Smoking daily + work hours cut back + no steps toward future

Discussion in 'General' started by bjtwelve66, Jul 26, 2017.

  1. #1 bjtwelve66, Jul 26, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2017
    .....have me really stressed out. I just want some feedback because perhaps I am overanalyzing or overreacting. The last several months my 18 year old son has been smoking more, working less and I see no steps towards him improving his future. The tentative plan for him to move to my bf's house about an hour away and attend a good community college and work part time is in limbo. This was my bf's suggestion and my son was excited about it. He claims he wants to move out of this town yet he has taken NO steps to plan for it. He claims he is "taking a break" through summer and will be moving at that point but these things require some preparation (i.e. transferring jobs or applying for a new one, planning to take the assessment tests for college). He's done none of these things.

    What he HAS done is cut his hours way back because he hates his job. He is only staying on the schedule there because he is considering transferring stores when he "moves", but doesn't really even want to do that. He kinda just wants to work elsewhere. He hasn't applied anywhere though and a job is not going to fall into his lap.

    He doesn't HAVE to go to school. I am not one of those parents who will try to force him. This plan to move would lead to some really good opportunities and I know he is aware of this, but if he wants to stay in town and get a full time job elsewhere, fine. Do something about it then. He has done nothing.

    What he HAS done is start smoking regularly. He would argue this point because he doesn't realize what I know, but he does smoke/dab just about every day, if not every day. He does it here at the house - I have walked in on him and also I've seen him on the webcam in the front room which HE knows all about. Pot is just not my thing and so he knows I don't want it here. I'm not going to go psycho on him or anything for having it, but it's a respect thing. It's my house - I pay the bills, I really just don't want it here. He knows this but he has it here anyway and just tries to be sneaky about it. Perhaps the fact that I CAN see more of what he does by means of my webcam is just hurting ME in the long run. Maybe as parents we aren't really supposed to be privy to this stuff. My parents sure weren't but then again technology has allowed this for us. The stupid thing is, he knows about the camera but assumes I never look at it I guess. When I see things I really don't bring them up to him because I know he would just then be even sneakier.

    It's hard for me to watch all this because it just feels shitty and unbalanced. I get up and go to work every day while he barely works, sleeps in, smokes pot, justifies his "break" from work, and gripes about what little I ask him to do around the house. I don't give him money, so that isn't an issue, but I do give him a roof over his head, provide food and pay all the house bills. He seems very unappreciative. I know this is partly his age (even though not EVERY kid acts this way) but half of me just wants to tell him to move out, like start figuring out where he's going and quick. Maybe with his dad who is deep into the marijuana industry and a huge pot-smoker himself. He is much more aligned with his father and his lifestyle these days than with mine. I probably wouldn't feel so strongly if I saw some action on his part, if I knew this behavior was truly short-lived, but at the moment it's just words coming out of his mouth. I feel like I'm being walked over in some ways, and I feel like he thinks I'm an idiot or something.

    Maybe this isn't a pot issue (addiction? lack of motivation due to too much use?), although sometimes it seems like it is. Perhaps it's a laziness issue or maybe it's just typical teen behavior. Maybe it's anxiety about the future. I'm just growing really tired of it and am curious if any of you guys have been in a boat similar to mine, and if so... what did you do?
  2. It's his future, his problem. That's why I only smoke once or twice a week, so I can get shit done. When i work I don't even have time to smoke normally. Tell him to get his shit together and that you aren't going go babysit him your entire life. Ultimately, it's up to him

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  3. Does he contribute to the bills at all?

    If not, perhaps this is a good place to start. Perhaps you could implement a chore system with a calendar where the base rent (say $200/mo) goes up by $40 for every missed chore. The deal could be that if the balance reaches it's limit, he has to move out within a month or pay off 50% of the balance, no discussion.

    I would suggest not being draconian about it but explain that you are trying to raise an independent man with good values who is responsible and does what he has to do. Explain to him that these are qualities that women (or men) look for in a partner. For an 18 year old, this is great motivation.
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  4. I make him contribute to his car insurance. I do NOT give him gas money either. I was thinking about charging him some rent. That might push him out, but perhaps that's what he needs. Life aint free on the outside.
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  5. I apologize, I'm terrible about editing my posts. Please reread my previous one.

    I've been on my own since 16 and while this isn't a great idea, I am currently the most independent individual in my peer group financially. When I did live with family and after I got into high school, I was always expected to contribute to bills.

    Also, he's too young to completely HATE his job. Nobody needs grey hair at 18. Perhaps you could help him embellish his resume and he can apply for something that he's more content with.
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  6. I really think about saying just this. He only turned 18 two months ago and already I am itching for him to be out because of this behavior. A few months ago I was stressing out about how my nest was going to be empty.
  7. You should be happy about an empty nest. No one to worry about but yourself. Your own groceries, bathroom, own tv shows, own schedule, nobody to complain that your music's too loud.. etc. No weed smoking degenerate either (no offense).

