Serious thoughts and questions on lasting demotivation (no BS)

Hey everyone, first off I know im not a regular poster here and everything, but this is something ive been NEEDING to get off my chest and talk over lately. I honestly have no one else to talk to about this in real life without getting the typical bandwagon response (WEED KILLS BRAIN AND MAKE STUPID!), so I thought I would post here.

If you truly dont want to read the backstory, then just skip to the bottom and answer the last two questions

For the last 2 years ive been a seasoned toker. Hitting at least a bowl every day (a bowl at night during the school semesters for sleep, and throughout the entire day over breaks). Im a community college student of 3 years now, meaning this is my 4th year. This is where I usually get odd looks and smiles as if its already explained why im still in community college. However, this is where my first doubt lies. My entire life all ive wanted to do is make my parents happy and to live with them under happy terms. As far as school goes, ive NEVER seen myself going through a certain amount of school to get to a specific job. The way ive always viewed school is getting good enough grades to keep on good terms with my parents because I truly love them, they have given me no reason to hate them, and I rely on their support.

Ive never wanted to be a doctor, or a lawyer, or a social worker, or whatever else public school could give me. Hell, it feels like ive never had any motivation towards a specific job, just always told my parents one thing so that it seems like I do while keeping them happy. That one thing is medical. As I stepped into college they suggested pharmacy, and I literally just went with that without any thought as to keep them happy because hey, NOTHING else interests me. First year of college I had above a 3.8 GPA with 12-16 units, even better than I had in high school. After that first year ended, I had my first toke, and it started a long chain of events that has led me to this day and site.

Since then my grades have gotten progressively worse and worse. Now im at the point where I am taking upper level organic chemistry and analytic calculus classes, and my hollow interest in school is beginning to cave. On the outside I act as if everything is fine, im chugging along, living happily with my parents. On the inside im just a hollow shell, with no real goal in sight regarding school.

There is one thing that isnt hollow in me though, my newfound love in electronic music. It happened the same exact summer I started toking. Even more specifically, it hit me when I listened to the deadmau5 song So There I Was while high. Each note vibrantly ringing in my head, each thump of bass chilling my body, taking notice of each key and sound. Since then electronic has been ALL ive listened to, and I can easily spend entire days at a time looking up new songs and more recently mixing them purely out of joy using a free mix program. Ive been attending raves and shows at least once a month. I have done other drugs at these shows, but I dont see myself by any means a "scenester" or whatever you want to call it. Ill know each and every producer/DJ who will be playing that night inside and out, and ill usually be completely prepared as to what they are gonna play too, guiding my friends who we should and shouldnt see based on their tastes. Ive also gone to many shows without being high on anything.

Electronic music has been the closest ive ever felt towards having an actual future. Yes, I do mean becoming an artist. I feel ridiculous when I say it though, because it seems its one of those "you and everyone else in world" kind of wants. But I feel like its different with me, im as close to clinically obsessed with this as I could be, I want it to be my life. After so much research though, it looks like something of extreme risk. Do I risk quitting school? perhaps losing the respect and trust of my parents, to do something that is so competitive now its likely I wont get ANYWHERE?

Now I will bring this full circle back to the demotivation thing. Lately, my parents have been blaming my school struggles to toking and it having a permanent demotivating effect. Thus far ive denied it in my head, thinking its in no way possible. What ive always thought its been is the rising level of difficult classes combined with my hollow interest in school and just attending for my parents.

However, a new question has popped into my head lately that just wont leave me: is my love in electronic music simply because I get high? I mean, yes like I said I go to shows while not under the influence, but did it all start only because I was high? Have these last few years been a parallel reality haze where ive fooled myself into thinking this should be my future, and if I were to stop for a few months, would I out of nowhere realize "OMG I should be getting good grades again!"?

What this all comes down to are these two questions:

Do a lot of people go into a phase after blazing where they think music will be their future just because it sounds that much better and distinct while blazed?

And has anyone quit for an extended period of time and, out of nowhere, become school motivated again towards something they had a hollow interest in before?

Thank you for your guys time, I really do appreciate it.

 

Thank you for the response =D honestly im at a breaking point right now in my life, its either now or never. And I have absolutely ZERO regret for smoking weed, and I never will, especially after what ive tried at raves.

I have such little respect for people who jump on bandwagons against it saying it "destroys brain cells" because they relate it with addictive designer drugs.