Social Anxiety & Dating

Discussion in 'Real Life Stories' started by stonerbanana, Jan 3, 2013.

  1. I don't personally have social anxiety but if there's anyone on here that does or has suffered in the past from social anxiety, how does/did it affect your dating life? If you overcame it, how did you go about this?
    The reason I ask is because I'm interested in someone with social anxiety and he can't seem to come out of his shell enough to give me a chance...

    Does anyone know how I can help him overcome his fears?
  2. It's awful man. I'm average looking, and I can't even look in a mirror if the lights are on in the room. I used to have some sexy girlfriends, but I haven't had a girlfriend in four years
  3. What changed since then? Did you use to be more outgoing?

    I don't understand social anxiety, to an extent I do but it's so hard for me to imagine having it.
  4. I can tell you that the hardest part about dating with social anxiety is making the moves, your all uptight and uncomfortable. Be real chill wit him and make some moves on him so he knows your interested. Just hang around him a lot And chill wit him so he gets comfortable. Show him that he can be himself around you and just have a good time.

    Social anxiety for me is's like if you were at a job interview and everyone was all dressed up in suites and shit. And your sitting there in casual jeans and shit and they are all staring you down and like interrogating you. Sometimes you start to get sweaty, nervous, and quite. For no reason either.

    If I said something useful, funny, or intelligent, I really appreciate rep.
  5. That is useful, I can't rep from my phone I don't think :/

    But how can I hang out with him if he's even too scared to do that? I've tried.
    And we've been friends for a long time, just never hung out outside class.

    I don't understand why he always cancels when I try to hang out with him, when he always has plenty to talk about with me... It's not like we have nothing in common.
  6. I have social anxiety. I'm still able to interact with people but it never feels comfortable except if its with my best friends or a girlfriend. Terrible thing to always second-guess what you say because you're not sure how that person will perceive you because of it.

    Even with my ex whom I dated for a little over a year and a half, it took me probably 6 months to become 100% comfortable. The best advice I can give you is to just give him time when you talk to him. People with social anxiety generally have to almost... plan out what they say, at least until they become comfortable with who they're talking to. Don't ask him too many questions at first. That was something my ex always stumped me with those first couple of months. She'd ask me a question to get to know me better and after a few of those questions, I just started feeling worn out and overwhelmed.

    Also, you can try and be somewhat touchy if you want. Like... just casually touch his hand if you, for example, have an idea about something. Like ''hey!! I know what we can do! Lets go see a movie!!" Stuff like that always gave me a sense of comfort.

    Like I said, I eventually grew out of it as I gained more trust in her, as well as started to love her more and more. Be patient and I guarantee he will begin to warm up to you and feel comfortable. But don't try and rush it. I was lucky to find friends/ex who were willing to take the time to get to know me, and none of them have regretted it.
  7. That seems like a really good idea, the touchy thing, it makes sense! & yeah I definitely don't want to rush things as I'm not even sure what I'm looking for in a relationship at the moment...

    I just get frustrated because we've planned to hang out at least 5 times and he's canceled every time...

    The last time I had a gf was at the peak of my SA. It affected dating life by not being able to communicate your feelings to your significant other, and just being too scared to do anything intimate to be honest. The lack off showing affection and communication is what ultimately led to the break up.

    That was about a year and a half ago, since then I have been working on my anxious thoughts. Since progressing I now hang out with a couple friends regularly, go out to stores, and sometimes converse with strangers.
    Anxiety still arises when eating around somebody.

    Game plan; Don't press him to hard about hanging out, when you will hangout, and what to do when you do. This will bring up tons of anxious thoughts.

    Motivation /B]is the key factor (obviously) and you need to find out what would motivate him to get out of the house to partake in one of his interests.
    -Whether it be Weed, watching sporting, playing sports, or exercising, find out his hobbies and apply this knowledge when trying to contact him.

    Small & short hangouts
    Once he hangs out a few times with a small group a few times, I KNOW for a fact some of his anxious doubts will turn their anxiety provoking volume in his head.
    When I got out for the first time in awhile I hung out with 3 people and it was the perfect amount, not to much chatter, but good amount of social contact for size of the group.

    Mind you I still am socially nervous, but not to the level I was before. What really turned the gears was being bored one day and asking a friend on a whim if he wanted to hangout. I realized that hanging out with people was not this big, all so mighty get together that if I made one mistake that some sort of social higher power would despise and laugh at me.

