So I Used To Be A Cabbie.

At the time, no I didn't even own a gun. And no, no window to separate ya.

 

One more story...this is one of my favs.

So one night I get a call and I pick up this guy who is drunk as a skunk. He didn't really walk to the car, so much as he stumbled to it.

He gets in the car and says, "so take me...hickup...here".

So I start driving and ask him, "you're not going to throw up, are you?"

The guy says, "no....I'm...burp....not going to....belch....throw up"

So we're driving and the guy is looking like he's getting sicker and sicker.

I tell him, "you know, if you throw up, there's a mandatory $500 clean up fee"

He says, "oh God! really?"

"Yep" I tell him. I said, "we've had guys who can't pay the clean up fee before, but they always end up in jail."

So my fair is looking around, getting kinda red-faced, looking sicker, and trying not to hick-up or belch.

He suddenly looks like he's about to panic. He lifts his shirt up over his face, and vomit just pours out this guy's head.

This guy was puking and puking and puking, for a while, he just couldn't stop. All the while he's puking into his shirt, trying desperately not to get a drop in the car.

We get to his destination, and ever so carefully, he holds his vomit-filled shirt up with one hand and opens the door with the other, stumbles out of the car and asks me how much he owes me. I tell him, "oh 11 bucks", and he drops his shirt and everything falls all over his jeans and on the street. He pays me, and I drive off, with every window in the car wide open.

What my fair didn't know....there's no such thing as a mandatory $500 clean up fee at the company.

 

Nah. This one drunk gal had to be walked to the car one time, and she passed out during the ride, and woke up trying to feel me up and shit. I asked her, "are you married?!?" She was like, "what? um, yeh, I'm married" I said, "well, me too!" she kept her mitts to herself after that.

You never know what people might pull, so you gotta be careful.

So one night things are real slow, and so I go and hang out in the office to keep our dispatcher some company. That guy Bear was working that night, and he gets a call to a hotel in a shady neighborhood.

Bear goes and picks up the fare, who I later find out was...how should I put this...a lady of the night with a serious crack addiction.

So Bear takes her to the city and he goes to a real ghetto neighborhood. I'm getting worried about the guy, so we keep sending messages to Bear to make sure he's okay.

There was a certain code we'd use. The drivers could talk on the radio, but they could also send us number codes as messages. "1" meant "Yes". "2" meant "No". "5" meant "talk to me on the radio". And "9" meant "Help!".

So Bear starts coming back home with his fare. He gets out of the city and goes to his old abandoned trainyard outside the city. All the cabs are on GPS, so we're watching him the whole time.

So Bear is sitting at this trainyard forever. 30 minutes have passed, and he hasn't moved. We start sending him messages: "Are you okay?" Bears says "1". A few minutes later we ask him again, "Are you okay?" Bear again says, "1". Not really knowing what is going on, we ask Bear again if he's okay, and he gets on the radio and says, "stop sending me goddamn messages".

After a few more minutes, Bear starts heading back and takes his fare back to her hotel.

Bear then starts heading back to the dispatch office. He gets half way there, and gets on the radio and starts cursing his head off.

Bear comes into the office and tells us what happened. His fare went to go pick up some more crack in the city. He starts to head home and she says she doesn't have money to pay his fare, but she offers to go down on him. Bear thinks this is a damn good idea, does his business with her, heads back and drops her off.

That's when we figured out what he was cussing all about. It seems that while she was getting busy, she was also reaching in his door and she snatched all his money.

I guess she's what you call multi-talented.

 

If I can think of any more, I'll post them.