Stream of consciousness

I had this same idea... same title and everything... yours will probably go unnoticed too...

http://forum.grasscity.com/philosophy/393645-stream-consciousness-consciousness.html

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIANchfl7Z8[/ame]

 

What do I write. no idea. fuck it, maybe ill write perverted thoughts about my mom. now that would be fucked up haha

ok seriously, hmm. back to that fucked up idea. gay people. not into that shit. WHY would someone suck a dong? ridiculous

man, i can only imagine what people on GC are gonna think when they read this shit haha. am i twisted or what?

audio, music. we are music. in a strange way i think that's true. the orchestra of life is like a song. multitudes of elements, particles, cells, neurochemicals, blood pumping in rythm, brings about a song made from untold elements. waves of motion forming together to create a unique pattern. an image of something that when taken as a whole makes sense, while each individual part is itself an orchestra of elements, yet seemingly pointless without being associated with the entire system. it depends on perspective really. you can go deep into it in your minds eye. youll see different systems at different levels. subatomic, micro, macro. each layer is a new orchestra of activity giving rise to a unique piece of music.

is there any point in describing it that way? it feels nice, but is it any better than talking about it in terms of biochemistry, or electricity? it seems to make it simpler, more intuitive in a sense. like you can feel it, but without the chemistry, without the science, you can't describe it. you can't explain the entire puzzle as if it's a puzzle. something largely coherent and made of seemingly disjointed pieces. where am I going with this?

I want to remove the first things I wrote. they're disturbing to me. I fear being judged. But if I removed it, it would be dishonest. it would go against the spirit of this thread. i guess it's not that bad, in a way. we all have things that bother us. recurring nightmares or what-have you. i know why i think stuff like that. i've had so many horrible experiences with my mom, being insulted and abused on a deep emotional level. too fucking bad. So you were raised Mormon and it's a fucked up religion and yadda yadda. think of something interesting. think of something someone would want to read.

post this already.

why? im enjoying this. werd. lol. ok now it's gonna start degenerating. sigh. im tired. tired of being broke and feeling alone. tired of a lot of things. it depends on the moment though. i ran for a few miles earlier today. best run i've had ina long time. i think because i started swimming. just running and cycling were causing me to overuse certain parts of my body. the body needs balance to stay stable, and i was causing instability

control systems

the body is a control system

Dr. Zoghi, control systems class. Is the body a control system? I suppose you could say that. that it's the most sophisticated control system on the planet. he said that, and I think that's true on a certain level. i hate that guy though. well, not really. he just really pissed me off. i shouldn't leave his name on here. dont know if i can keep writing, this is getting very personal. i should at least post what i've got

control systems. i'd like to learn about them some more. and systems thinking. i love the entire concept of systems thinking. it can make the most incredibly complicated things simple. by breaking them down into a managable parts. it has a genius sort of elegance to it. just how fucking long am i gonna keep writing and expect someone to read this shit?

 

The End ...... nope Im still stuck in it!

 

some people think i mess with them. they think they see me a certain way, they get an idea in their head about who i am, and when they're sure, i do something, or say something, or don't do something or say something, which makes them change their mind. They doubt themselves because they were so sure they were seeing me right, that when this happens, it causes something to change. the way you saw me, had seen me, no longer makes sense, how you see me now feels like it must be the truth for sure. it is heavier, realer, more certain, more knowing, but yet, still a reaction to having this experience. This effects people in different ways, but what tends to happen is the way our relationship has been until then, changes.

so, what if you see me a certain way, a way that i'm unable to be all the time? either i have to be that all the time, or something has to be changed, so that i don't have to face the fact that this is what is happening..

you see, i feel i'm becoming something else, become something else, am something else, at different times, in different ways, to different people, but unless i show you all of me, at all times, i won't get to be who i really am, and neither will i get to know you.

why does it matter? i could say because who i am matters. but i'm not sure who i am matters at all. what i say matters, that matters a lot, to me at least, but it's not always the same me saying it. sometimes i feel what i say comes from a bigger me, other times i'm much smaller and am as much like anyone else. Living a simple life, working each day, having what I need or think I need around me, doing what I love whenever I have the chance to do so, learning to find ways to love whatever I see that i feel i can.


you have to see me as you see me. i can only say the words.

i am not to be seen the way some would see me.

but i cannot see myself that way either.

for if i look at myself through your eyes

what i see is not who i think i am.

