Seeking Guidance...

Salutations.

My name is Tonya. I know none of you know me, as I have been a long time member, with no postings. I consider myself a "Seasoned toker" as I have been pretty much an "all day every day" style smoker for about 8 years now. But I am not your typical "burn out" as I don't appear stoned and I can maintain my speech and keep from drawing out things too long. I lose limited amounts of my intelligence when i am stoned and can function in any work environmental. (i even hold two jobs). I love and appreciate all aspects of the herb. I am an active supporter & participant in peacful protest. I once was a dark & brooding person who hated all that was in existance, especially myself. But now I am a happy, peace loving, passionate person, and I believe that it was through Mariijuana that I was able to find this side of myself & embrace it.

Now, I tell you this about myself, to lead to another story (Please forgive me for my first post being such a long one, but I am deeply troubled)

3 years ago, april of 2006, standing on the out door stage of the Masquerade in atlanta, Ga, waiting for the doors to open to the Shaggy 2 Dope concert, I was standing around with some friends (Old & new) smoking a j of some good ol' ga kind. I got distracted & began introducing myself to some new kid who i'd never seen before. Then, from below, I heard some guy say "WTF kind of name is that?!". It was one of the cutest guys I had ever seen. We spent the next few hours exchanging wise cracks & horsing around. I dragged him around introducing him to everyone (he was from colorado). He was a non-smoker, but seemed ok with being around it. I have ALWAYS been extreemly open about my smoking with everyone in my life. My parents, my family, friends co-workers, what have you. (Though only when it comes up in appropriate situation, not like I walk up to people and say "Hi, my name is tonya, & im a stoner" lol). Hell, 99% of my family smokes.

It took him several months for him to build my trust (i was still hurt from previous accounts) In june 2k6 he moved home to colorado, but instead of things fizzling out, he flew me out for visits, & even came to GA for a clown show because "It wasnt the same being at one with out" me. We fell further & further in love with eachother. I moved to colorado In november of the same year, 1500 miles away from anyone & everything i had ever known. I stopped smoking pot douring the initial couple of months, as a. i had no recourses, and b. i needed a job. I even bought a new pipe with in a week of living here, showed it to him & everything, i didnt hide it.

I got a job & developed recourses, and then the problems began. He started bitching more & more "I dont want it in my house" "I dont want you to be around me stoned" and then just flat out "You can't do that". So... I would stop for a few weeks here, a few weeks there, then the depression would come back, he would start being the dumbass drunk that he is, i would discover more & more of not only the lies he had told me, but also was still telling me (Mostly about his drinking) & I would say fuck it...

Eventually I said fuck it all together, and sort of lead a double life, I smoke litterally every chance I got, i suppose subconciously it was a challenge, to see exactly what I could get away with. I could litterally smoke a bowl of some danky dank Rocky mountains shit 5 minutes before he would get home and he would never smell it or even think that I was high. Sneak tokes in the car while he went into the filling station.

Now, I know all of this was wrong for me to do... very very wrong for me to do, and i regret all of the lies & sneaking. But lets not forget, he is guilty of the same.

As I said, I work two jobs & take care of all the bills (He makes more money, but it comes down to me to making sure they get paid). I go to the liquor store for him almost every night, when he needs another shot but is drunk & therefore refuses to drive. I deal with his bizzar alcoholism, the mood swings & the drunken child like fits. All I ask for is to smoke a little bud, which doesnt affect my/our life/abilities 1/10 of the way his habbits affect them.

Now... here we are 3 years & just over 3 months into our relationship, we were engaged & then married in june (yeah, came as a total shock to me as it happened too, lol) No kids or anything like that. Then about 2 weeks ago, we got up in the middle of the night, I sat on the couch to smoke a cigarette & he went to the bathroom. He came back with my tampon box (Thats right folks, my tampon box), which had an old aluminum pipe, some papers, and a hanging scale (My glass & current stash, of some of the most brilliant purple weed i have seen locally, were stashed safely under the couch). He sat it down in front of me and all i replied with was "Yeah?" He replied with the same "Yeah." We hashed it out over the next couple of days. Douring which he threatened annulment (which he does have grounds for under local law as he was theoretically "tricked" into the marriage), made it painfully obvious that he doesnt care about my opinion on the subject & that I have to choose either him or marijuana. I have his wedding ring on my necklace as we speek 2 weeks later, he refuses to wear it. He says I basically cheated on him and he would have rather have walked in on me banging some dude in the shower.

