Question about MJ

Sadly I just spent 2 hours typing a post that was quite long but it got deleted because I guess I logged out in the process lol.

Basically, I am an athlete in college with a 3.89 GPA. I used to smoke weed, and I just did again a few days ago after quitting for my summer internship.

Marijuana has done many things for me. It is when I'm high that I see right and wrong.

I was high when I realized that I needed to end a bad relationship that I thought would go on forever. Two years of sex, fighting, love, and hate. I was high when I realized this foor the first time, but I think it was more that I was able to be a man and accept it.

I'm a very jealous person. When I am high I see things very clearly and there is no room for jealousy. I can't make these feelings go away when I'm sober no matter how hard I tell myself not to be jealous.

I was high when I realized that my loved ones are all I have. That I should begin to treat them right.

I was high when I realized that I have potential to do great things in the world. Before then I just didn't care.

The first time I ran 7 miles, I was high. I never would have thought it possible sober.

The first and ONLY times that I have ever been in competition and wasn't worried about losing is when high. The only moments that i've had tight muscles, racing heart speeds, and true victory was when I was high. When sober I am too pre occupied with insecurities.

The only time I can comfortably talk to girls is when I'm high. Sober I am still out going, but it is very forced and often times leads to awkwardness.

Basically, it feels like there is two me's. There is a me that worries. He puts things off, tells himself that he can't, he shouldn't. There's no time for his mind to wander and ponder, because there's always something to stress about. Constantly self concious, constantly asking what-if.

Then there is another me. This is the me that says maybe you shouldn't have that next beer. This is the me that wants to go to sleep at a reasonable time. This is the me that wants to give my all to everything I do. This is the me who wants to hit the weights and work hard. This is the me that I remember from childhood. This is the me that is gifted with sports, music, and academics. This is the me that gets (much less than it used to) ignored.

From being high many times and pondering life I have taken on a much better work ethic. I eat overly healthy meals now. I am in great shape, running and lifting on the daily. I study now, I want to keep my GPA high. BUT there's still the depression, the feeling of running into a brick wall, the knowing that there's something else for me out there.

When I am high I feel like I can really be a professional athlete. Take for instance in a tennis match.

Sober, I am worried about losing. My first thoughts are about how good this kid looks, how I hope he doesn't ace me, how I'd better do this and that and don't mess up.

When I play a match high.. that part of me is shut off. My muscles are twitching. My posture is perfect. I am connected with the Earth. my muscles are tensed and ready, I can feel the electric currents going through them and it feels like an orgasmic massage over my whole body.

There is no thought of losing. There is only strategy. There is no room for negativity...when a negative thought appears it doesn't even take hold.. it floats away much like my sober positive thoughts do. I am not intimidated. I am willing to work hard.. I don't get winded. Sober I get winded and discouraged.. high I have never been too winded to stop being positive.

I also played professional quake. The only time I was a true competitor, the only time my heart pumped so hard mid-fight and my muscles tensed was when I was high. Other times I just worry about losing.

Girls are the most simple thing in the world when I am high. They are just fellow humans, so easy to talk to, so easy to walk away from. So easy to make them laugh, so easy to show them that I like them.

When I'm sober the only thing I try to do is show the girl that I don't like her which obviously protects me from any rejection that I can't stop thinking about.

I don't get it.

How is it that when I'm high, everything is so smooth and slow. When I study high and take tests high, I critically think so much better. It's not that I do so much better (although I probably do.. but I do well anyway), it's just that the tests are so much easier.

Basically, I feel gifted when I'm high. I can do anything, and there's not a spot for a negative or depressing thought. No room anywhere. The thoughts I have, the ideas. The determination and dedication. The soul and spirit.. I am a good singer high.. I am too shy to sing to myself in the mirror when I'm sober (yet feign a very outgoing person in real life).

The only thing is.. I'm an athlete. I'm a college student. I can't smoke (I know, edibles). I'm afraid that I'll use too much.

Every time I let myself get back into weed, it becomes a daily habbit and therefore much harder to reach that focused zone day after day. I begin to use it for that dead focus, I can't be disturbed from whatever I'm doing it's so amazing.

But then it gets harder and harder, and eventually I can't get that focus back.. that just being one with everything else feeling.

I have researched and tried meditation. I haven't tried any drugs because I don't like medication.

Does anybody know where I'm coming from? It's like I know that there is the amazing mind, this amazing person locked inside of me. I know that I am capable of calming my mind, calming my breathing, tensing my muscles, being one with myself and the world. I am capable of letting my mind wander (oh it's so wonderful how my mind wanders through amazing idea after idea that I'll never remember) when I'm high. My mind is my friend rather than my enemy.

