I have had a lot of fights with my parents growing up. Even though I was only physically abused a couple times a month, the real abuse comes from the lack of any emotional connection with anyone that I developed throughout my life. My parents have always wanted the best for me. They gave me a good home to grow up in, there was always food in the house and I never went hungry. They have always, and still want, the best future possible for me. Their version of success was very narrow minded though. Simply put, it meant going to medical school and becoming a surgeon because I had so many uncles and aunts who had done that same route and they all were in a better position than my parents. I didn't understand this for a long time. It didn't make sense because even though they wanted what was best for ME, they had already become enticed with what they THOUGHT was best for me. As a result, we had a lot of conflicts throughout high school, but who doesn't right? These conflicts actually stem from earlier conflicts between my parents and I, mostly between my mom and me. Truthfully, I don't even remember what any of the fights were about. I just remember that I would always get spanked until I "became sorry". Then my mom would apologize to me, but as my 8 year old eyes saw it, all I knew was that I would get disciplined, and then my mom would say sorry (which I didn't think she meant) because then this would happen all over again in a couple weeks. These are the imprints that were left upon most of my childhood memories, and even though I don't remember the specifics of what happened during those situations, I just remember that it felt horrible. I was all alone and the people that were supposed to help me through life had seemingly abandoned me. As an early teenager, I kept to myself on a computer and on the internet. It was my way getting through the day. I wasn't addicted to being on the computer like my parents kept insisting. I just felt trapped everywhere else I turned to, and the only thing my parents couldn't truly control me with was through the computer and the internet. It felt like home. There were people that would actually listen to what you had to say and wouldn't just brush you off simply because you were a kid. My relationship with my parents didn't get much better through high school. The only difference between my prepubescent days and my high school days was that I found out that hitting things gave me relief of my anger and frustration. I knew the consequences too well about hitting people, so I let it out on inanimate objects such as walls and doors. I would punch something, break a couple knuckles, and have a bloody hand for the next month, but the pain felt good. It was soothing almost because it was something that was more painful then my mental anger and frustration. I got better at channeling my feelings as well. I could suppress things like laughter and smiling now. During events that brought the family together like family dinners, I wouldn't say anything and if I felt a smile creeping up on my face, I would stop it. It just didn't feel right to express any sign of emotions in front of my parents. I stopped asking for things for my birthday and for christmas and I stopped receiving presents as well. I didn't even tell people it was my birthday anymore, because the day that I was born meant nothing to me anymore. Why the fuck should anyone celebrate this ingrates birthday? I would be better off dead. Recently, after my first semester in college ended, I thought that my relationship with my parents was getting better. I had slowly been trying to build a better relationship with my parents again. When I saw my mother fighting with my sister, I tried to reach out and help my mother so that she wouldn't fight with my sister that much. That ended up with her yelling at me for about 20 minutes, then later coming back and saying sorry. My dad heard what was going on between us, and of course he took her side while she was in front of me, but then talked to me about it alone when my mom wasn't there. I saw that he was attempting to talk to me, get to know more about me, so I took a leap and tried to open up to him. I got comfortable enough to even ask for some Christmas presents. I asked for a watch and a new keyboard. He said ok he will look into it. When we were opening things up, my dad said that he didn't buy the watch because it was too expensive for a freshman in college to wear. He didn't even mention anything about the keyboard. I already had a feeling deep down in my gut that I wasn't going to get these things when I looked around and saw the shapes and sizes of all the stuff under the Christmas Tree, but it still hurt nonetheless when he told me. It hurts because I thought things were getting better between us. When I showed him the watch and the keyboard, all he had to do was say 'no' right then and there and I would have complied and that would have been the end of that. Instead, he waited until Christmas to tell me about it. If he wasn't planning on buying them, why couldn't he just tell me no right away? I know he didn't try to hurt me on purpose, but it still hurts nonetheless.
You're a young person who grew up fast. It's true that this world is rough, but you've survived long enough to see the light it seems. Having dysfunctional parents is common, an the way we deal with it is unique. You are indeed intelligent and I can tell that growing up was something you did at a young age. The most important thing to remember is that you are your own identity. Much like the Internet worked as a safe haven, your individual conscious mind is much the same. You are you own being and on complete control regardless of your outside environment. There is the physical world and the spiritual, and when one differentiates the difference between the two the mind is set free. Understand that your parents are the issue, obviously not you or else you would be incapable of these realizations. Maybe make the hard decision to distance yourself from your family and life independently. It is quite possible and the rewards are great. One thing to remember is that your whole entire life happens this very moment. The past is vague and the future non existent. There is only ever right now. Live for yourself and love the universe. We are all one and deep down in the core of your identity you may find salvation. A story that reminds me of your situation is the homeless man and the pedestrian. A pedestrian walks past a homeless man sitting on a box and the homeless man begs for change. The man stops and curiously looks at the homeless man and says, "what's in the box?" The homeless man replies that he himself doesn't know. He never checked. Upon opening the box the homeless man finds a bar of solid gold and realizes he has been rich this whole time. You as an individual are sitting on a wealth of happiness and detachment. Enlightenment is as close to you as the ever presence of water to a fish, but does the fish know its underwater? Realize the infinite power of your mind and destroy the ego. Grab your happiness by the horns and triumphantly fuck is hard. Good luck in life my friend.
