds, and acts EXACTLY like Brian from Half Baked. It's ridiculous how much this kid reminds me of him... They could be twins. Anyway, as he walked out from having his asshole peered into, he walks out and in the most stoned-possible voice, he says "I feel violated, man!" We geeked out in jail for about 4 hours before they let us go home.
I was chillen with my best friends, smoking a bowl or two having a couple beers. I manage their band and they have a show at a really popular club/bar in Albany, NY. They kept going on how theres going to be mad hot girls would be there and all that shit. I was quiet this whole time when I just pipe up and say, "I guess I'll have to dress pretty then". With the straightest face you could imagine. I was damn serious. Now get this, I am your XXL Average Joe. I have a little girth to myself. I also dress really plain with just blank hoodies and jeans. And for me to say something like that is so out of context to me. But as soon as I did say it, my friends just fall to the floor in laughter.