    I didn't hangout with that friend for another 2 weeks before my mindset came to "This routine everyday is so boring, why the hell do I do this to myself? I should start hanging out with people and if I make a mistake, fuck up, or they dont like me, then I shouldn't care at all!"

    Sorry for such a long post. I wish I could hangout with the guy and compare our situations that make us the most anxious. Best of luck, message me if you need anything.
  9. Well if he has cancelled 5 times now, he might have some EXTREME anxiety of some sort. Because canceling on plans is Kinda fucked up. Don't really have an explanation for that. I know when my ex asked me to hang out for the first time, I reallllllly wanted to cancel because I was nervous as fuck but I just kinda smacked myself in the face and said "go get it tiger". But 5 times? A little excessive. Maybe it depends on where you guys are trying to hang out? We went somewhere for the first half of the night with a lot of random pedestrians(i guess that term works?) and it alleviated the stress of a 1 on 1 at least until we had chatted enough to warm me up. Then we went back to her house for a little bit of innocent movie watching.
  10. Thank you so much!

    This makes a lot of sense to me.
  11. I used to have huge anxiety but much less now.

    I'm comfortable talking to pretty much anyone now. My biggest problem is making the first move. I'll rarely be the one to start a conversation. If they come up to me or if someones introduces me it's fine.

    And I hate talking in front of people. Unless I'm like 100% comfortable with most of them. Presentations and speaches have always been horrible for me too.
  12. i was pretty severe on the SA for a lot of my life. dating simply did not happen, and i still dont feel like im ready to date (though to be fair ive got a hernia im waiting to have repaired and the lump is noticeable, so im kind of self conscious about it, and itd be kind of awkward explaining it).

    2 things will help you out with this guy: spend more time around him so he gets more comfortable around you, or somehow make him realize how much he wants to get past his anxiety. you cant make him change if he doesnt want to himself.
  13. Bumps for U
  14. I don't want to change a thing about him personality-wise other than to make him feel comfortable with me...
    I know he wants to get better, he's told me.
    I think I'll ask him how it's going, or if he feels any better?
  15. well for me personally, the only way i could get more comfortable around people was definitely by spending more time around them.

    at first i wouldnt even talk all that much around a person, then after a while i slowly start talking more and more until i was as comfortable as i was going to get.\

    edit: also for me, i would always overthink things before i did them. if i got a new job id be thinking about every tiny little thing that could possibly go wrong, every little detail about myself that people could look at and talk about in a negative way, and build it up to the point i felt like vomiting.
  16. So you're saying if we already talk almost every day that's as comfortable as he's going to get?
    I know he over thinks things like that, we've talked about it.
    For some reason he's comfortable enough to tell me about how he feels with his social anxiety and how he's afraid to get help cause he's embarrassed but he's not comfortable to spend time with me.
  17. You are interested in someone that has social anxiety. You are the one that needs help. Check yourself.
  18. I don't need any help, I've had feelings for him long before I knew he had social anxiety. He showed no obvious signs until one day he told me he thought he had it and then started acting strange.

    I didn't tell him how I felt until after he told me about his SA, though, so now I'm stuck.
  19. [quote name='"stonerbanana"']

    I don't need any help, I've had feelings for him long before I knew he had social anxiety. He showed no obvious signs until one day he told me he thought he had it and then started acting strange.

    I didn't tell him how I felt until after he told me about his SA, though, so now I'm stuck.[/quote]

    Idk dude might be gay.
    I have social anxiety, but more like antisocial, because I just don't give a shit for most people.

    I haven't had a gf in a while, but if I had the opportunity I'd pop some pussy...
  20. well im speaking from personal experience. im not a doctor, or a therapist or anything, so im speaking strictly in the way it affected me.

    i think you said you only spend time together during class? so what you are telling me is he is forced to be in those situations. hes more used to them, being in class and talking as a friend/fellow student.

    why not try something small at first? just to get him out of what he is currently comfortable with. hang out immediately after class or something.. just remember im not an expert on anything here, especially not dating so this is all just guess work based on my experiences. but i can imagine thinking about a date to the point i feel sick.. and what im suggesting is dont give him a chance to do that, at least not at first.

    again im not an expert on anything here, especially (i cannot put enough emphasis on this) not dating.

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