your story reminds me of my childhood. i grew up a really shy kid and my parents hated each other. they would very minorly abuse me as a form of discipline, but they loved me regardless. i moved out with my mom into an apartment during the end of middle school. i was really insecure and still sleeping with stuffed animals in the eighth grade, not to mention i was unbelievably scared of the dark. it was tough enough just living there, and then we got bed bugs. it was a nightmare. my mom and i also got into a lot of arguments because i was going through adolescence at this time i sought refuge in the internet. i would talk to people on messaging programs and on animation forums. it was like a way of expressing myself anonymously, free of the terrifying judgement from the real world. i guess i was this way because i was given everything growing up and my parents would never have made an effort to teach me independence if i didn't do it on my own. therefore, i was always insecure as a nerdy teenager and struggled each day at school with hopes that i would come home to enjoy sitting at my keyboard where social rejection did not exist. it took until the end of high school until i finally opened up and became a social individual that was comfortable in his own skin. i even got a girlfriend, although she treated me like absolute shit. i still live with both of my parents in college despite the fact that they hate each other i'm completely myself now after overcoming social anxiety, gaining social acceptance (as sad as that is), smoking the herb, being put through many diverse experiences, and expanding my philosophical views on life. i have never felt better, but i have realized society is a lot of bullshit. after everything i had been through past opening up, i trust very few people. i also do not have anyone i consider friends anymore. i realized the only thing that matters in the end is taking care of yourself, and the few people who deserve your trust/sympathy. i am currently working a shitty job making $8.35 an hour. i'm going to a university full time to get a degree in graphic design. while life has its pleasures, it's just depressing to know i live in an age where i'll always be a slave to someone who profits off my existence. i would rather live in a time of spirituality than a time of being a slave to the economic system
I have pretty dysfunctional parents too. As a kid, I developed an eating disorder, and was an insane over achiever. Looking back, it's pretty obvious that I threw myself into work and trying to be "perfect" as a coping mechanism because of all the chaos at home that was out of my control. Moving out when I went to college was the best thing that ever happened to me, and to my relationship with my parents. Growing up was hard, but I'm also grateful, because it taught me to be a more empathetic person. My parents were people first...maybe they're not the best parents, but they love me, and they try. I think that's all you can really ask of anyone. The internet is a great tool to reach out with. Interacting with people in real life is even better. It's difficult to honestly connect with other people, but everyone, even people from healthy homes, struggles with it. Learning to let down your guard and trust people might go against the instincts you developed in childhood. There is always the chance that you'll get hurt if you do. But, in my experience, it's the only thing that really means anything.
Do you consider getting a whipping physical abuse? If so, then you have a lot to learn... I'm probably only a year or two older than you, and I got whipped with switches which hurts like hell... After reading your story twice, I still don't see how your parents are at fault for your abandonment. After I turned 18 I was lucky to get 50 bucks... I'm 21 this year and I was lucky to get $50 and a bottle of Crown Royal from my dad. You seem to be blaming other people for you being reclusive... Maybe try therapy...
It saddens me to see parents and kids having bad relationships. -- OP, you think your relationship with your parents is bad because they didn't buy you the gift you wanted? A watch and a keyboard? First of all, you don't ask for TWO things for a Christmas gift! One is enough. The one that you REALLY want. You want the the watch or the keyboard? And... your parents' idea of what's good for your future might be different from your idea of what's good for your future, but their idea isn't wrong. Becoming a doctor IS a good future, not just for you, but for anyone. But you think you have a better idea, right? So what's YOUR idea of what's good for your future? Do you even have an idea? If you do, let me hear it.
Hey man you have parents. Some of my homies don't even have that , me and you are lucky enough to have people there for us How little they are. Time to start looking inwards to solve these problems instead of out , any lack of love from the outside can be supplemented inside
I plan on finishing college in 4 years and graduating with a degree in business administration/finance degree and become an accountant either through my own business, someone else's private business, or a large corporation. I am also tackling my "nest egg" differently than most people. Instead of keeping them in a savings account where they earn less then 2% interest a year, I invest it into stocks. I have 3 stocks that are above 25% gains so far, and my lowest ones have been 8%, both of which are better than 2%. Two of my stocks dish out ~9% in annual dividends to shareholders. Then in my 40s, if I don't run for president or state senator, I will help business's negotiate deals with each other, when I have built up more of a "reputation" of myself. I can't really plan after 65 tbh or when I will even retire, but I sure as hell think it's more than you've planned with your life right?
Well, certainly it's a game you can play... not too many people are good at it. I'm not good with politics. Too much stress. Seriously. I hope you succeed with your plan. And as for the gift that you didn't get, don't think too much of it. You can always buy your own watch. Or a keyboard. So which is it, man? Watch or keyboard? Let me guess... watch is what you want, but the keyboard is what you need...
Just basing this off of your OP ... As a lot of people on here said, I've had somewhat similar experiences as well ... Whatever happened, it's done ... What you could do to live happily though is not dwell on it ... Learn ... You've already probably learnt never to physically harm anyone/anything ... Learn not to be irrational anymore, learn letting a free-flow of your happy emotions ... Fuck being angry n agitated n feeling tied down ... What you wanna see around you, first plant that in you ... This is not any sermon or life-lesson man ... These are the things that will make the man in the OP, a way better person than your parents could ever imagine to be! Much love!
