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The Double-Edge sword

Discussion in 'Seasoned Marijuana Users' started by WeaveAndWish, Oct 25, 2016.

  1. #1 WeaveAndWish, Oct 25, 2016
    (Due to some rule concerns my thread was removed. I have amended these mentions to further this discussion)

    Hey blades, I've been smoking for quite a while. All of my high school years till now. My time on this site, though long, not near as long as my smoking years. I've taken year long breaks and such but for the most part have been a smoker. I go on particular binges a lot and choose not to partake in weed as it's kind of changed its nature.

    I'm curious if anyone has experiences these type of dilemmas. When I first started smoking, like many, weed distressed me. It allowed my brain to work a little more freely and i felt overall a happier, better person. And sometimes it would make me think a little deeper in things to feel ways I couldn't. But now, it can go one of two ways, and i'm not sure if i pinpoint this beginning on other use or not but the high can go from this original care free (usually this is more with a few hits of concentrates rather than flower) mind set and i can just feel a little free-er.

    Or, it can go the other route, the thinking route. And this is where it's changed. It no longer allows me to think deeper in a more productive way, no, it makes me think deeper in the depression way. Deeper on things in the past, thoughts that serve no real benefit to me other than to make me feel terrible. I'm not gonna lie, i've done some things i feel bad, we all have regrets. But in my sober state and other states, i've learned to learn from these events and apply them to be a better person.

    Weed sometimes undoes this and makes me feel terrible for these events. Though I can see some benefit. It does open up parts that though make me feel terrible, make me appreciate things. A big factor is my mother. Sometimes on weed, i'll just imagine my mother, and I'll think of her age. I'll think of her past as a younger person full of dreams and ideas of what her future will hold. Her idea of finding true love.

    I imagine the song "Landslide" by Fleetwood mac. I think of her as a younger person and finding her love. And the place she is now, though no bad, but not where she probably would expect to be, especially me being a good son. Her never really finding that love she has always wanted.

    So, my brain gets stuck in these emotional states and though to think on them doesn't help better anything in the present, it does allow me to realize how much I love her. But it doesn't give me the motivation to be better in any productive way. It actually just depresses me and makes me wanna fade away.

    I've started taking another natural alternative to modern medicine and it's been a real nice natural replacement of anti-depressants and it's allowed me to appreciate my mom, understand how things are, BUT give me that urge to be better, to move forward, to help make her life what it could be.

    I'm just curious if anyone experiences this. I go to festivals and see people just smoke and enjoy it and I wish i could do that again. But in order for me to, i pretty much have to use dabs, and ONLY use a small amount and make sure i guide my thoughts JUST right as to not spark up these thoughts.

    I'd love to have a talk with someone about this, though I doubt many people experience exactly this problem.
     
  2. #2 Mack D Rockefeller, Oct 25, 2016
    I have that 'problem', I just don't care.
    I'll smoke and get high and enjoy myself the same, but I might think of killing myself or how much I wish I would die.
    It's funny that when I first started smoking, I did it to have fun, and now at this point it's just something I have to do to feel anything. I don't care, though, fuck, who cares, smoke weed and enjoy the buzz, train yourself not to marinade on that past shit.
     
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  3. #3 WeaveAndWish, Oct 25, 2016
    Yeah that's what I try to do. Sometimes I can, sometimes not. There was a Joker guy that commented on the removed thread. I can't remember his name :/ He was going through the same thing.
     
  4. #4 This never happened!, Oct 25, 2016
    Hey-O! New to grasscity! I wanted to say that I totally feel you on the highs going one of two ways. Unpredictable highs can also cause anxiety about smoking in general. I noticed that oftentimes my high would follow or accentuate my underlying mood. Have you noticed anything like that? And do those types of thoughts or emotions drift in and out during the times when you are sober? I struggle with depression and cannabis can be a real life savor if used in a "smart way". If I'm low my highs tend to be more analytical and negative and if I'm in an "ok" place, good ole' MJ will lift my mood or relax me. Have you tried mindfulness meditation? That's the only thing that has helped me feel better and as a result my highs are better. Nothing new-agey either. It's only 10 min a day focusing on your breath (but not high during those 10 min). Maybe that would help you. I would give it a shot. On the other hand you could see it as a positive (in a weird sort of way). The "bad/weird" highs could allow you to see what sorts of thoughts you're having or what's really eating at you and then you can sort of pause and say, "Ok, these things are bothering me and this is what I'm going to do about it." And then work towards making small improvements. Hang in there!
     
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  5. #5 WeaveAndWish, Oct 26, 2016
    Yeah it usually does tend to follow that route, but sometimes it can completely change my good mood even if I'm feeling good. I've been into meditation techniques for a while but i stopped. I use paxil for anti-depression and couldn't sleep well at all without weed or alcohol, so I practiced meditation. It helped a lot but I've never actually taken the time to apply to my mental state to lower anxiety. Perhaps I'll pick that up.

    And exactly, that's how I try to view it. But I am trying to achieve these goals to make the improvements but my high self in that state of mind doesn't seem to care. It pays no mind to the path.
     
  6. #6 This never happened!, Oct 27, 2016
    I would def try the meditation thing (there are lots of free websites that teach you how to get the most out of it. I don't know if I'm allowed to post them here but direct message me if you want to know what they are), it takes about 6 weeks to start really feeling the benefits, but you will slowly feel some changes at the 4 week mark. Do you think your anti-depressants could be making you flat? I had to get off of meds (not recommending it to anyone without talking to your doctor first) because I felt NOTHING. Everything was gray and bland and boring and I didn't see the point in ANYthing. Smoking would either aggravate these feelings or distract me from them for a few hours, but it was always so unpredictable. Sometimes feeling all "wonky" and blah is a side effect of the meds but can be adjusted so you feel more like yourself and can enjoy smoking again (both cannabis and certain types of anti-depressants bind to the same receptors in your brain and that could also explain why smoking has become a bit weird for you lately). I wouldn't swear off smoking altogether because I do feel that it can really benefit people with depression but I think there are "smart" ways of going about it so you get the most benefit from it. Maybe try using smoking as a "reward" for something you do for yourself (like going outside and taking a walk or eating better or exercising). That might change your mindset about it all as well. Plus, when we do small things to boost the mood we feel better in general and if you use cannabis as something to help unwind after or as a "treat" for doing something to get better (maybe instead of a solution to your problems). Just throwing some ideas out there, I don't know if this will help you at all but it worked for me. If things get too crazy when you smoke, maybe another tolerance break while you sort your meds out will do the trick. Another way to deal with those yucky feelings is journaling (high or not). Have you ever tried doing that? If you are worried about someone reading it you can always rip the pages out right after. It just feels better getting some of that stuff out of you.
     

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