So I Used To Be A Cabbie.

There's a saying that I always tell myself about growing. "Good things come to those who wait."

Well, that was certainly the case with this cab story.

I was working one Sunday morning, which really wasn't my kind of a shift. Things are pretty slow then, and you don't pick up the kind of laid back cool people that you do at night.

So I get a call at this house and this church lady comes out, dressed to the hilt, walking as fast as she could to the car in her bright purple high heels.

She tells me to take her to her church and I start driving. The whole time she's complaining about the price, she's accusing me of intentionally driving slow to make the meter go up more. I explain to her that it doesn't matter how fast I'm going, the meter is based upon how far I drive.

We come to a red light and she's huffing and puffing. Then she screams at me because the meter went up while we were stopped. I told her, if I'm going under 5 miles an hour, the meter goes up by this much every 29 seconds. Look, there's a plaque on the back of the seat that explains how all this works.

She's huffing and puffing and saying I'm trying to rip her off. I was thinking I just couldn't wait to get this woman out of my car.

So we finally get to the church and the fare is $14.75. She gives me fifteen dollars and I tell her to have a good day. That's when she starts screaming at me for her 25 cents. I tell her, I'm not a cashier, everything is rounded to the nearest dollar. If the fare was $14.25, you'd keep a quarter.

But church lady is insistent, and I just want her out of my cab. I tell her, look, I don't keep change. If it means that much to you, here have a dollar back.

I give her a dollar, and she huffs and puffs, and gets out of the car. Then she says, "oh, you should come to our church sometime. we'd love to have you". I tell her, sure I might stop by some time.

So I'm driving off, freaking pissed by all this, and on top of that, she wanted me to go to her freaking church? Yeh, I want to be a part of an organization with people who make a fuss over a freaking quarter.

So a couple of weeks pass. I make a vow to myself never to work Sunday mornings again. But what do ya know, I find myself working one Sunday afternoon.

Guess who I get a call from at that church?

So church lady comes to my car, this time dressed to the hilt in this horrible lime green dress, matching heels, hat, and all.

I start to take her home, and man, she's laying into me again. Same spiel as before. You're trying to rip me off, you're making the meter run up, yada, yada, yada. I'm biting my tongue the whole time, thinking I can't wait until this woman gets out of my car.

We get to her house and the fare is (wouldn't ya know it?) $14.75. But this time church lady hands me a $100 bill. I look at her and ask, "what's this? do I look like a cashier to you? Do you not see the sign on the back of the front seat here that says "driver only has $30 in change?"

Church lady huffs and puffs and throws a fit and says that's all she has to pay me with. I tell her, if she wants change she's gonna have to pay me with a smaller bill. She says she doesn't have any smaller bills.

I tell her, well, here's your options. You can either tip me 85 dollars, or we can go to the nearest store where you can break this 100. Church Lady has a fit and yells at me to take her to the store.

So I start driving to the store and she yells, "why is the meter still running?" I told her it's running because I don't work for free.

Church Lady is now cursing up a storm as she power walks in those heels into the store. From the looks of it in the car it seems like she's giving the clerk in there as hard of a time as me, and I'm pretty sure they tell her they couldn't break her 100 unless she buys something.

A few minutes later, Church Lady comes back to the car and doesn't say a word the whole way back to her house. We get to her house and the meter says $26.25. I tell her, that will be twenty six dollars. She hands me a twenty, a five, and a one. I turn around and tell her, "and twenty five cents!"

She glares at me for a second, starts fishing through her change purse and hands me a quarter and gets out of the car.

I never saw Church Lady after that. I thank the Lord everyday for that.

 

Nah. I'm way too paranoid to smoke in public. Especially the state where I live. Sometimes when I have some friends over, we'll do this thing where we all smoke up, but we have a designated driver, and we just cruise around and see where the road takes us. Fun to do if you're up late at night, and you wanna drive to the mountains, look at some wild life and blast some music.

 

I'll post another if I can think of one. It's been a few years since I've worked as a cabbie. Hard to remember them all now.