Alright everybody, i need some help. im not very great with people. im a shy, quiet person.. which makes it difficult to start/continue conversations. i posted in another thread that after highschool ive quickly began to lose my friends. we are not alike in any way. now i dont really give a shit about friends.. that doesnt matter too much to me. the thing is however, that i havent had a girlfriend since i was like 14. highschool did a number on me, i developed some hardcore social anxiety, and stopped meeting new people (particularly girls i found attractive). before i go on, i will have to say that the social anxiety i used to experience crushed my social skills. if i have to do something, i do it and nothing else. sort of like a robot. i want this to change. what i need to know to save my social skills entirely, is how to handle various situations. im going to skip anything with regular friendship with other guys, because i dont really care. ive had like 3-4 girls as friends in my entire life. mostly when i was a kid though. so i want to know the following: When you find somebody attractive, how do you talk to them? what i mean is, what do you say? what kind of a tone? this goes for both girls, and guys. what do you normally say to the opposite sex if you find them attractive? now like i said, i havent had a girlfriend since i was 14, 6+ years ago. so how is it people meet other people? how do you approach people? one time somebody approached me and she was saying things like "hey cool shoes" and shit (i wear vibram fivefingers). unfortunately i did not realize at the time what was happening, it wasnt until it was explained to me i realized what that situation even was. what do people even do? do you ask her out to dinner at a fancy restaurant, movies, hangout, coffee? i guess a better question would be this, ladies, what do you want to happen when you meet a guy you like? i imagine there are situations in which its considerably easier.. like if you work with somebody you get to know them a bit through that, makes it easier to speak to each other etc.. so as you can see i am in need of help, because i have absolutely no clue what to do when it comes to females, and i want to change this when im still young.
Something I learned in psychology was that our behavior changes our thoughts and actions. If you wanna change yourself behave the way you would like to see yourself; this is how people change. Thinking differently can change your behavior just like behaving differently can change your thinking.
Man if your writing out some big story bout all your girlfriends please save it, we need to know how your mind thinks in terms of entering a social situation, that is where your problem is beginning. And lbs post is relevant too. Very relevant.
This is not going to work if you try to overthink it like this. If you ask me... first i say start approaching alotta girls
yes, that kind of shit is what has helped me so far. it is great advice, but thinking of myself as good with people wont make me suddenly have social skills. believe me lol. definitely not writing a story.. just having difficulties expressing my thoughts lol. see i want to do that. i would love it to do that. but the problem isnt that i dont have the courage.. thats something i can conquer. unfortunately i cant just suddenly have the knowledge of what it is that people actually do... i suppose it is similar to what Georges Alias said.. im struggling being a social human being. its the activities themselves.. aswell as understanding what it is people in general like to do.. im happy just sitting down and listening to music for hours.. i guess i just dont understand people, and i would like to.
All your negative experiences should give you the drive to conquer this social fear and if it doesnt then maybe you need to try and fail more and more until you do.
OP, why dont you just be happy the way you are. Im exactly like you down to a tee, but ive just accepted it. Im not the guy to get girls or randomly go out and talk to an attractive girl. I never had a gf, but i accept it. Im not a social human being and thats fine
I would agree with you, but he's unhappy the way he is. If change made him even unhappier then yeah he should change back. if you spend your whole life just settling then you'll miss out on a lot
Liquor may be your friend,find a social gathering and see how you act while drunk,not wasted but just drink a lil bit.Eventually you wont really need to drink and you will at least be more comfortable around people.I used to be kind of like you when I was younger,but I started smoking and drinking and it helped me socially.I still aint exactly where I want to be,but that is mostly due to me not being able to trust people,something I still am working on.
My power move at social parties is to drink way too much, fall into a corner, vomit on myself, and then yell *voice cracking* "ANNNYBODY WANNNA FUUUUUUUUK?"
What you're asking is how to play classical violin. No one can tell you how to play it, you just gotta start doing it and you'll get better. My advice, which is how I've gotten to where I am socially, is just to talk to anyone and everyone. Now I know you're worried about it, so talk to complete strangers. It isnt out of the ordinary to say "hey how's it going" to a stranger, usually they'll reply and ask you the same. Just take an interest and act like you're investigating them. Be curious about others. Early interactions will suck, but you'll get better and more comfortable by purposely stepping out of your comfort zone. Another thing is eye contact. Wanna know why it's so awkward to look a stranger in the eyes? Cause it's powerful. It shows confidence. If that's what you're lacking, fake it. Challenge yourself to look at others and make them look away first, don't give in. If you don't know them who cares, it's just practice. Once you get better, stop staring everyone down So- start playing that violin!
just came up with a thank you post then accidentally deleted it. anyways i was looking for advice like this. thank you very much for it. ive been building confidence for a while now, but the eye contact is something ive had problems with. i definitely think i have to just start conversations. if theyre awkward, theyre awkward. there is nothing i can do about that besides learn how to make it more comfortable for everybody involved.
Broses, in addition/compliment to the other wise words, 1) ya gotta either have or fake confidence (aided by fixing your posture, shoulders square, eyes up. you'l feel a little more juiced), 2) you gotta be clean and dress decently (Sharp Clothes, +5 charm), and 3) say things you'd think James Bond or Brad Pitt would say. Just pretend/act what doesn't come naturally. Sample Situation: Broses: [walks into wherever broses goes. Grocery store. Cute girl at checkout. Eye contact] Checkout Girl: Hi, did you find everything alright? Broses: [smiles] yes I did, thank you [said calmly, almost bemused]. CG: Good! B: [thoughtful pause] So how's your night/afternoon/morning going? [said offhandedly] CG: oh, it's going fine...1 more hour 'til I'm off! B: Ooh, nice. Fun plans? CG: [blah blah blah]! B: Oh [blah blah blah]? Should be fun! CG: Yeah I'm looking forward to it! B: Good... yeah I've... [short sentence explaining/making up what you're doing later. Ex ...got a friend coming over later, there's this band in town we're going to see] CG: Alright, sounds like fun! So it comes out tooo... $34.76. B: [it's at this point that you whip out your dick] you'll know you're winning if you're getting a lot of eye contact and smiles.
I don't know if anyone has recommended this yet, but you should definitely pick up some outdoor hobbies. Maybe rock climbing or biking. Skiing, snowboarding or skateboarding. Whatever it is, it's common ground with some people. Plus it demonstrates that you are an active individual who is not a couch potato.
Just remember that people's reactions to you are most likely to be positive or at least benign than negative. It takes more energy to be negative to someone. And remember a lot of what you may perceive as negative feedback may just be benign or normal stuff. People with social anxiety will find fault with completely normal stuff they did. They'll perceive anything going wrong in a social situation as their fault. You know how you get when you're drunk, that I don't give a fuck attitude? Take that, but not to such an extreme.
lol im pretty sure that people can tell im not a couch potato as is. my job up until friday was working on a farm, doing backbreaking work. im very tanned, and fairly fit. when it comes to the outdoors.. i love hiking, and gardening. infact im hoping to eventually save up to buy my own land and start my own market farm.
Don't take up farming man, there's no money in it unless you farm like 10,000 acres. It's good that you're tanned and fit though, that's a big plus.