Do I have ADD? ADHD? Bipolar? I've never felt sick or anything, but I do know (and I see it in all of my family members and family) that I am very self concious. I am very sensitive to other peoples' opinions. I allow myself to be weak-willed at times. The things I can do in the weight room when I'm high makes my sober self shiver with fear.

I know I am capable of so much. I know that this state of mind is within me and I am capable of it. I'm convinced that it's not a product of the marijuana, but that the marijuana is a key that lets me unlock the door.

Is there any insight? Is getting high my only help? I don't mean to sound self satisfying, but I think that I'm gifted. I really do and when I'm high it comes out.

eg. Back in 3rd grade I was 1st chair in the middle school band as a flute player. This was before my family started moving around a lot and I began my recession into shyness and self-conciousness. I was made fun of at new schools, my flute was taken apart and hidden many times, and I quit.

I pick up a guitar now and I'm alright. When I get high I play things that make my friends freak (friends that play as well). I can't do it sober (well I can, but I don't know HOW).

This is the same with athletics and academics. I know I have the power.. is marijuana the only key?

Thank you

 

Thank you for all of the info - Storm I will check out those links (the article on Cannabis deficiency is very interesting).

As a good example of what I mean again, if I want to do homework right now, I'll probably spend 30 minutes on the computer. I'll do this and that, make dinner, hit the gym or go for a run. Then I'll do the homework.

Say, on the other hand, I get high with the intention of playing video games. I'll be all pumped and in the zone, thinking of nothing else. Then the thought of homework pops up, and I instantly get up (not even questioning my decision) and begin cracking the books. I'll comb through the textbook looking for complete understanding of a topic, my writing will be neat and structured. I'll have complete and total interest in what I am doing.

Not only will I be learning new concepts, but I'll be using them.

For example, when I took a lot of calculus for engineering. I never did homework, I always figured that I inherently hated math and didn't do well at it. I'd get B+'s and A-'s in my math classes.

The times that I attempted my differential equations homework stoned.. it was a whole new outlook. Math explained everything around me. Every part of it was a puzzle that kept me engaged and excited for the next problem. I was excited for the next math problem.... whattt? As I combed my text for detailed explainations.. I would begin to see all of the 'connections' that math teachers always talk about.

Math for me has always been remember this equation.. remember that equation.. do this and that to get the answer. When I approach math high.. I see how things come together. I understand what is going on and I develop a THIRST for greater understanding. Again everything is strategic, a puzzle!

When I am high I allow things to blow my mind. I have been so excited and amazed by the simplest documentaries.. from space to animals to dinosaurs. I haven't allowed anything to blow my mind since I was a kid and it's amazing.

I have dreams of astrophysics. I KNOW that if I was the person who I am when high.. I'd love every minute of it. The problem is all that I can see is hard work and not a lot of opportunity for employment. I know the high me would make opportunity.


I am convinced that if I can think like this while high that there must be a way to unlock it sober. At times I can.. almost get into that zone. If I work hard to push everything else out of my head I begin to enter into it.. but things just get too overwhealming. Frusturation, negativity, worry, self conciousness.. it all piles up on me and before I know it my focus is blown.

When I'm high none of those things are even an issue. Not an issue! Unless I'm paranoid about having super red eyes around people or something lame like that.

I just hate the thought of 'relying' on marijuana for this feeling. I have fantasies about just buying ounces of mids and making brownies or THC pills (again, no smoking for me anymore) and popping them every time I start to come down.

The things that worry me about that is the money I'd spend. Also, is that me? Is the high me really me? Or do I just convince myself that it's how life should be. It also makes me a changed person. I am usually very, very sensitive to other people. I never have a decision, I'm not good at saying goodbye while hanging out with friends incase they want me to stay longer.. that kind of stuff.

When I'm high it's just a no brainer.. if I want to do something I'll have no problem telling ANYBODY that I'm out, catch you later. and I don't analyze every aspect of our hanging out on the way home lol.

I'm convinced that if I can do this while high I can do it while sober.. there's some kind of mental boundary that I can't overcome and I'd love to figure it out! I'll start reading those articles, Storm, thank you.

Thanks for the replies, more suggestions or personal experiences would be awesome.

ALSO --> drug testing as an athlete and professional...

 

Yeah I've been through it both for internships and competition. I never have a problem stopping, I just miss how it made me feel. For a while I'm very proud of myself and motivated to never use again but I'll eventually try it and like it again (like just recently). I don't plan on getting back into the habbit although I would love to try eating some.

 

Amazing list Storm, very well done. That must have taken a lot of work, I appreciate it and I'm sure many others do as well.