so...do i have a reason to be a bitch?

Discussion in 'Sex, Love & Relationships' started by nitraw, Aug 8, 2011.

  1. Alright so, a little backstory. My girl and i moved to az about 2 1/2 yrs ago. been together about 3 anda half yrs We have an almost 2 yr old boy, and we've had our issues. She's hit me a few times blah blah punched me in the face yadda yadda

    Anyway, to the current issue. She is almost 23 so she had my son right before her 21st birthday. Girl never really had a chance to go out and drink. I have never had an issue with her going out. I just tell her, be safe be smart and let me know when and where you're going. Well about a year and a half ago she came home from work. Kissed me and i could smell alcohol on her breath. After she repeatedly said she didn't go anywhere, she finally told me she went for drinks after work. I said why are you lying to me? She said that she felt bad for going out cause i never do (i'm almost 27).

    I told her, so what? I never have an issue with her having some drinks with friends. I did my partying and drinking years ago, i dont' need to go out. So on wed she went out for drinks. I had to work at 5 am, woke up at 410am she was on the couch. I tried to wake her up and tell her to go to bed, but she didn't budge. Smelled like liquor real bad though . So there is that drinking in driving i tell her about. She told me the next day she got home at 330. i gave her some shit about d &d and being out till 3am when i gotta go to work, and you have to be home with our son

    so today (4 days later) she texts me and tells me that she's going out for drinks again and she'll be out late. I had an issue with that. Here is why. I just worked 6 days straight 9 and 8 hour shifts. My manager is on vacation so i'm the acting manager. I'm fucking tired, i got 1 day off then i go back to work. I get up at 4 am every day. Wanted to spend the evening with her since i don't have to work tomorrow. There goes that. My son is also getting sick and i wouldn't be surprised if he woke up at night. Not an issue, i'll get up with him but it'd be nice if i didn't have to. Also, she works for tips and we need to pay bills.

    After i tell her all this she's still keen on going out. she's not happy blah blah wants time away. I never complain about her going out, but tonight of all nights? So basically she just told me she's not happy (she also told me afew months ago that our son was an inconvinience to her. s he's a good mom but i can see that she regrets not getting an abortion. SHe'll never admit it, but i can sense it. She wasn't ready to be a mother, at that time.) And i said well you don't love me you don't take me or my opinions or feelings into consideration and you're being selfish. I also said taht she doesn't wanna be with me and that's why she's not happy and she said "you're right i don't want to be with you" So there is that.

    i love the girl but i'm not very happy myself. Shit, main reason we're together still is because of our son. I love him and i can't be away for a day from him and that's another reason, i won't see him as much. But you know what i need to think about my own happiness too, plus he's only 2. It'd be a whole lot harder when he's older

    Sorry for the long rant guys, i've had a couple of real shitty days and this just piles on. Bong+heineken mini keg left overs for the win i guess !!!
     
  2. Sorry to hear that man. But okay, obviously it's not working out.

    She outright told you she didn't want to me with you. End of story, it sucks, but move on.

    you guys got together young, or at least she got with you when she was young. To be honest you should have taken this into consideration when dating a younger girl who wasn't even 21 yet. There was going to be the time when she eventually wanted to party and have fun and explore life.

    Like lots of relationships that start early, or relationships that stick together for the sake of children, it just didn't work out.

    The fact you said the main reason you are with her is because of your son tells me you're ready to move on.

    move on, try to look back positive on your relationship, try to be on good standings for the sake of your child and try to raise him right.
     
  3. appreciate the advice brother. I just hope she doesn't try to fuck me when it comes to my son. She says she won't but i know her too well....
     
  4. I wish you all the best man.

    Maybe I was too harsh, maybe things could work out. But it seems like you know it would be better if you two jus parted ways.

    Hope she is cool with everything, and dont try to fuck you over with your son. Too many women, and men too, use their children as weapons and play games with their childrens emotions just to try to hurt their Ex's.
     
  5. Have you considered YOU taking the child? Then you'd be able to provide a stable environment, and she can go party her ass off...'cuz with the kid, she'd still be tied down, unless she just went slutty and not take care of the young 'un. This is what I proposed to my ex, and she accepted.
    Just a thought.
     

  6. word, might be worth a shot. She probably won't go for it, but i'm def gonna drop in on her. I'm all for that 100% She's not a bad mom, just not really have her priorities set.
     
  7. #7 smoke blunts, Aug 8, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2011
    i'm as chill as can be in my relationships. if i have a girl she's free to do whatever she wants and i can do whatever i want

    just sayin make sure she's not cheating on you cause i got some bad vibes from your story

    edit: and to actually respond to your post, i think you're in line with your expectations. she can have her fun but you guys are two adults with a child... seems like you understand... i would definitely break it off now before it gets worse when your little man's older
     
  8. So far I'm agreeing with what has been said here man. It sounds like the both of you want to go your separate ways. That sounds like the right choice to be honest. ILLOGIK has given a pretty good read on the situation. I'm going to touch on what PirateFarmer said.
    You sound like a decent guy with a good head on his shoulders, you also sound pretty responsible as an adult and as a father. She is wanting to live her party life.

