scary repeating sequence

this is a long ass story, a fucking essay.

this happened around 2 weeks ago on a saturday. me and a couple of friends went down to one of our friend's farm to fuck around for the weekend. at night, we went out the back of the house on the grass and a couple of them began drinking and a couple of us were planning to smoke some weed that I bought off a friend's friend. we had a grinder and a glass bong. we snuck away from the guys who were drinking and went further out back in the dark amongst a grass patch. i had grinded the weed and the four of us sat in a huddled circle where i took the first hit. i cleaned the packed cone piece completely with one breath and passed it over to my friend. by that time the others had found us and were shining their phone lights everywhere and being annoying and shit. the second guy had one and the bong had been passed to the third person and he asked me how to do it and i explained and shit. it hit me after like 10 seconds and i started laughing and getting the giggles and the normal u know. im trying so fucking hard not to erupt in laughter cuz thats how it is. i finish explaining and he does what he does and im laughing, dying in fact with the second guy.

after what felt like a while but in reality was probably less than a minute i started to realise that this time was something different and i felt the highest, most gone i've ever been, and I had smoked probably around 10 times before where I had probably 4-5 cones to get high, and it was nowhere close to this. my mind started to race and it felt like my thoughts were coming so quickly and i was thinking about every single possible thing all at once. i was paying attention to the behaviours of my friends, thinking and exploring about life and death, the human condition, nature, the meaning behind life and everything. it felt like every one of my thoughts were impossibly deep and meaningful and mind-blowing and i lost track of what i was doing, time, and what life is itself; i was deeply buried in my mind and my thoughts. so much of what was going on in my head - the thoughts, ideas, connections that i made - I will never be able to willfully and consciously access again, let alone describe them. and I knew that at the time: it was another thought I had.

the bong had, unbeknownst to me, been passed around to one of my friends who had also drunk and he starts hitting it. this is where the repeating sequence starts. this is what happened, in chronological order. he coughs into the bong and i see the water come out of the cp. instantly, the boys react, each in their own ways. i acknowledge but not necessarily process all the laughter, the comments, the actions, and everything that all my friends do/say/imply and everything that happens around me when he does so. i murmur, "oh my god"; my mind is getting blown by a countless amount of thoughts, ideas, realizations etc... then, i realise the absurdity of the condition and situation that life exists in and the cruelty, sweetness, bitterness, carelessness, intangible-ness of actuality and life itself. simultaneously, i become aware to the fact that i'm having these surreal thoughts. again, this time i murmer, "oh my fucking god", in disbelief to everything. absolutely everything. as i say this, i turn and lower my head into my elbow and, as a result, see blackness; my eyes are closed.

then, i see my friend coughing into the bong again, the exact same reactions, the exact same thoughts, exact same everything. "oh my god... oh my fucking god". head drops into my elbow. blackness. and a repeat. i'm not sure how, but this repeating sequence became life itself. there was no question of certainty, in fact no question at all. I was literally stuck seeing, feeling, thinking, hearing, sensing the exact same things on repeat. that was literally what life was. the scary part was that i was also having these thoughts that i didn't attempt to describe previously because it would make more sense for me to do that now. these thoughts were what i think made this repeating thing torture. an absolute and complete horror. its indescribable the extent of suffering, pain, sadness, and mania that was in this repeating sequence.

i was conscious of the fact that this life, this repeating sequence, would go on forever, there was no death, just this repeating sequence. and I had an infinite number of thoughts on repeat. the ones that i can remember and stood out to me were along the lines of, "why is life like this", "what is the meaning of life", "i want to escape", and such. in this life, there was also a vague but actual notion that there had been a life before this that was different, as if it were alluding to my actual life.

when my head drops into my elbow and all i see is black, i would completely forget about all these thoughts that i developed in this sequence, i lost consciousness and sentience. as it repeated again, for an infinitesimal fraction at the start, i would be unaware of everything, as if i were a newborn baby into this world. my mind was absolutely blank. then all the thoughts would start to flood in again. i would remember that this is what life is and it just repeats and repeats and repeats. that i was stuck in the endless loop of torture. i would become conscious, aware, sentient of the condition that i exist in.

next would come the outstanding and ever-repeating questions, "what is the meaning of life, why is life like this, i want to escape", and such. and i would start to put my head into my elbow again. and i knew that all these thoughts would clear out, making my mind blank, and that i would again experience these exact same thoughts in the exact same order in the next repetition, and the pain and sadness and despair and helplessness and frustration at realising this hit me, but nonetheless my mind became blank, and onto the next repetition i go, where I remember everything yet again, and on and on and on…

I knew exactly what was going to happen. I knew that I would have these exact same thoughts at the exact same times and everything. Yet I nonetheless still lost sentience when my arm dropped into my elbow. The pain came with remembering. The fact that I knew exactly everything that was going to happen and ever will happen created this sense of helplessness and suppression and gave the entire experience a somewhat traumatic element.

At some certain repetition, as I dropped into my elbow, the blackness just stayed there; it didn’t repeat the sequence. I lift my head up and I was in the real world again. There were only three people left there. My face was wet. It felt like I had been in the sequence for an infinity. I was confused as to how I wasn’t still in the sequence.; remember, it felt like that was life itself and that would be all I knew and ever knew. i'm not sure in what state of consciousness i was in at the time, my friends couldn't tell me what i was doing. I suspect that I was just unconscious and it was all happening inside my head. Well obviously it was just inside my head, otherwise I’d still be in the sequence. It just felt so real that somehow, I find that hard to digest. as hard as i have tried, my writing does the actual experience no justice, it is too limited and crude to fully encapsulate it.

in the next 9 days i smoked it twice more, one time a couple cones and the next time around 5. the repeating shit didn't happen again, just deeper and more exaggerated thoughts.

is this repeating thing a common experience? is it possible that my weed is laced? has anyone else had these types of experiences?

thanks for taking the time to read.