Something that I wrote today, Feedback appreciated

Discussion in 'The Artist's Corner' started by Stoogemeister, Sep 21, 2009.

  1. Please read the whole thing if you feel the need, the start of the third paragraph and onward is the most important.

    It was hot, very hot. Well into the triple digits. Not unusual for a July day in Arizona. The newly laid asphalt gave off a horrendous odor and stuck to my boots with every step. The terrain outlying the road was rocky and bumpy, making tramping that much harder. I was forced to endure the smell and the constant sticking goo.

    For miles in all directions I could see nothing but barren, rocky desert with steep mountains in the background and the asphalt strip running north. Occasionally a car would fly past, though more often truckers. None of them payed any attention to me much less my outstretched thumb. That didn't matter much to me. I almost preferred to tough it out and walk. Makes reaching the destination so much more rewarding.
    A change had been made in my life. My way of thinking, speaking, and living had been completely altered.

    It was the first time I had lived off the grid, outside of the concrete grids that amassed cities and suburbs around the world. I remember thinking when I was young, how could man have gone through so much evolutionary riff raff over billions and billions of years, only to put on a suit every day and sit in a cubicle. Granted, there are many options to do what you want with your life, work a job you love and get payed. But you see I think there is more to this life than making money. In fact I think the whole idea of money making is a concept that has evolved over a long period of time so that people can continue to consume more and more.

    People buy all sorts of thing. Some they need like food, water, shelter. Most they do not, colossal homes with all sorts of decorations and modern day luxuries. Television, radio, cell phone, computer, microwave, car, jewelry. All of these things bought with money. Money accumulated through time, and effort. That is time and effort, wasted completely, on temporary comfort. Most people will buy something, to be entertained with it for however long, only to discard it and allow money to buy something that will hold their attention yet again as time goes buy.

    We live a short existence on this planet, it is ours for the taking. Human beings are no different that any other beings. We are far more intelligent than most yes, yet we fail to use that superior intellect in a suitable manner. War, drugs, material possessions. We just create more things, good or bad, so that people can buy them and someone else will get rich in the process. People run around aimlessly like mice in a cage looking for something. And instead of looking deeper, they fill the gap with things. Things, things, things, things, things. I was born into this life with things. Things to keep me occupied, entertained, happy. They were all fake, not in purpose but in the way they achieved that purpose. It is a destructive cycle that holds people by the teeth.

    The only real source of awe, and beauty on an epic scale is right below your feet. Its just a matter of realizing ones self-purpose on this Earth. We live on a very unique planet, to simply pave over it with concrete and brick is simply maddening. The Earth is real, this society, these suburbs and cities. Are physically real, but are simply cogs to a machine that shield people from the natural world.
  2. I like it man, the first two paragraphs reminded me of "Into the Wild" the rest reminded me of a Thoreau or Emerson like view.

    If you want me to be real picky some of the wording could be revamped (for instance in the third to last sentence you use simply twice) also some of your sentences are a little truncated or choppy.

    All in all I think it is very well done and I give props to anyone that will post their works on the internet for any and all to scrutinize. Keep writing man, its a great thing.


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