Just a minute ago I was watching a live performance on youtube of a band that used to be my favorite about 4 years back. I hadn't looked these guys up for ALONG time and was shocked at how differently I saw them. When I was into them I thought they were the coolest people. I thought the guitarist was badass and I wanted to be like him and I let them influence me so much. Now that I look at them now I see how lame that band was and how lame and arrogant the guitarist was. can't believe I actually looked up to them. Earlier today I was thinking back to highschool and about how I used to pick on some little gay kid named Josh. Me and my friends used to make fun of him because he only hung out with girls and watched laguna beach and girly MTV shows like that. We would make fun of him so much that he would cry. At the time me and my friends thought we were badass but now that I look at it we were fucking assholes. That kid was probably going through some tough shit, not knowing where to fit in and all that, and we were making his life a living hell. I want to write that damn kid a letter and apologize. Fuck, man. I can't believe I used to act that way. Have you ever taken the time to reflect about who you used to be and realize how much you have changed?
I've only grown farther apart from the ordinary. I no longer seek the same most people seek and have, individually, become much more stable. Always had a pretty sensitive heart, and for those that I have done harm to I have realized and apologized to. Although again, I am still rather ignorant of my own condition and wish that that which is important in terms of the heart I were to be made aware of. It is actually rather scary to reflect on my experiences in the past year or so. The experiences in themselves just seem so spaced and dark, in a gruesome and awesome manner. My life is quickly fading away and it just seems like I've grown out of so much social B.S that I find it harder to deeply connect with individuals. I guess it seems like everyone around me has been too conditioned by society to start thinking freely and thus only emitting a sense of fear. Phew, the day I meet another who faces themselves deeply and honestly, and thus faces others deeply and honestly, my world will know a tad of peace. I wish there was more heart around the emptiness of my life. It just seems like even the closest friends of mine are running around like chickens with their heads cut off, never being able to touch the intriguingly deeper and darker aspects of themselves and reality. I find it kind of sad, but it is only my musing and thus my twist. I will live the knowledge and thus I will die with the knowledge and guilt of watching my friends masquerade their lives away. And in an ultimate sense, I am not much different. Only wish I could bring my heart out more and tell everyone what I truly feel with no sense of awkwardness or insecurity. Much love city, you guys are some of the greatest in my life.
That's the wonder of this thing we call life. Everything changes. We are not the same from moment to moment, literally. But it sometimes takes a particular experience, where we come face to face with what we were or used to be, in order to realise quite how much we have. What I find to be so magical about the way life is, is that this never stops, there's always more to realise, to become, and in realising and becoming, it becomes ever more wondrous. I've experienced many things, some of which I've posted on here, that have given me the humblest of feelings. Where I can feel small, blessed, loved, part of the whole, and uniquely individual, all at the same time. As I discover more of who I am, these things occur more and more frequently. I'm never truly alone, even when I feel that way. I am always with you, even if you never know it. It is the similarity of the journey that I find so interesting. The shared spirit that I can feel so strongly. In all my travels around this planet, the thing that has been revealed to me so clearly is: unity, similarity, joy, love, acceptance, inquisitiveness, learning, understanding, sharing. The thing that stops people feeling and expressing that is fear. We are all expressions of one thing, and it is this that enables us to experience ourselves as separate and individual. I understand how fear is simply an expression of myself through a belief system that is out of alignment with who I am. That same energy, expressed differently, is felt as excitement, joy, love, connection, acceptance. That is our natural state, our true state. Those people yet to understand this, those people who still choose to live with and in fear, who are being manipulated by people with their own agenda not to be able to see things any other way, will soon be able to do so.
consciousness continues while individual lives end.. we=self ripples expand violently, the rock settles, equilibrium regains EDIT:because it was always gonna be that way
The longer I live, the closer I move towards that dark little corner to be alone. There used to be a time when I cared so much. Had so many hopes and dreams. Now life seems so empty and boring. I live to see what will come next. Anything. As each day passes, I become more and more selfish. I find myself not fitting in with anyone around me. It's sad from one perspective, but I love it more and more each day. Giving me more strength, and lightening the weight on my shoulders. With so much going on in this existence, it's easy to get lost and forget that I, myself, am an individual. All the energy I've given out before did nothing but drain me, and I never got anything in return. People hate the standout, but it's much easier to fit in and be amongst people who can relate to you. I don't want revenge, I want more success, and if that earns me more hate, I'd love it. In the past I looked in the mirror and saw a hero, now I look in the mirror and I see me. Surrounded by chaos. A hero to few, and a villain to many. I'm my own everything tho
Guess it could be sooner, but i tend to only reflect on things like that come birthday time.. Then i sit and think about how ive grow in the past year and i amaze myself every year! lol
There are people out there like that man. Very few, but they are there. You will find one. When I started taking my first real steps to awakening I began to slowly cut myself off from others, due to the realization that almost everyone around me was very asleep, and even worse, in fear. The anger and hatred that they felt so strongly was due to a deep fear of loss, loss of love and acceptance usually. With this is mind you must realize that you cannot rebuke them, but only feel sympathy for them because despite their outward actions, they are still scared children who are still looking for meaning in things other than themselves and will not change. They will not change, because they are not meant to. With enough time, you will eventually come across another individual who, although maybe not fully, will be awake. For me, I have found a person like this. Her name is Jenn. She is not even aware of the fact that she is more awake then almost anyone else I have seen. To her, she just lives her life happily. She knows on a very deep level the futility of man, albeit subconcious, and has stripped away most of the shackles of being in existence. She does not view this knowledge in a negative way, but instead allows herself to be free and happy.With this acceptance of her true nature, she is able to be truly kind and loving to everyone no matter how they treat her or who they are. Because of this, she is a like a shining light wherever she goes. She is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen because of this and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. What you will realize is that you will NEVER be content with the world, because we are truly not of this world. We are god. God is love, and the only way to feel true happiness, is to love. Don't worry, you are still on your path. A path that will take you exactly where it is meant to go. Peace
Even in the past few months, the change in me has been astronomical. Dynamic existence is sweet. If you aren't moving forward, even if you are standing still, you are relatively moving backwards.
It's always nice reading about people going through the same experiences. I'm not alone in the nut house. Anyone else feel they have a mission?
Makes me wish I was a monk far away in the jungle... I hate knowing that my opinions and persona that I stand by so firmly today will be irrelevant even to me soon enough.
I've grown so much from what I used to be.. I used to try to fit in with everyone and I would put certain people as heroes to me and try to be like them.. but in the past few years I've just realized how pointless that is and stupid too, we're all our own unique person. I still get judged by people because I listen to different music than them - it amazes me because I used to be like them too, a close-minded douche.. yeah awesome that I've changed a lot though
The reason that we all are going through this is because we are meant to. It's called becoming a man. Every man has to go through this and what results is something completely different than the kid that started. Think about it, how many grown ass men do you see worried if they fit in or thinking about petty bullshit? They know who they are, they know what they have to do, and they do it. We will all get there. We are growing as people and leaving childhood behind. Some grow faster than others, but the end result is the same. We are not children anymore.
[quote name='"esseff"'] That must be hard for others to keep up with.[/quote] Its hard for us to keep up with