Once I start to get high

I feel love more, sometimes only at all, once I start to get high. Even a little bit high, which is all I need at the moment, is enough to allow that feeling to come through. So why should this feeling often be missing, or at least this way of feeling it, unless I am?
\nI don't just mean a feeling as a physical thing, like something one might feel before having sex with someone new, I mean a realisation of a connection.
\nI know you are real. I feel you. Even when i'm not talking to you. I CAN talk to you even though you can't hear me, and I sometimes use technology to make sure you can later.
\nAs I start to feel this way, those who matter to me come into view. An idea might appear connected to what's going on for you right now, perhaps reveal something to make a difference. I feel I want to tell you, and will choose to either write or speak in some way NOW. I won't tell myself I will contact you or send you a message later, no matter how much I believe I will do so, because I don't know how I will feel later. I only know how I feel now. I do not want to hold the idea that I must do something in the future either.
\nI reach out, making the connection more and more real, and a stream of consciousness comes out where I know i'm revealing the truth about myself, how I see you, this or that. Not because you have to hear what I might say, but because you have, in a way, inspired it. Or at least I have wanted you to, by opening to revealing what wants to come out, what will come out, what does come out.
\nWhere I sometimes go wrong is to feel like I have nothing more to say, and rather then stop, save, post, whatever, I read it back, looking to edit what might need editing, and in doing so, get involved with what I said, because if the person who inspired it must read these words too, I ought to make sure they are what I want to say. Thing is, they must have been, otherwise why did I say them?
\nWhat I also don't realise, is in going back over what's been said, I take myself back to what for me, is my past. I am not meant to be in the past, so in doing that, I lose where I am now in order to make sure I get there again. Because by editing my words, even for the typing mistakes they contain, makes me doubt that what was said was right.
\nIf i'm going to bring something different through, I cannot edit what appears, and more importantly, I cannot be in a state of mind where I am tempted to.
\nWhatever comes through is what I said. There is no need to read it because I can't change that. If I change anything, I change the thing as a whole, and the whole is made up of the sum of its unique parts.
\nIt's not that everything I have to say has great meaning, but a mind that is open to meaning is created by being in it as much as possible.
\nThat is why I am where I am. That is what this part of my journey is about. I have realised the editing thing many times along the way, yet each time have lost it again. Was it habit, fear, I don't know. But each time I find what feels like the secret to what works for me, I am not the same person who found it previously.
\nWhat does it mean not to edit? Well, I keep saying I prefer to be honest. Reveal myself because I have nothing to hide. So it reveals me differently. But even as I write these words now, the possibility to make those kind of mistakes is not present, as the way I write this stops that from happening. It is clear. It is present. It feels realer than doing it the other way, where the little me, the ego, takes responsibility for the final cut.
\nNow I know why I can feel so disconnected - I was doing something to stop it from being so, I even recognised how much I felt myself needing to do things myself.
\nSo in finally realising how i've been, the reason for being this disappears. That realisation causes, and is the cause of, everything.
\nNow, there has to be a lot of moments where i'm not doing this. There is no possibility of just revealing myself constantly. It is easy once I find something that was missing, to want to use it, be with it, all the time. But there has to be balance. Time to let things be without doing anything. This is also my time for me. Walks. Sits. Looks. Sees.