So I posted a thread http://forum.grasscity.com/sex-love-relationships/1184924-should-i-just-end.html about how the spark was gone with my girl and I found out from my friend. So I got really crazy about it and did some things that I sincerely regret and wish I could take back so bad. That girl that I ended up screwing to try and forget about her made me feel awful. The entire time I was thinking of my ex and all I want is for it to be her lying next to me. On top of this I did something that was really impulsive and I really wish didn't happen but it did. The only thing I had of hers was her pillow that she left at my place and I knew she would want it back. I wanted a clean break so I decided to take it to her room and leave it outside. I was fuming, feeling terrible about what was going on and just wanted to do something to make me feel less hurt. I really wanted to hurt this girl the same way what she did really hurt me. I wrote a message on the pillow in Sharpie, "You're a cunt. I'm tired of your alcoholic, attention seeking bullshit. I also fucked someone else. But we can still be friends right?" When I get to her place to give her the pillow her and her friend are right outside smoking a cigarette. I walk up within like 20 ft and then just threw the pillow at her, and got in my car and drove away. After doing this I felt good, like an extreme rush. I was so fucking sure that I was over her and was now ready to pursue different avenues and that I could totally forget about her but now I'm realizing that I was very obviously deluding myself about what the actual situation was. I went about the day and laughed about what happened, told some friends about the story (guys) and they laughed because they know I'm crazy like that. I had a very productive day regardless of the lack of sleep and eating. I felt like I was on drugs without being on them. Later that night I'm chilling with some guys playing poker and just getting shitted. Mind you this is after I haven't been able to eat very much and also haven't been able to sleep very much either. As I get drunk I begin to get this sinking feeling, like a withdrawal and I just started thinking about the girl I've been so infatuated with. All I can think of is her and how much she means to me and how I want to be with her. I'm going really low at a quick rate at this point and I just felt an immense sense of guilt for everything I did. I tried to call her to apologize and just have her tell me some bad shit about myself but there was no answer. The next day she calls me and I don't answer. I sought counseling to just talk things out with someone who wasn't gonna care about what I said. I'm really torn up and there are other severe situational stresses in my life particularly my family life. She texts me "why did you call me?" I say "I was drunk as a skunk and couldn't stop thinking about you. I just wanted you to tell me some bad shit about myself." I'm really low at this point. Nothing I'm doing seems enjoyable and everything is just going through the motions and not wanting to be there. The next call I receive is not from her, but from the police saying that she's scared of me and that if I try to contact her again they're going to do something about it. I'm crushed that she would go to the police, it hurts so fucking bad that she couldn't just fucking talk to me. All I want to do is apologize for everything. I feel really guilty and honestly really fucking terrible and embarassed. My actions were stupid and impulsive and I strongly regret doing what I did. Everything is so fucking dull. Everywhere I go where there's a crowd I look for her and never see her. Every time I go by her building to either go visit my friends or to class or to skateboard or anything I look to the front of her building to see if she's there. I'm just going crazy thinking about her the thoughts won't stop no matter how hard I try I just can't stop. It hurts so fucking bad I don't mean to be a wimp or anything I'm trying my best to hold back my emotion but I'm really REALLY fucked up in the head. I've had a difficult life and family full of mentally ill characters. It's really rare that I open up to someone and really put myself out there for someone like I did with this girl. I fell for her so quick and our relationship moved very quickly. I just wish I could do things over and take things slower. I wish we never had the sort of slow, intimate, "love-making," type sex, I wish I didn't remember what it sounded like to hear her say my name. I'm doing OK functioning I can put on a mask decently well but whenever I'm alone I'm just so fucking depressed I can hardly stand it. I was so much more into this girl than I thought I was I took her for granted fuckfuckfuckfuck. I feel like an immature idiot. I'm normally a very mature person and have been looking out for myself for a really long time. I've had a lot more responsibility than most kids my age, alot of family issues are thrust upon me that are just crushing. Then shit like this which I should just be able to forget affects me terribly. I just wish I had more control over myself in situations like this.
I mean, you have to realize that you did this to yourself. You chose to end it. Maybe try and look at it from that perspective.
Think of tthis as your new beginning. Shit you can use my post as a mark. Anyone can come out in this world to give you inspiration as a brother, im here to tell you that you are okay, and regardless of what you think, this is your new beginning. Look at your past and laugh , because you're okay and the only certain thing in the present and future. Congratulations on your new life brother ...
You have chosen a new road, the old one of which you came is no longer traversable, best would the remaining path you have set before you and move on.
You're a fucking goof, OP. You were given some solid advice in the other thread, you were warned not to do anything stupid, and then you ignored it and did this. I'm not trying to kick you while you're down, just making sure you understand how badly you fucked up and why. You were told how to handle it, had it explicitly spelled out for you, and then just went up and did some juvenile shit like this. You knew what you were supposed to do and were able differentiate it from what you wanted to do, right from wrong, but you got all emotional and went with "want" instead of "should." Work on that, man. =/
In the last thread he mentioned he has trouble controlling his anger. And that pillow shit was pretty weird, she probably thought he became unhinged or w/e and thought he might overreact.
That's fucked OP, if your ever gonna do something like that you say it to the persons face, you dont write it on an object of their possession and then throw it at them and when you wanna do that obviously whatever you have to say isnt worth saying. It's not that your fucked in the head or something OP its that your stinky fuckin anger issues bullshit have always given you an excuse to lash out and everyone just goes "Yeah, thats the way he is" When thats not the way you are. I used to have crazy anger issues as well, i used to bottle things up like crazy to the point where if a kid just whispered the wrong thing in my ear me and him were scrapping in the classroom infront of everybody without any warning at all. And yeah, theres consequences for getting angry and deciding not to manage your shit..This is how people end up in jail, do something fucking retarded when they get mad and since every other time people have just tolerated it they think nothings gonna happen. And don't ever EVER call a woman a cunt again you fuck. "I got angry!" Thats some weak ass shit, get your shit together.
Saying you have all these problems isn't an excuse. Im sure a lot of people lives are a lot harder than yours. You did this to yourself and now you must pay the price. You fucked up now move on and learn from it. U had sex with a girl that had a boyfriend... Thats low man and u probably think your a player don't u? Your getting what u deserve and honestly i don't feel bad for u one bit.
Being that it was a small novel I did not read the op. But my instincts tell me let this gal go, move on with your life for the love of God. There are plenty of other women out there and none of this will matter in five years.