Symphony of Science

WARNING: heavy post detailing events around a suicide attempt. i hope this level of detail can shake anyone reading this that can't seem to get help despite knowing they need it. please no hate from anyone that for whatever reason doesn't believe mental illness exists. OP if you start to read this, you damn better finish it for your sake.

I'm quite similar. Will finish microbiology undergrad in december. history of depression beginning at 14. not treated with medication d/t seeing my mother and brother on them until my 2nd attempt, 1st very real should be dead attempt Oct 2009.

ill go ahead and say that of 2psychiatrists, 2psychologists, and my personal physician ive had 3 diagnoses. bipolar type1 with psychotic feature, schizoaffective [bipolar with some schizo feature], and recurrent major depression. I'm telling you this ahead because I ignored/missed so very many vital signs of what was to come... including a published work my professor was helpin me with about reaching an impass between returning to faith and support or end with ODing. I did. This is a general timeline that followed

major depression returns... had only been minor in recent years. in a new city for college... i see Uni resident psychiatrist that dx bipolar type1. i sorta blow this off a lil pissed not thinkin thats right. later i recieved schizoaffectie and regular recurrent major depression... they can't decide and i don't care about the label because no mental difficulties can be explained in a single word. psychology by nature is grey matter.. and literally

oct 2009. at this point i had begun using cough syrup, dxm, not so much to get high but just to dissociate and not feel. my worst symptom then [and still to a lesser extent] is the inability to stop thought. not to be rude, but to majority of people reading this believing they can't slow down their mind... this was severe enough that i was becoming delusional and tried to off myself twice in a 6month time. as you would expect, use turned to abuse. i lost the mythical trip aspect at this point already... i did it not to feel good, but to not feel bad. family doctor tries me on zoloft instead of the extreme lithium for bipolar... [later i remember the first doc sayin if i really have bipolar then an ssri is gona send me into a full blown mixed episode possibly psychotic.. it did.] one night without dxm.. just taking my usual ambien [on/off for 4yrs] again, mind won't stop. from there it's spotty......

midnight. ambien not workin, can't sleep, startin to bug out. ambien walrus decides i should cut up the boxes from moving in and get the markers out and draw [i saved both pieces... one now has my hospital wristband tacked to it hidden away from my view]. begins midnight, found next day just after noon. parents called, mom said i answered but was talkin to someone else in the room like i was having a huge party... it's around noon... dad calls, knew i was ODing by the sound [think fear and loathing]. zero memory from start to found.

first memory i have... apartment manager standing in my doorway and its bright out.. i didn't let her in, didn't know if she was really even there.. she looked scared.. i vaguely remember my emotion at that very moment.. i was intensely stimulated, probably bug eyed, but felt like a stereotypical/movie psychotic nutcase.

next memory, no idea how much time had passed. EMTs and police walkin in. im standin there in boxers tryin to help them... acting the most coherent possible... told them yes, ive taken a lot of pills but i dont know where bottles are but i told them what pills they were. didnt matter they confirmed it. police leave as these were all legal prescriptions. get jeans on but dont get shirt. helped to ambulance. last of memory laying down being strapped in again tellin EMT what i took even though they had the empty bottles. will explain lower.

next memory is ~4hrs later in hospital. parents there. still completely delusional. i think they're a young sick girl and her mother playing cards in area to my left... like the sheet was pulled open to see the next room. its actually a blank wall. im smiling tellin them i love this song... my parents were the best... rather than angry or sobbing... calmly dad asks what song... its pink floyd wish you were here... he tells me its not actually there.

next memory getting out of vehicle at apartment complex with them at night. i run over to the bed of my truck having saw a black cat jump in the back of my truck. im searching around but can't find it. dad calls me over. delusions are now becoming hallucinations i.e. i understand it's the drug now.. this whole time ive been delusional not understandin my reality is false and drugged despite telling EMTs i ODed... rest of night im watching ceiling texture of ants crawl around... im beyond emotionally flat. just there. thinkin just enough to know what has happened in the past 24hrs.

next day packing sh!t to leave that city immediately.. i had to go back to finish classes though, but with mother on doctors orders. so that morning after all the events.. im sittin with my mom on the balcony.. no chairs.. smoking a cig with her still wearing hospital wristband and socks. she shows me a copy of the admission papers which shows what was taken and has a note written in the blank area in large red ink reading SHOULD BE DOA with should underlined. the amounts are approximate based on what pills were missing and where at in the month my pill amount should be.

