Suicide. (very, very long)

Discussion in 'Philosophy' started by F. Fontaine, Apr 3, 2009.

  1. #1 F. Fontaine, Apr 3, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2009
    I'm pretty high right now, but I've still been doing alot of thinking. It's been something that's been bothering me even in the midst of how happy I've been lately with spring approaching, my college decision secured, etc.

    This is probably the longest post I've written anywhere on the internet. I wanted to get your thoughts on the matter. I'm hoping you'll get a deeper appreciation of what I'm trying to express here.






    A person that I knew killed themselves about 3 months ago. He was experimenting with some weird shit, their parents were going through a messy divorce mixed in with an sexual affair on the mother's part. She was fucking this one guy who was a wealthy lawyer or businessman or some shit like that. His parents were always off at meetings trying to link up with another company or doing something with their company. They were always working or out with friends. The guy felt neglected. The only thing that made him feel good was drugs. He was a very, very, very introverted person.

    This guy was constantly getting teased throughout school, picked on by bullies because they thought he was gay due to the fact he was a virgin. He and his grandfather and I used to fish a lot. That was his best friend. He was strong as a bull, but last July, he just got really weak out of the blue and started to slowly start the process of dying.

    He died 8 months ago and I went to the funeral and the guy I knew was torn up.

    The guy later told me that he felt like he didn't have a future and he didn't have any place in this world. The guy wanted to be in the Peace Corps when he grew older. He eventually discovered China White Heroin and started to shoot that up alot, took alot of opiates, etc. He was in a very warped mindset every time I talked to him. It was like he was a shell of his former self. It was as if he was a styrofoam cup that was filled with juice, but now it was crushed and thrown to the dust of the floor to be trampled on.

    I knew this guy was really fucked up and I tried to talk to him and get some help but he basically said he was fine. I told him to stop the heroin and he eventually did. He still took a lot of pills. Every time I talked to him, he said he hated life. He said life was a burden, it was a bitch, etc. He was literally walking death. He wished he would get hit by a train every day or die or something bad would happen to him so he wouldn't have to kill himself.

    Even in the midst of the unnatural beauty and warmth of the summertime, he still was very morbid and sad.


    One time he tried to run in front of a car in the hopes that he would die. It ended up sending him to the hospital.


    His parents even though they were divorced thought he was fucked up and tried to ask him what was wrong. In short terms, he told them to fuck off and "continue with their bullshit illusions of a life full of hedonism."

    Eventually, he ended up pouring his heart and soul into one final magnum opus of a journal, a 150 page piece plus 2 supplement journals that he wrote in everyday. In these journals he gave every single reason why he hated life. He talked about his ups and many, many downs. He talked about his drug use and some pages are even incomprehensible in their language due to the fact that he was totally gone when he was writing. He even mentioned me some in that journal. Then, he wrote a 30 pager on why he was going to kill himself.


    It happened on a Saturday while his parents were out. Apparently, he set up everything tidy in his room, cleaned it, etc. Then he went into the bathroom and he wrote one final entry in the bathtub. This was his goodbye entry and how he would transcend the slime and filth of this world. He wanted peace. He was tired of being dependent on drugs and pills and heroin and all kinds of crazy shit. He was tried of being plugged in 24/7 to the internet, he was tired of this wired world.

    First, he tried OD'ing on pills, but he built up such a tolerance even 3 bottles wouldn't kill him. He eventually raided every cabinet in the house, crunched every pill, he wouldn't die. He wrote he was bleeding profusely out of his nose and how he felt so good, yet bad at the same time. After 2 hours of moaning in the tub while bleeding everywhere, he went to plan B and took one of his dad's guns that he left in his gun rack. I've seen it before and there's alot to choose from. Automatic assualt rifles, etc. But he took the type of shit they play Russian Roulette with. After summoning up the strength to pull the trigger, he eventually put the bullet in his head with his dad's revolver and blew his brains all over the fucking shower wall.



    It was a sad Monday. The air felt sucked out the school. It was a terrible week. People at eventually realized they missed him and there was a funeral held for him. The people that teased him and busted his nuts everyday felt so bad they wanted to kill themselves. His parents were devastated.

    I wasn't shocked or surprised at all. I sensed this was coming. There was nothing I could have done for him except hang out with him which I tried to do, but he rejected me numerous times after his granddaddy died. His parents eventually gave all of his journals to me due to the fact that I was his closest "friend" and I just finished reading them all last week. I felt so dirty and fucked up after reading all of the stuff this guy went through. His journals were like a stream-of-consciousness thing. You could differentiate the mind-warped entries from the ones he just did on a whim. I felt like I needed to be cleansed by Holy Water, I felt so dirty after reading it. It did have alot of happy moments, but some very, very fucked up ones. However, it was enlightening. I got a new view on life, albeit a one fucked up by constant drug use.