    I say go for custody of your child. It wont be easy, but it can be done. I know because I have custody of my 2 kids from my first marriage. Realistically you will have to cut out the weed, because she WILL use that against you and a judge will be looking for the parent who can give the most stability to the child. You're going to want to build up a case, you do this by taking tons of notes about what she does and when, take pictures of her all passed out, recordings of any drunken rages or outbursts. Now the judge most likely will not listen or watch recordings, however the body he uses to help assess the situation (CPS, Friend of the Court or whatever) will. They play a huge roll when it comes to the custody situation and judges listen to what they have to say.

    You're most likely going to think to yourself "Man, this guy on GC is nuts. I have a job, how am I going to take care of a kid and work?" Well just like a single mom with custody a single dad with custody can qualify for help whether it be free or reduced daycare, early enrollment preschool and so forth. It wont be easy, but it is not impossible.

    You already have an upper hand because you have the more reliable employment with a better more stable source of income. She works for tips, now there isn't anything wrong with that but it isn't as stable. That's just fact.

    This is no longer about your relationship with her, it's about the welfare of your child. A broken up home is bad enough for a child to be raised in, a neglectful home is worse.

    If this is a NO WAY option, then what about joint physical and joint legal custody? If both parties agree to it the process is much smoother. I recommend this if you believe she is capable of properly caring for the child, but just not every day 7 days a week. This is becoming more common and courts like seeing parents work together to a solution that benefits the child the most. Only you can truthfully say if this is a good option.

    Whichever option you go with, do it legal. Get it in writing. Do not just go off of giving each other your word. Promises can be broken, court paperwork can not without repercussions.

    No matter what you have a hell of a road ahead of you and it will not be easy. I wish you the best of luck however it goes. I just hope the both of you can come up with a solution that is best for the child and not using the child against each other.
     
  9. I agree w/ Interceptor, except I want to point out one thing: DO cover your ass by making it all legit w/ a court order, etc. - or have the paperwork drawn up by an attorney that both sign/notarized. But my point is this: try, try, TRY to make it as amicable as possible; it will go so much better if you can persuade her, instead of fighting it out in court. show her the logical benefits: she gets to party, it's hard to have a good fuck session if there's a toddler in the next room (as I'm sure you've discovered by now), the expenses involved - you footing the bills w/out obligating her to child support might be a good negotiating point, and she gets to see the child a lot (definitely put a limit on middle-of-the-night-drunken-mommy-misses-her-little-boy visits and leave the new boyfriend(s) at home. For someone still in 'party-girl' mode, it can be quite attractive, if presented right. Use that persuasion {I assume} you used to get in her pants the first time and amp it up 10x. But don't let your ego or wants get in the way of negotiations; as Interceptor pointed out: ultimately, it's about the child. No matter how young, that boy WILL remember the emotions and vibes laid down by the two of you during all this. Whether or not he's present in the room, the vibes linger on...make them as positive as possible.
    Didn't mean to preach atchya...I went through this twice, and I wish I'd had known or had someone say all this to me way back at the beginning. The most important thing in all this (in my experience) is that the wee one continues to feel secure and loved by both parents through all this...and beyond. You already pointed out, yourself: children aren't weapons to be used against the ex...they're little people that depend on you both to love and nurture them.
     
  10. if it was me.

    i would get proof.

    take her to court.

    get custody of my kid and leave her.

    take my kid and be out.

    i would not settle for my kids mom. id be better off on my own in ur situation.

    thats me tho...
     
  11. I'm too high to comment on something so deep. But I hope everything works out.
     
  12. There's another dude. I have a strong inclination from your story that she is seein' someone and not bothering to keep it too secret. Sucks bro.
     
  13. Before I even read the rest of your post, this was kind of a red flag that perhaps your relationship isn't a very good one.

    I would suggest you get out of this relationship and take your son with you. If you're both not happy and you're really just together for your child; that's not a great environment for either of you, and especially your son. He'd be better off being raised in a more positive situation and you all would probably be happier that way.
     