and how can i not be who i am

for it is me.



i always stand in front of you

even when i am not there

but who are you?

who are you that looks at me?

should you ever be able to see

what it is you think you see?

should you not just be

who you are too?


who are we then?

are we not who we're supposed to be?


this is all so esoteric

when i experience the altered state

this is what comes out

i say it, see it, spell it, differently

and i might make you think i'm something i am not

at least whatever it is you decide i am

because you cannot decide it really

for once you do, then i can no longer be it

some mental image that must be fulfilled

for i am me and always will be

but only me



you see me if you can

i see me as i am

but i am not the same

although i am



so how to be the one

you see me as

without having to decide

and am who i am



but who am i really?

why don't i use all the words

i want to tell you

to shake you by the hand

to tell you that i see you

for who you really are

we can know each other

in ways we have no right to

and how can this not become

something more than it already is?



this is just a poem

using many words

it contains the truth

of that i'm sure

but not all of it

i was once asked who i was

accused of being him

i didn't answer well

nothing real to tell

but i could've said it differently

of that there is no doubt

what words came out

did not reflect the truth

my ego cannot take

itself along

this ride it cannot come

it wants to feel

what it knows is there

but in order to do so

it has to change, be different

for it is just an ego

like we all have

soft and vulnerable

without the armour





Just because you know

you know you don't know

and if you don't know

then what can you know you know.

sometimes i think you know

and i know you know i know

but you and i can't know

for that means i won't know

that what I thought i knew

was not what i now know

you know?



some call it chosen

i call it choosing

may have been chosen

still have to choose it



working with him

as he opens the door

letting him through

as i grow and see more

needing him there

to reveal what i see

without being present

all their is is just me



whatever i see and whatever i say

is really not me

just my take on the way



time to talk plainly



if i was to be

the one choosing to sing

the one revealing these words

the one needing to bring

myself to the front

so that i can but make

each of you see

that we're making a cake

each part goes together

without it no cake

i can't just do this for me

i can't sit here and take

the credit for this

even though i can bake

i am the fingers

he makes the cake



this is me revealing myself, without reflecting you back, without needing to love you specifically.

when i know what you need

when you reveal yourself clear

from the stillness out comes the words

to tell you what is

or what it should be

you might not hear

the words as i say them

but say them i must

and hear them you should

if you're listening that is

but not everyone does

they think they know things

and that gets in the way

of what can come out

there's no need to shout

for nothing can be said to those who aren't listening.



my mind likes to speak

things out in this way

it makes sense when i do at the time

it tells things that are

the way they must be

without saying things

as they must be.



who is he that says things in my name?

for he cannot represent me

he cannot speak for me

and yet he's giving it a good go



i cannot be him

for how can i be

something that doesn't exist

the moment i think

i know who this is

it's gone

and i'm left holding an empty crown



i once said that he'd have to come

if he was there

for i couldn't be him without him



i opened the door and saw him come in

he said he was coming to stay

he walked with me from

that moment on

and you saw him

but he still looked like me



which is confusing of course

because we look the same

me him, him me, me him

but how i look out

and what i see once i'm there

him me, me him, him me



so what have you seen

now you know me a bit

what manner of man must I be

is he this is he that

only you can decide

but be careful

what you see may set him free.



to remove the cover

and be myself

without needing to feel that i can't

do whatever

is needed to do

to bring the truth into the light



an urge to reveal

things that change things

and urge to be more than i am

an urge to reveal more about me

a need to become me the man



so the pot that is empty is waiting

for the new to be filled to the top

and as long as it's all in there waiting

there's no reason for it to be stopped

it must come as it does

in whatever way makes sense

bringing me as it does as it goes

all that matters is that i must make it

through to being the one wearing the clothes

 

I feel its presence, sometimes. in the wind, in my soul. sometimes vicariously.

I open my self in order to receive but at least until now I close the door. I try to approach directly what was there but I find I cannot for it is no longer here.

It's only in the moment that I can see what I see, cannot hold on to what is no more to be seen.

It all makes so much sense but when I try to grab, it slips through my hands.

There is no holding that which cannot be held, for it is always there, not where it once was.

I feel it must be as it is, revealed unto me. What's left to achieve is that which I am to receive.

Don't look at it directly, just take it as there.

 

failing to be one, recognizing duality...

 

a constant journey of temptations

deception and redemption

we are all on

to serve or be served