    I was thinking:

    Does it take a lot of balls to kill one's self? I mean sometimes people associate suicide with the "easy way out", but the taking of one's life can scare some people shitless. I mean, I can see the logic of the "easy way out", but if one believes in an afterlife especially one of a Christian world-view, then it certainly is not the easy way out.

    People condemn suicide as a terrible exercise. I mean, it is pretty bad when someone kills themselves, it certainly doesn't bring their immediate family any relief, but it is their own life. They control what they do with their life. They are free to do with their actions as they please. It just happens that people are affected when the guy kills himself.

    You can exit a relationship, you can quit a job, why when you decide to kill yourself, people think of it as a big deal? What if this person has no relatives, no friends, will it matter then? They even make suicide a crime. What is that?

    I no doubt thought this guy killing himself was terrible, but I then started to think. This guy was a Christian, but then he turned Atheist because he believed God abandoned him. Therefore, he didn't believe in heaven or hell, just extinguishment. He believed he didn't have any friends, he believed his parents didn't give two shits, and his mind was completely separate from his body half of the time. So he found the perfect reason to kill himself. He actually believed in reincarnation and hoped that by killing himself he would come back as a human in a more loving situation.


    What if religion is all bullshit and there isn't a God? What if religion is actually saying some real shit and there is a God?


    Is there a legitimate reason to kill one's self?



    Yeah, these are just musings I had. I'm just thinking too much while high that's all.


    I will say one thing. I do envy the guy. He knows what's on the other side of the jump if he is a thinking entity at all. He knows if it's heaven and hell, he knows if it's nothingness/extinguishment, he knows if it's pure nirvana.

    He wanted peace, and that's what he got.

    He knows what's up while we tiny humans are squabbling over some dumb shit like who has the flyest clothes, the hottest girlfriend, the coolest car.
     
  2. That's heavy.

    I've been down, but I could always find a reason to continue living.

    That really sucks.

    It makes me want to treat everyone I know, even strangers, better.
     
  3. Hey there, I am glad that you tried to be there for your friend in those times, and it does suck when someone is going through times like those. I attempted suicide twice when I was in my teens, and it was hard hard times. in my opinion if suicide could be justified I would say that people with terminal illness and may die soon due to the illness I could understand, Kinda like euthanasia (spelling?) in animals. I think at times it would be beneficial for a person to be able to end the physical suffering. But in times when you are depressed there is a way out, I believe when we die, we die, just like everything else in the world. When I got the help I needed when I was in a bad place I was able to get out of my depression. The mind is a crazy thing, it can take us to dark places. But there is so much controversy about taking people off of like support if something happenend to them that they are a vegetable and cannot even breathe on their own. But I do think euthanasia for humans would be a good thing! Under certain circumstances. But if someone feels that their life sucks and shitty things happen to them all the time, there are many places to get help and change. But then again I dont know everything :)
     
  4. Im so sorry man

    sounds like your friend was a good kid, just in a bad situation

    here to you guys man, im going to burn a bowl for him, his grandfather, and you.

    to your friend,

    rest in paradise man, you are missed here, but we know that you are now content

    the world is not always pretty, the world is not always fair, you showed us the value of life, and that was your cross to bear

    sometimes what we think matters most, does not entirely count
    because when the chips are down, and the clock is ticking, we know your guidance will be found

    i know that you are peaceful, no longer suffering from the world's endless need
    you were mother earth's blessing, her individual child, like the animals, sea, and weed.
     
  5. The end of my post was a poem i wrote after reading your friends tragic story.

    hopefully, it will make someone a little more content with life
    and if there is a heaven, nirvana, or any afterlife
    i hope your friend sees it
     
  6. OP: Your post is a stream-of-consciousness, so I will follow suit.

    Suicide is among the most touchy subjects. I would be lying if I said I had firm opinions on the matter. I simultaneously respect and abhor it. Sometimes I find the world, and consequently the life we experience, to be pointless, horrible, and wildly insane. Other times I find the world a decent, tolerable place worth living in because it's the only one we have.

    I have thought about suicide more than my share for various reasons, chief among them that people are irrational. Perhaps that may sound petty, childish, or selfish. Yes, perhaps. I hate that our species thinks of itself as infinitely superior to other species, or that we accept weak explanations over no explanations, or that we do things that we know are wrong or harmful. Writer Paul Fussell put it well when he said that there is a difference between bad and BAD, which is to say that there is merely stupid or useless, and there is being those traits while also touting them as good or useful. That is us in a nutshell: we often know what is wrong or bad or evil -- or at the very least we are capable of finding the truth of the matter -- and yet we as a species continue to do these things as if they were good or useful or correct. And yet we are The Chosen by god, and we are the "rational" animal, and we are the greatest things ever. Can we really stand to live in that sort of world?