    Sent from my SM-G928P using Grasscity Forum mobile app
  8. Regarding the bolded above, I like the idea but it's too much for me to attempt to implement. It would be easier for me to just tell him (for the same reasons you elegantly stated) that he will need to start paying a reasonable amount of rent. I could perhaps tell him that, because I am feeling overworked in taking care of the house all by myself, he will also be contributing to a weekly housecleaning service. If he doesn't agree, he can move on out.
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  9. Great idea.

    I also wanted to note that as much as I love marijuana, it's your house and your rules. No pot means no pot and this could also be grounds for being told to move out.

    Perhaps ask if he is using it to mask deeper issues or just recreationally.
  10. I am looking forward to this stage in my life. It's not just about HIM and how he is now an adult and can live his own life. It's a new start for me as well and I want to embrace that. I know him leaving won't eliminate the worries but it will be a different type of worry, more in the background than what I am currently dealing with.
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  11. Ye
    Yes I do wonder about that too. He does have some anxiety issues, some sleep & back problems, so I can see him justifying why he smokes. I talk to him about it and always try to keep an open mind. I really try not to alienate him but at some point (like now) I get to the point where he's taken it too far. Go smoke if you want kid, but stop justifying bringing it into my house. I really hate when I know I've gotten a whiff of it and he denies it - nothing pisses me off more than him gaslighting me.
  12. You spy on him via a webcam thats fucking creepy if I caught my parents spying on me via a webcam I'd smash the webcam...
  13. Call it what you like. I check it for various reasons, most of which have nothing to do with him. It's my house. It's been there, in the same spot, for years and is not a secret. He is aware of it so what he chooses to do in front of it when all the rest of the rooms in the house (including his own) are private, is on him. I don't have time to sit on my webcam but I do see things from time to time. I'm certain I don't catch them all but it does give me an indication that there are things going on in my house that I am not comfortable with.

    And if he broke my camera he would be out. I'm not going to put up with that pissy behavior. My house. He can move if he hates it that much.
  14. As far as the deeper issues for smoking goes, I didn't mean it to validate his excuses for smoking.

    I meant it to perhaps get at the root of a deeper issue. Maybe he was bullied at school, can't date the individual he likes or has body image issues, or maybe he lost someone close to him, for example. Never know. I'm just throwing it out there.
  15. Blood is thicker than water; however, in the current state of this economy warring over hot showers is the breaking point. If that doesn't compute I think empty nest syndrome will hit like a ton of bricks.

    Wait until the housing bubble bursts and then count those rent checks a little closer.
  16. Why is it as soon as a kid turns 18 he has to go away to college? Get a job? Move out?
    Is it just like bamm your on your own get out?

    Have you been preparing your kid to take the next step/transition into the after high school stage?
    Or did you start telling him he gotta "do something with your life"

    Have you truly looked at the situation from your kids perspective? Ever been in his shoes before?
    Have you considered that your kid has done the same exact thing everyday except summers for the last 12 years? Maybe he is tired of the same bullshit everyday

    He has his whole life ahead of him
    First thing I would do...cause in a way we are the same.....I spent the year after high school chilling with a girl...I did whatever I wanted when I wanted....get him to break away from the habit of smoking everyday...

    Offer,maybe force upon, your support, one way or another.
    Find him a interest and he can make money at the same time. GameStop?
    He's not going to find his life calling and have that 9-5 job overnight but 18 is number on his path...his journey though the crazy thing we call life. All his experiences/influences in life have shaped him to become the person he is now
    Forcing him to do something anything is not the answer at this stage in life. In a way this is an important stage into his transition out of school and away from you. A delicate time where he needs you most

    Another thing I noticed...I saw a lot of my my my mine mine mine and it rubs off as selfish. I'm sure since you had him you understood that whatever is yours is also his. Maybe he loves his mom and just dosnt want to leave your/his home

    Talk to him. Give him a chance. Just don't force it. The more your push him the harder it's going to take. Your not going to get what you want overnight. It's going to take a little bit of time and patience

    Good luck
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  17. Can you add a garage apartment??? It will add value to your home.
    He can come and go AND stay out of your hair lol
  18. #19 Elfeen, Jul 26, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2017
    Talk to your son ffs. Literally just sit him down explain the situation, how you feel and what you're thinking about doing and then see what he has to say about it. I really doubt his entire life revolves around dabbing in your house to piss you off, he is a human being and you did give birth to him...
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  19. Yup mum, you gotta right him up a nice resume

    Also why do yall keep coming here with your family pot problems to a pot forum?, your lucky this is GC and not a forum with stoners who will just tell you to get lost.
    • Agree Agree x 1

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