I still havent completly stopped smoking, my best hippie friend (also convieniently my next door neighbor) has been letting me drop in for a toke here & there, and I actually reclaimed my glass from her & got a bag...

That was the story, This is the problem (If you havent figured it out):

Our entire relationship has been absulutly amazing & damn near perfect exept for the issue of substance usage, his absurd drinking & my smoking (the ultimate in good vs. evil). We both know where eachother stands, atleast I know where all the cards are, he may not really care. (And its not the legallity of the issue that stands, as he has me purchase pain meds on the street when he has issues with his very poor teeth, through the same "stupid stoners" he hates me to associate with) He has made it very obvious that hes not going to quit drinking, and hes not going to budge on the whole pot thing.

Do I sacrifice the one thing in my life that has failed to let me down, even when my significant other has hurt me & let me down beyond all other. Do I give up the closest to complete inner peace that one can achieve, for a chance that maybe one day he will sober up & wont be dead at 35 from Cirrhosis or Hep. Or do I suck it up, and deal with the heart ache of losing the one man that i would do anything for, i even left my home, my family, to persue a relationship with this man. I undoubtedly love him, but i just feel that what he is doing, and the ultimatums that he is delivering is not fair. Not fair at all.

I hope I have not bored you to tears... and I hope its not seen as whining, I have come to a fork in my lifes path and Im genuinly scared & confused as to which path to take, is it time to settle down & "grow up" or was I brought here for bigger & better things? I know none of you can answer that, maybe im just stoned & trying to organize my thoughts. Either way, thanks for listening.

 

Thank you all for the positive comments. We have been doing this dance for 3 years, so most of the things that were told to say to him, i have already said, "tell him to quit drinking", "explain how you feel" so on & so forth.

And I am 100% willing to make compromise, i would fully (or partially, depending on the compromise) stop smoking if he would stop drinking (which i have basically formed a hatred for). Yes he has smoked before, and was some what of a "stoner" himself once upon a time.

And I don't believe I am "addicted" to smoking, but I feel as though it is very unfair of him to force me to choose between the two things in my life that have brought me the truest happiness. I feel like it is unfair that he has the right to put the substances he chooses in his body to "deal with stress" or even just have fun. Why can't i have the same freedoms?

I know in my heart of hearts that I love him & would rather be with him than be high. But why should i be the only one to make sacrifices, when I have already given so much?


I know this is a fucked up situation, and im sorry to put this on total strangers, I just needed some new incite on the whole thing. Thanks so much again, guys.

 

I believe our relationship is worth its weight in Himalayan gold nugs my friend, and I feel so torn because i want to choose the relationship, because it would be stupid to throw away the best thing thats happened to my life over getting high. If it werent for kelly i wouldnt have found my way to this amazing state, i would not have had the experiences & good times i have, nor would i have the shot at a decent future that i do now (i had some, uh, issues when we met)

I just feel like I am being bullied, and forced to comform to a life in which i dont feel is the life i was destined for. Neither of which make me very happy, at all... And i am just down right scared of how things will go either way.

If i stay, i cant promise i will never touch a pipe again, I can't promise that i wont be super stupid bitchy over his drinking, but I can promise that i will continue to dedicate my entire being to him & our relationship, doing whatever it takes to pay those bills & work towards that dream.

If i go, i will lose everything that i have poured the last 3 years of my life into, leaving me homeless, vehicleless & w/terrible credit, also, more torn & heart broken than i have ever experienced.

I really dont want to leave, i just want to know its ok for me to be myself, and not get yelled at for just wanting to smoke a little green & go pick sunflowers by the lake... why is that so damn wrong?

 

What does he do for the relationship? He always makes sure the money is there, he works 60+ hours a week, every week, at a shit job. He protects me and does most of the things i dont want to do. He makes sure i get to have all of the stupid shit that i just *have* to get. He takes care of me when im sick & hugs me when im sad. He does give, but he just expects me to give more.

 

He refuses to have this conversation again... Ive been trying. its retarded honestly... the more i think about it the more irritated & disgruntled I become. And i dont like being this way... I'm generally like, the most level headed & zen person i know. and its like right now i dont know up from down.

 

I do smoke cigarettes, but when it comes to drinking (what once was something i did somewhat frequently,) now maybe i will have a drink with a dinner out with family, which is quite rare.

And once again, he litterally NOT listen to me about anything, like wont do it at all, not happening, no. le sigh...