    Well, it is our only world. We can't move to Jupiter, or Dimension X, or the Garden of Eden on just a whim. Shall we just make do?

    Also, it occured to me only weeks ago that suicide is selfish in that when we pull the trigger and go to sleep, there remains those on Earth that have their lives thrown into the shredder as a result. It would be enormously selfish to commit suicide. While you fade to black, others merely tint black for long periods of time as they deal with the aftermath. For this to occur to me only recently shows my own selfishness. I'm sure others can see themselves in a similar light.

    However, that accounts only for those who are loved. What about those who are unloved? Am I naive to say that there are some out there who are wholly unloved? that have no one that truly cares for them? I do think they exist. Should these people be obliged to move on with life, to continue trying to love and be loved in order to live a life worth living? Or should they be forgiven if they choose to end this life? Suck it up and drive on, or end the painful life now so as to not continue suffering?

    I find many of the arguments for "making every moment count" (as some say... you get my meaning) are also unintentionally for suicide. If life is so short, then why lament on cutting it short intentionally? Is thirty years out of infinity different than seventy years? If life is to be lived because of some uncertain but findable purpose, does that mean that those who find no purpose should end their lives? Is it a fool's errand, to always be patronized and be told to keep looking for a purpose? Are we really to grow old and finally find purpose? Is it a coincidence that we entertain the idea that we'll find purpose and meaning and happiness when we grow old, wiser after the years? I find this foolish. We are now, and we will always be now. The past was now, and the future will be now. So now is now, always. Essentially, as I hinted at earlier, people need to shut up as they only make themselves look foolish when they speak, as they think themselves wise. Am I any different? I would be foolish to think so. I too am an idiot, like the rest of our species, always doing wrong and thinking I'm doing right.

    --

    I think I've found reasons to live. Are we as a whole compelled to find reasons for individuals to keep on truckin'? I'm unsure. I end now with a cliche about suicide: it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Exactly what "permanent" and "temporary" mean is not quite something I understand.

    I wish I had a better response.
     
  7. your friends passing was probably for the best. sounds like he had a very poor psychology and there was not much anyone could do for him. You can't help someone unless they want to be helped.

    I was thinking.

    isn't it selfish for families to keep a loved one on this earth; to continue to suffer so they can have peace of mind?


    I want to know what you guys think.
     
  8. #8 NFloyd2357, Apr 3, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2009
    thats quite a sad story... well-written but i feel insensitive for picking up on your writing skills first and foremost lol... can't help it. I'm a writer.

    Personally - I've been so depressed before where i wanted nothing more than to die, but killing myself has never seemed like an option. I'm not religious in the sense of orthodox religion, but i am spiritual - I don't know, something inside me tells me how wrong it would be to take my own life. And yea, it deffinitely takes balls to kill yourself - I'm not afraid of death in the least, but even during the deepest pits of my depression, where im struggling with severe anxiety, depression and physical pain from my anxiety induced IBS, I could still never bring myself to kill myself, ever. It has nothing to do with fear of death, or fear of what happens right before it, or the method of suicide (hell my best friend works at a funeral home - he's told me the "best" ways to kill oneself lol) I can recall sitting on the toilet with a stomach-full of fiery-pain numerous times, muttering to myself "I just wish i was dead," but i've learned that those moments pass. At the moment, i still go through periods where i can't see the point in living, and at the moment, I'm not sure there is a point in living - but the only other alternative isn't something I could ever bring myself to. I think about my family, my friends, all those that would be crushed. Maybe i would be gone - maybe my spirit would die out, and i'd never know the pain i caused... but i guess i'm a martyr, i suffer everyday in order to help out any and everyone i encounter. Maybe thats the point in living, at least for me.

    [edit] Wo0T! My 2000th post!!!!!!!!!!!! further verification of my philosophy and life purpose lol
     
  9. Suicide is very interesting as it completely overrides the self-preservation instinct. If I ever became truly suicidal I would just do drugs 24/7. I assume that's what a lot of people choose over suicide after losing hope. I know this sounds cliché, but in the end it's all about love.
     
  10. I'm really sorry for that. I don't know if he knew "what was up" per se, but he definitely knew what mattered and what didn't. I've definitely had some low points in life... thought about suicide and drunkenly attempted at a very young age... but the thing that I would always come back to was how awful my parents would feel. Regardless of how sucked up a parent is in work, divorce, petty material bullshit, that has to be the most terrible thing they could ever be put through... finding their child's body? FUCK that. That makes me so sad.
     

  11. Maybe, but they wouldn't know if that person was suicidal or not. It's not selfish, because they want their best interest, but that person also thinks that they're acting in their best interest.
     

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