Short story

Discussion in 'The Artist's Corner' started by Management, Feb 25, 2010.

  1. Hello everyone! I'm a freshman in college and I'm taking a creative writing class this semester. Our professor gave us a prompt to write a story about a "really fucked up murder, and you want to confess," in first person narrative ( a story from the perspective of the speaker). Anyway, I wrote this and I was looking for a little more feedback. It is a little messed up but be at ease in knowing that I'm a very fun-loving person. It helps that I've been watching that show "Dexter" on showtime.

    With a Hammer
    By Management

    I'll just leave the body on the floor; the blood stain will be a nice touch. His face still has the same terrified, wide eyed look that he had the moment he saw the hammer in my hand. I light my cigarette and ask him, “do you know why you're dead now?” He doesn't answer me because he's dead. I keep going and tell him, “you're dead because, I wanted to kill someone and it's unfortunate that you, Mr. Scottson, were the man that knocked on my door. Would you still like me to buy some magazine subscriptions?” I take another drag of smoke. I don't feel anything. No regret or remorse. If anything, accomplished.
    I remove his wallet from his back pocket and sort through it's contents. Credit cards, a driver's license, and twenty seven dollars. I pocket the money and take another drag of smoke. In his side pocket, his cell phone. I scroll through the address book until someone interests me. “Linda Scottson? Is this your wife, Mr. Scottson?” I look him in his eyes as I press the button to call her. It's ringing. A woman's voice, “Hi honey, I'm at work, what do you need?” I take another drag. “Hello Mrs. Scottson,” as I exhale. “I'm sorry to inform you, that your husband is dead. I killed him with a hammer. About five minutes ago. Right now I'm sitting in my leather chair and smoking a cigarette.” Her end is silent. “You'll get over this, Mrs. Scottson, if that's what you still want to be called. I'm about to bury him. Goodbye Linda.”
    I look back at the dead man on my living room floor. “Is there anyone else you want me to tell for you?” He doesn't answer. “Well, I already dug your hole in the yard. I've had one ready for this kind of situation. And it's a beautiful day to be buried, Mr. Scottson.”
    His blood makes streaks on the carpet as I drag him toward the back door. “You're heavy Mr. Scottson,” as I roll him into the pit and he rests face down. I fill the hole around him. I lean on my shovel and stare at the loose dirt that is his grave. “Mr. Scottson, the greatest magazine salesman to ever...die.” I laugh to myself. I walk back inside without looking back. 
 I pick up the keys to my truck and start toward the front door. I open Mr. Scottson's phone and dial. “What is the location of your emergency?” I'm unlocking my truck. “146 Vermont Avenue.” The voice asks, “What is the nature of your emergency sir?” I turn the key in the ignition. The engine starts. “I've killed a man.” It's quiet for a moment. “I've killed a man with a hammer. I buried him in my back yard.” I back out of the driveway. The voice sounds scared now, “you've killed a man and buried him in the backyard of 146 Vermont Avenue?” I answer with confidence and pride, “yes ma'am. With a hammer,” and I hang up the phone. I drive away, soaked in satisfaction.
     
  2. Nice, this is awesome. Very serial killer like. So nonchalant.
     
  3. That was good. Your protagonist made me want to read to the end, even if you gave up all the suspense in the first couple sentences. Midway through I actually felt a little sorry for the victim, calling the wife and all - he sounded like a very pathetic old soul. That enhanced the fucked up aspect of the crime. Anyway, no offense, just honest criticism, but I didn't understand the point of the last few lines of dialogue with the emergency line operator. I like the dialogue with the dead guy but those didnt seem to add much to the overall story unless you were really trying to point out this guy was a complete maniac, which probably should have been established more clearly at the beginning.

    As far as the messed up quality goes it's good that you ddidnt elaborate too much on the blood and gore. Overall I felt you kept it relatively PG-13.

    Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed it.
     
  4. Thanks for the comments!

    I didn't want to establish that the speaker was a maniac in the beginning because I was hoping that it could be inferred as you read the rest of the story.

    And the point of the dialogue with the emergency operator was to comply with the original assignment, which included the speaker wanting to confess. I was kind of aiming for the reader to really be able to visualize that scene. But thank you for the criticism.
     

Share This Page