  14. she was claiming that there is no one else and all that shit. 2 months ago when we got into a big argument, i ended it. She was crying and talking about how much she loves me and all that shit, now just like that she doesn't want to be with me and be around me? thats fishy. So i told her last night if she really wanted to talk thiis out and if she still loved me (she was texting me shit about loving me and loving our family) that she'd be home before 2am so we can talk. This was around 1115. She said she's not sure cause they still haven't gotten to the bar, and i said ok well if you don't show up then i already know my answer. And she didn't

    It's funny because my son woke up last night, just like i thought. And now he's already up again at 615 am here. i'm up with him, but it's the principle that she should've been home so she could get up with him and i could get some much needed rest. I've gone on 4-4.5 hrs a night the past week, all to provide for my son and her and this is what i get? Fuck this shit. i need to end this and not ever reconsider that. She's not worth my time, plenty of women who'd appreciate me for me out there.
     

  15. Ye verily! :hello:
     
  16. Good luck OP
     
  17. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation, OP. Interceptor made some really excellent points.

    Physical abuse in a relationship is never acceptable. I'm a girl and I would never, ever hit my man (unless in defense, thankfully, I've never been in that situation). You would have a hard time going to the police and saying she hit you because she could make up lies and say that you hit her first...so you may want to leave the cops out (plus if you have your weed in your place....eeeeeehhhhh).

    It's really nice of you to give her some nights to go out drinking. However, when she became a mother, she gave up her right to hard partying and hard drinking. She has to take care of a seriously dependant human life right now. It's okay to go out and have fun and beers but she seriously can't expect to get shitfaced then tell you to look after your son all day while she recovers. It isn't fair to you.

    I'm really sorry, OP. I hope you get yourself out of that situation. Physical abuse is never okay. Woman on man or man on woman.
     
  18. I agree. I don't hit guys either & would NEVER put up with being hit.

    I also agree to put thing in writing. Even down to tax treatment of the child. Joint custody is an option that can make neither parent responsible for child support. Seems like it'd be awkward though. I think there should be languange in writing regarding going out partying. You know, just so it's there and can be addressed later if needed. Sometimes these contracts can be made when you are reconciling- or 'talking about things' and you both may be more amicable. However, if things go to shit- you have a contract. So, a mediator or at least havin it notorized is a good idea.

    I've been there, done that- but as a mama. The dad was a louse, so it wasn't an issue- but I had some times (thanksfuly not long) of partying (same thing- having a baby young & didn't really do MY thing before the bar thing). I left my child with sitters, while I worked or partied that I would never leave them with now. And, just i general did things, had people in the house, behaved in a way that wasn't in the best interest of my kid. I thought I totally had it under control & I did 'ok', but now I wonder wtf was I thinking! I would never repeat that nonsense.

    Even the best of us 'forget' that these kids aren't just little things that we have to take care of- like pets. They are little people, learning every day and have feelings that matter and are TOTALLY dependent on us to keep them safe & happy & healthy. Weather they were a suprise or not- they deserve the very best that we can do for them. =)
     
  19. Dude, you have every reason to be pissed the fuck off.

    Wanting to be able to go out and party every once in a while at that age is completely normal, but when you have a kid you have to change your priorities.

    Not only that, but when you're both taking care of a child together, you have to communicate and compromise on this stuff.

    It's ridiculous of her to assume that she can just go out whenever she wants and you have to watch the kid by yourself. She's acting like a selfish brat.

    What would she do if one night you just decided "hey, I'm gonna go out to the bar, you have to watch the kid" without even communicating with her about it first? Doubt it would go over well, eh? :p


    Anyway, I agree that it's obvious the relationship is pretty much over. I also don't think it's a bad idea for you to try to get custody of the kid.

    Obviously I think it would be best to talk it over and see if you can come to some kind of amicable agreement first, but if all else fails, you're clearly the more responsible parent and you're the one who should have primary custody, IMO.


    Like someone else mentioned earlier, if this relationship is going to end and you forsee a custody battle, you need to start keeping records of all this crap she does. And quitting smoking in the meantime is definitely a good idea unless you have an MMJ card.
    I've seen some very messy custody battles. Assume this shit is going to get messy, because there's every chance it will.

    Don't give her anything to use against you. Record all the evidence you can of the things she does that are irresponsible, mother-wise.


    I have a 'friend' who seems a lot like your girlfriend. She had a kid at 17, now she's 21 and constantly wants to go hang out and drink with her friends and just pawns her daughter off on grandma every time.

    I hate seeing irresponsible parents. I really hope you guys can work out this situation without things getting too dirty. Best of luck, dude. :smoking:
     
  20. Damn man....Im a female...and a single parent..I left the donor when my son was 6wks old and never looked back...glad everyday I did it....

    Dont settle because youre afraid for your son....custody and what not....an unhappy home does more detriment than a single parent situation, imo...

    Document how much she's drinking...if you can..money spent on it...all that stuff you said about her staying out...yeah, Id watch out about the weed...but she cant prove that if youre clean....Do what you need to for you and your son.

    **and men with children are sexy...you wont have a problem meeting someone.....great dads are great
     

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