~20ambien don't rmember size, thik 5mg
~10xanax 1mg
~nearly full bottle of zoloft [should have caused serotonin syndrome]
~full 32 pack of just purchased benadryl d/t allergies bothering me
*dxm was not involved in this night
*just remembered i do recall midnight/1am.. bc im already drugged on ambien.. idk why.. i crushed and snorted some ambien.. i never snort anything ever. i assume my mind on autopilot dealing with a mixed episode including psychotic feature decided to go ahead and kill myself.

alright... the next six months im doing counseling and trying out antipsychotic drugs and all that... effexor made vision, hearing, and thought all very hazy. seroquel made me gain 40lbs in 3months in addition to random full dissociation [just like what dxm did... NOT sayin dxm is good in high doses long term]. finally got on the right one... regular old wellbutrin being used for [in my mind] bipolar depression.. but who knows until a scientific diagnosis is developed [btw, if psychology/genetics are actually linked.. recent finding of a single nucletide polymorphism of 5HT2x class... the ones serotonin, psilocybin, DMT all work on]. did a lot of counseling. march/april i had another OD attempt, but i have ZERO memory surround it.. tota amnesia. i don't remember taking anything or even being at the ER.. parents had to, again, experience this.... i can't imagine how they felt. during summer, left my girlfriend... i felt bad about that since she stuck with me through that.. but she was such a downer [also saw a counselor for depression] that we simply had to split.. it kept me from climbing my way out.

Today... year and a half later. I'm lookin at getin into a masters program for health policy.. studying 5HT2x receptors in my free time... planning to revisit safrole in relation to cancer in the fall if i can get it approved... purified some last week after reading of a very recent study showing ANTI-carcinogenic features in HUMAN CELL LINES, unlike that bullsh!t from the 50s using triple doses intervenously in MICE that got it banned... MDxx precursor is probably the real reason im sure. thinkin about proposing to the girl im with now. ive sorta figured out how to manage myself... wellbutrin 300mg/daily and light, daily if i can midgrade ganja. today, i know that what initialized this whole deal was long term high stress. i do better than usual under short term very high pressure.. but long term is begins breaking me down horribly. i don't touch most drugs at all now. stopped college drinking.. only sip if i hav one for taste now. a lil bit of my mushrooms which at 16yrs old i claimed to all that the helped bring me out of depression [and now they're studying it for the effects of relieving depression in terminal pts. and PTSD in soldiers returning from overseas]. im considering some DMT here soon. psychedelics make me feel better overall when im not under their influence... but dxm and other stuff that i haven't touched before.. i won't again and i never will. im back in church most sundays.. it was a short relief while i was experiencing the OD ordeal when i could actually get up to get there.

so that's it... doing great today, but im realistic about it... depression will probably come back eventually... hopefully if im married ill have someone that can recognize it before i take it serious... i say this because i still random 'off' days where i feel that same degree of depression. i hate those days and usually everyone leaves me to myself unless i want to talk. so i consider myself a survivor, and since then ive talked down several people from another forum at various times... feel free to PM. if anyone cares to read that short piece i wrote PM

btw, in HS i was the floater liked by all invited to all parties, though i was usually working. im considered very good looking and have made a lil over 5grand in freelance modeling partnered with a photog that was finding his way into the industry too. very few had the slightest inclination that i dealt with depression. its purely biological/psychological as i could write down a brief of my life at that time and it looked great.. just didn't feel that way.

hope this huge post didn't break any rules since im new to this forum

 

To be honest the video was a little off for me. But I agree where its coming from. Its too easy to go through life and see everything through one one window and just take what society throws at you. You have to ponder and question things.

 

I'm obsessed with these videos. Have all my friends hooked too. Since I've been listening to them I've been thinking so much about things and life in the broadest sense. I also have a history of depression and various other mental health issues. To think of the universe and "our place in the cosmos" really puts it into perspective. Little things can't bother you when you are focusing on the world in the most complex sense. It's so true that science makes you see the world differently!!

 

Hi,

The Symphony of Science is a music project created by Washington-based electronic musician John Boswell. The project seeks to "spread scientific knowledge and philosophy through musical remixes." Boswell uses pitch-corrected audio and video samples from television programs featuring popular scientists and educators. The audio and video clips are mixed into digital mashups and scored with Boswell's original compositions. Two of Boswell's music videos,