Wrote this while blazed as fuck, hope you get a laugh out of it I tried to make a bit of a tense atmosphere, only to shatter it with ridiculousity. Enjoy, if that's possible Reginald looked up and bellowed “Ahoy strangers, what are you doing here?†as he came plodding along to meet the policeman and woman. “We have been sent to ask you some questions about a man named Lincoln Twofeet, whom we believe you have associated with frequently through online communication, mobile telephone and in person.†Officer Adam coughed with apprehension. Their footfalls had led them to Reggies house, about 150 metres farmland from their cars. A paddywagon lurked beyond the green haze of the gum trees, crumpled like a crouching tiger. Inside, a team waited for the transmission, hungry eyes staring on Reggies house. The wind and sun had beaten at the paint on his old weatherboards, and the house looked like the rest of the land around it – old, dried out and gnarled by the wind. “That the case? Come in then, we'll talk†Reggie turned the handle of the door and let himself in. The two officers followed behind. “What is it that you want to know?†“A few questions, mainly about his financial activities... this is a large house, Mr Jesus.†Reggie turned and looked at the two. He smiled, subtly winking at the door. Unbeknownst to all besides Reggie and his helper, Kermit closed the door behind them and darted back into the shadows. The two officers turned at the noise “Winds blowing out there, door blew shut! You want some tea?†Reggie offered. “No thankyou, Mr Jesus. Mr Jesus – wait, is that alright to call you? It sounds a bit ridiculous, do you prefer ‘Reginald'?†Reggie was furious. “Sure, Reggie'll work fine bud†He said, still smiling. Officer Adam continued “Well Reggie, we're pursuing investigations that Twofeet was involved in the purchase and small scale dealing of methamphetamine. He's told us a bit of information about where he's getting the ice, how he's dipping his beak. What do you know about Twofeet supplying methamphetamine?†Reggie said what he wanted them to want to hear. “I'd heard things, and he looked pretty geared sometimes. It don't strike me odd I guess, he never seemed a good reputable customer.†Officer Eve's ears pricked up, and she cut Adam off. “Customer? What are you selling to Lincoln Twofeet?†“Dearie, I sell to a lot of people. Come out, lemme show you.†Reggie stalked away across his kitchen to the door to his backyard. A faint generator sound could be heard in the distance, so Adam assumed Reggie was making the crystal in a shed out the back. He certainly didn't appear treacherous, or even dangerous. He fingered his gun anyway and nudged Eves elbow. Her eyes met his gesture. “Come on.†Reggie had left the glass door open and was sitting on a chair out back, smoking a pipe. Adam exclaimed “Jesus! Mr Jesus! Umm - “ Reggie cut him off. “Been a smoker all my life, me pipes made outta home-grown corn. Nothing but tobacco in here.†Eve stifled a crazy giggle as Adam's face flushed slightly. “Where is it, Reggie?†Adam asked calmly. Reggie just smiled and said “Just over here friends, follow.†He walked over the terracotta tiling to where a greenhouse was visible. Funny that Adam hadn't seen that when we came out here, Eve thought. Funny that I hadn't too, she doublethought. As Adams foot touched the grass with Eve close behind him, about to find glory, Reggie called firmly “Kermit! Fire the machine gun!†Bullets screamed across the houses backyard as the machine gun turrets hailed bullet rain a few metres behind the officers. Both screamed, and Reggie began over the noise. “Officers, that's private area. I have the right to shoot trespassers attempting to rob me of my farming produce. Prepare for death.†“NOOOOOOOOOOO!†A bullet tore Eves mouth in half before she could say “PLEASE DON'T DO THAT! I'M PREGNANT!†And her corpse smashed to the ground. Adam exploded in several places from the rounds. Both were dead. Kermit giggled and came down to meet his master. “Aww, wonderful! Superb!†The sounds of shouts were resounding from the gap to the front door- more of the officers from the hidden van ran out to kill them. Not to worry. “Kermite, ignite the flames!†“Yes, superb!†Kermit pulled the dial and the golden brown wheat was set ablaze. “FIRE! FIRE!†“AAAAAAAARGH!†Kermit's sniper shot from the doorway took down Officer Tim. Three other officers shrieked and ran for the car. Not to worry. “Kermit, trigger the explosives!†They blew up and died. One of the officers was already totally ablaze. His piercing scream filled the air like the last cries of a downed fighter pilot “FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUU†His crumpled body melted like a chocolate onto the ground, and the two remaining officers saw the prospects. All of their colleagues dead, imminent slaughter ahead. Officer Durka exclaimed “It's time to pray dude†“What?†“Time to pray dude. We must seek the mercy of Allah.†“Oh, OK man. Right on!†The officers crouched to pray. Kermit was weaving his snaky form through the hellish landscape, machete poised for a quick and efficient slaughter. As he neared the scene of their prayer, both Officers found that, to their surprise, they had begun to float. Kermit stopped in his gallop and stood still, exclaiming “How are you doing that?†Then Allah smit Kermit down. By the will and mercy of Allah, the two Officers were slowly but surely ascending to Heaven. Floating above the smitten form of Kermit, rising like smoke from the ground: weightless. To Reggie on his porch, they looked like they were being beamed up by Scotty. He fumbled for his shotgun and came stumbling forward. After his trot down to the miracle scene, Officer Durka and Smith were just nearing the 2 metre mark of their ascension. Allah said “Behold, my darlings, I have plucked ye from the breasts of Hell. Come now, sucklings –“ A shot erupted from below, and Officer Durka's neck was blown off. Allah quickly smit the troublesome Jesus man, and continued talking “Behold, your merciful Allah is taking ye to salvation. The process consumes time, however. Ye and I will wait 15 minutes. State your piety to Allah, my darling.†“Now child, tell me of Allah's virtue as be your love to him.†Smith had been answering and hearing strange things for 7 minutes while they slowly were creeping up the sky, and the situation was ridiculous, traumatic and very difficult. Durka apparently was caught in the tractor beam, evident as he tagged along lifelessly through the air. Allah had been demanding compliments consistently between saying strange and incomprehensible things. “Allah is a virtuous lord. Praise him, all men of nobility and valour, as I praise him.†“Ye praise Allah's virtue. What of his virtue child, his benevolence?†“Allah is a mighty Lord†“His might trembles the heart of the infidel. He is powerful, suckling?†“Powerful and exquisite in spirit, his is the only comfort to my soul in trouble and triumph.†“Beloved is Allah in the heart of his flock†“Yes Lord! Beloved for his divine goodness, beloved to men of wisdom, merciful Allah†“Merciful Allah of the most beautiful spirit†“Blinded one, plucked from the nipples of flame and Satan – speak ye not of the mercy of Allah, he whom hath divine mercy and power so as to lead ye man of valour surely to salvation?†“Allah is merciful, praise him!†“Yea!†“Allah has valour in perfect proportion to his power! Praise him!†“Yea! Yea!†The remains of Officer Durka's neck and head were bobbing up and down in the tractor beam like some mocking spectre of Officer Smith's complicity. Meanwhile, Allah clearly wasn't finished with being pampered in praise. “Praise him, he who plucked my soul from the fire and flames of damnation!†“Yea! Yea! Yea!†“Praise his perfection, O praise his glory! Surely, yea, I am not worthy of his mercy.†“Tractor beam off!†All of the sudden Smith felt cold. And sick. It wasn't pleasant, and it wasn't helped by the realisation that he was falling. “Ye dare to contest the will of Allah? Then ye are not worthy, suckling, ye ar-“ Then Smith hit the ground, and was dead.