One step away from a nervous breakdown

How does everyone do it?

I'm 23 starting a business, failing miserably. I can Barely eat it solids makes me sick to the stomach / I need to make sure my girlfriend and dogs are fed.
I have way more dept than income and everything is adding piling on more and more the more everything is slipping away, every month there's hundreds more of personal dept that piles because of interest. My grandfather is dieing ( the one man I looked up to for advice and truly loved ) everyone I helped and gave hundreds and hundreds to when they where struggling are no where to be seen. Everything is to much right now I don't ever want to be sober ( not that I have a choice in the matter I can't afford to feed my fucking self )
I don't know what to do I'm about to fuckin go off the rail I look for help from doctors or therapist they just try shove pills down my throat. Saying your just depressed pop a pill, it will help! at a sink or swim moment and there's no life jackets, and I can't fucking swim. I'm so fucked right now I work to much to get another job. There's no path that leads to good every way I try to work things out I fall further, I can't sleep I can't eat I'm so stressed I broke down in the shower shaking to shit, I don't want my girlfriend to see me like this she's sick and working to much to make ends meet and it's wearing her down and I can see it her eyes so dark and fucking lifeless now, so sick and tired, I failed her as a boyfriend / husband. I just want her to be okay and everything to be okay again...
How the fuck do people deal with this shit

 

Both comments are solid advice and I appreciate it. I understand what your saying I started cooking 15 then started full time and a half when I was 16 I was hooked, now realizing how much I lost and how much pressure I pushed on myself and, how much that can really screw with you. No it's my dream, I was a peice of shit when I was young on the road to behind bars, got into the shit crowds in the city. Always an outkast and couldn't stand school rather slit my wrist and pour acid on them then be in school couldn't handle social situations, or more or less have the patients for them.. anyway when I started the kitchen it became my home, there where people just like me, that are successful "part of society " ( even though we really aren't ) and most of all not always happy nor rich, or have greatest habits. But always where content, cooking is addictive I get off so much on huge rushes, the adrenaline just pours like you just sniffed 4 lines of coke ( not that iv ever done I hate any uppers I like me beer and weed) and the cooking aspect it's never perfect you can always improve it's a chasing the dragon career. You can never stop improving and it's a improving of flavour product satisfaction and riches. and it drives me so much, everything is to fucking preppy and proper and by books once you learn it you repeat it there's no love it's horrible ( not everything else but quite a fuck load )
But unfortunately when I got this offer ( which they had red seal chefs and shit apply for it, they chose me ) I was broke as a mother fucker already and quite literally about to lose everything. I got this and it did save me, and I'm making more than before but I'm at a point I'm so broke it's hard to get out of this swamp I fell into, everytime I pay something, something else sky rockets. It's such bullshit

 

Seems to be the trend now a days yup

 

That's very true, thanks yah I applied 5 restaurants and each one called back the next morning before 9am.
I worked in one recently I just can't. I turn into a evil prick because of the stupid assholes I work with then boss loves me puts all the pressure on me because I'm not a retarded fuck. And I get zero benefit from it. I am sick of being bosses play toy to run they're kitchen for nothing.
And I get so aggressive and pissy, but I can't not there's so many idiots now a days, no one takes any pride at all. Lazy fat unmotivated gits. It's not just a job you do, to be good you must want it.
I guess that's the advice I should be telling myself right now

 

Also thanks again what u said did some how kinda clear my head

 

''Tis indeed, i am shitty at ignoring problems. I let it eat at me like a cancer. Maybe doctor is right I have anxiety or what ever but it's in reality a obsession I always ( since cooking ) continuously thrived to be better person and make a career out of this passion. And when shits wrong I need to fix it, it drives me up the wall thinking all night about it, massive loads dumping on me like that just sends me to ludicrous places. Then my girlfriend (essentially my wife we are common law and we both dedicated we just don't give a fuck about getting married, what's something to be proud of more, married legally bind then kids and stuck 10 years, or couple no rings no legal shit and no obligations together for 10 years , and together cuz u luv each other and that's good nuff) of course she's what keeps any fire lit inside of me and my drive. And right now I feel like I'm failing her, and it's killing me.

 

Thanks peace & love buddy

 

Also looked up self goal thing on google I agree its corny, but it's solid

 

Most definetly man, yah I learn everything the hard way, it's the way it roles
And to add I feel I didn't explain myself very well. I don't work for anyone anymore, I got offered a opportunity to open my own restaurant (bar in area that had a large professional not being used as last person ditched went to Greece, why he went back to that horrible place idk, but that's a Greek for ya) and didn't have anyone over it anymore.
It's my kitchen now as well I can open a full restaurant downstairs so that's cool.
And good news! I found someone to help me out he knows the crowd better than me and has much more experience, he's gonna help me out with this and try to make it happen for me out of kindness of his heart / if it works out we can run the kitchen together

 

Cheers.


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So tonight's a good example a good day all together made lots of money good day with the wife etc. Lay in bed 2 hrs later just anxious as fuck, depression settles in, darkness floods the mind in the pit of sadness and desperate to find happiness, but gives into the sadness like a cheap whore giving into a job that you know will end badly. I don't know if it's my mind or family genetics or what is the fucking problem but it's driving me insane my life's going toward the right way but I still don't want to accept it. As anytime it looks good for me in the past, for love for education for happiness in general it fades away like the sun every day. At the point I haven't cried in years, I am so numb so broken I just don't know what to do at this point