Tazer Stupidity

Discussion in 'Grasscity Forum Humor' started by Llamamontana, Nov 22, 2011.


    Just try reading this without laughing until you pee!

    POCKET Tazer STUN GUN, a great gift for the wife.

    Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.The occasion was our 33d wedding anniversary and I
    was looking for a little something extra for my wife Nancy. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.
    The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affects on your assailant,allowing her adequate time
    to retreat to safety...WAY TO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn
    thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was dissapppointed. I learned however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal
    surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
    Unfortunately I have yet to explain to Nancy what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple A batteries, right?
    There I sat in my recliner, my dog Jewels looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking I
    really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Jewels (for a fraction of
    a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet dog.. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
    against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised...Am I wrong?
    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a T shirt with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
    hand, and tazer in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
    supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
    the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be a waste of batteries.
    All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inches in circumference; pretty cute really and
    (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself,'no possible way! What happened next is almost beyond description, but
    I'll do my best..
    I'm sitting there alone, Jewels looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say 'don't do it dip-shit,' reasoning that a one second
    burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I
    touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...HOLY MOTHER OF GOD..WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION...WHAT THE HELL!!! I'm pretty
    sure Jessie Ventura ran through the side door, picked me up in the recliner,then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over again.
    I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
    to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.The dog was making yowling sound that I
    had never heard before,shivering from the top of the coffee table, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all
    over the living room..
    Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer,one note of caution:there is no such thing as a one second burst when you
    zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor...A three
    second burst would be conservative!
    A minute or so later(I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits(what little I had left),sat up and
    surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the kitchen counter. My recliner was upside down and about 8 feet from where it
    originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with novacaine, and my
    bottom lip weighed 88 lbs..I had no control over the drooling.
    Apparently I pooped myself but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint wisp of smoke above my head
    which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return

    P.s..My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
    If you think education is difficult,try being stupid!!!!

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