Discussion in 'The Artist's Corner' started by smilingslowly, May 13, 2011.

  1. This is the first bit of something I started writing recently. I envision developing this into a novel type piece. Your criticism (constructive) is greatly welcome.

    The blood was dried into the grout of the tile beneath Arthur Wontard's body. Arthur had stopped bleeding not because his wound had been plugged, but because he had simply run out of the stuff. Blood had circulated through the body for twenty-two years, waiting. Round and round, through the heart, down to the toes, through the heart, into the brain; searching. In this way, a part of Arthur was happy. His blood had found the exit for which it had been looking, as had the man himself.

    A slice through Arthur's jugular had given most of his blood a chance to bathe in the open air and windowless solitude of his former apartment. Without a carrier the blood was in limbo. Without this blood the body could not breathe. And without this body the man was gone. The soul formerly known as Arthur Wontard had no choice but to rest; to linger in limbo. To wait for the agents of decomposition to bring it back to life again.

    For now the entity moved through limbo, reacting to the newfound freedom the way a bird's detached feather might react to a breeze: It succumbed. Without life the soul was unaware of the wind's force. And yet, like the feather, it reacted quickly to nature's demands. Speeding quickly with a downdraft, hovering defiantly, swaying to the left, gyrating erratically, trying its' weight on each new plane, yet falling all the while. Like the bird's lost feather, Arthur was humankind's lost soul, existing simultaneously at both the beginning and the end.
    The living Arthur often thought about death. When the idea entered his mind he seldom fought it; he enjoyed letting the mystery take hold of his mind. One thing he was quite sure of was that the place and time of his death would be of little importance. Arthur trusted that the forces of nature would lead the elements of his body to their proper place.
  2. don't quit your day job!
  3. obviously I'm not a professional writer if I'm posting a story on here for criticism. It's a hobby and I wanted some real feedback. The least you could've done is passed the thread by if you're not going to give me anything of value. You won't last long here if you keep up with worthless posts like that.

    Again, I don't care if you don't like it, but you gave me absolutely nothing to work with.
  4. #4 Oblivion420, May 15, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: May 15, 2011
    Forget him, unfortunately, trolls are everywhere.

    But the story was actually not bad.

    I did get lost at some parts. I would say describe Arthur more, how he was laying, a little more about the blood.

    Other than that, it was a nice read. I'd +rep if I could -_-

    EDIT: read through again, it's really good. I just feel though it's missing something.
  5. Its not bad, but it seems like you're trying too hard. Smaller words can hold just as much power as large words and metaphors if used correctly, and still keep your reader interested. Over using metaphors can lead to redundancy and bore the reader. I understand you want to add length to your book but you probably could have written that into 2 paragraphs and still hold the reader's attention.

    Keep at it! :smoke:
  6. thank you for the feedback!
    to put it more in context, the is the introduction to a murder mystery. Your feedback was especially helpful Scroggs because it made me realize I need to intersperse the metaphorical passages with literal and descriptive passages.

    I really appreciate it, and I may post again with this passage revised.

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