Poem i wrote

Discussion in 'The Artist's Corner' started by lostinnowhere, Apr 28, 2009.

  1. Let me start out by saying i dont normally write poems. I did for school a while back but never had it as a hobby or anything like that. I normally draw. One day i just sort of popped this out of my head. tell me what you think!

    It's been aproximately five days since you left the shade of the tree where I wanted to sleep with you,
    But you had so many secrets you had to keep with you,
    Your face always blank; not sure of your emotion,
    But you always held my hand so I sort of had the notion
    That you had some sort of feeling towards me
    Or maybe you thought my hand felt too lonely
    So you assumed you had to give it company,
    but you were wrong
    I can live all on my own, as it was shown
    before I met you, I talked to few
    But i was content with life
    Not turning to the knife,
    Just turning to a counselor
    She acted like the person you were
    after you left me by that tree;
    The grass comforting my thighs oh so delicately
    But I didnt notice a thing, Not the comforting air of spring
    nor the pretty color of the cardinal's wing
    Just you looking awkward and confused
    I felt abused
    Because I really thought maybe that whole time you didn't care
    But approach you did I dare?
    Yes, I did, But you pushed me away like you were about to cry
    But when I looked, there were no tears in your eyes,
    So all I did was look to the sky,
    and flew
     
  2. Any one have an opinion?? ;(
     
  3. #3 Stoogemeister, Apr 29, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 29, 2009
    I think its fucking awesome no joke. One suggestion though on the last sentence put it as and fly instead of and flew. That will wrap that shit up nicely man good job. :smoking:

    Edit: i would rep you but apparently I've given out too much in the part 24 hours lol
     
  4. great job. i agree with changing flew to fly.
     
  5. I feel there is too much telling without enough showing. For the most part, readers like to discover the meaning for themselves through description, and lineup of events in a poem, versus being told what the poet thinks... you get what I'm saying? You should use the power of words to show a feeling, not tell a feeling.

    Besides that, much of the rhymes work well. Poetry is a great form of expression, keep it up, man!


    Oz.
     
  6. Lovin the feedback!! I get what everyones sayin with the change flew to fly, but i always end with something that doesnt rhyme on the few occaisions i write, But i will try next time! and also I will try to tell less and leave it up to the reader to decide because I love when movies are like that haha
     

Share This Page