Well, you guys are about the closest thing to friends that I have so I thought I would share this with you. And since no one here knows who I am, I don't have to worry about repercussions or interference of any kind. I require feedback. If you take the time to read this thank you for your consideration. I'm starting to get older now, and have recently come to the realization that I have spent most of my life trying very hard to keep from forming any type of real bonds with other humans, and now I look around and realize how successful I have been at that. I have chased off everyone who has ever loved me with my bullshit, my anger. Women only want me to fuck them, other than that they want nothing to do with me. And that was cool for a while... that's what I wanted after all, right? But one-nighters with beautiful, air-headed 19 year olds does get old after a while, believe it or not. Plus there is the whole std thing. Every new chick I bang, immediately after having sex I always ask myself, "Is this the nasty bitch that's gonna give my the herps, or warts, or any of that other shit!!?" Condoms aren't 100%. That shit is a fucking gamble every time! And I don't even enjoy it any more. In fact I find no pleasure in my life whatsoever. I used to want things, have ambitions... Money, women, success, social status. None of it means anything to me anymore. The only thing I have left is to plan out how I want it to end, and what I'll leave behind. I'm like a dying animal that the others leave alone because they can sense that it is sick and they don't want to come near. And they're right to do so. I have been thinking about killing myself for a long time. And it's not really a big dramatic thing to me, its just something that I've felt compelled to do for a very long time. But how can I do that to my mother? I have been thinking of ways to do it so that it wont look like I just copped out and killed myself. I think I am going to go over for a tour of duty. A lot of things happen over there that don't get reported the way that they really happen...either that or get really high and drunk and ride my bike into a cement wall at 180+. If anyone has any thoughts, ideas, input, it is appreciated. This will be the only time I discuss this with anyone.