Nutshell

Sometimes it's hard dealing with life. There are times when we are all thinking "Where did I go wrong?" or "Why me?"

Today was the tipping point for myself. I have been steadily dealing with all the curve balls life has been throwing me for the 20 years I have lived, but today was just one of those days where you wonder what the point of it all is.

Before I get the replies telling me of ways to deal with my life, I just want to say that I am in no way looking for help or answers, though I do appreciate the effort and the concern. I am just merely venting, as GC is the only place I have left to vent to.

I have been trying hard these last few months to get a job at a particular corporation my family has been closely involved with for decades; a job that pays very well and offers benefits and the whole lot. The problem is that I am epileptic, and the job I have applied for (and the one that I have the experience and skills for) is safety sensitive, and therefore I cannot get the job until I have been seizure free for at least 5 years. Only after months of trying to get this job do I finally get told that I can't get the job because of my health. This applies to may other jobs I have been applying for as well.

I swear it is pissing me off to no end. I am physically a strong man and I have work experience and education specifically for trades based jobs. But because I am epileptic, that has all gone to shit. I am not a very academic person, and I never will be, despite what some may think. I know I will find a way to get by, but Christ I swear this world is just trying to kill me off.

I had a thread a few months ago about a very similar problem regarding my epileptic condition, but I was eventually able to deal with it until this load of shit came up. But despite the rant, my real problem is much more personal, and it was the breaking point for me.

My youngest cat, Shitrock, died this morning.

He was killed by my neighbors' two dogs. He was in the hospital, and I was supposed to go and pick him up today, but his brain started swelling and he died from head trauma this morning. Barely a year old. An active, fun loving cat, one who could make you laugh from his crazy antics but was very affectionate and would always be with you when you were down.

I saw him today before he was cremated. It crushed me. I held him in my arms, his body limp and lifeless, his eyes half open. I looked into them, and saw within an emptiness and coldness that made me break down to tears. I was nearly inconsolable for the whole day, and even now I feel like my life has a gaping hole in it.

Hell, I was even considering suicide for a little while, I was so down from the accumulation of the events going on in my life that I felt I had no purpose or hope, that life and death were trivial, meaningless, and fleeting.

But life goes on, as will I. I refuse to let this world shit on me any longer. I will become successful. I will find content and happiness in my life. This I promise myself, and I will succeed, even if it takes near my entire life.

Thank you for reading this. Even if you didn't, I feel better just letting it out.

Rest in Peace, my dear Shitrock. I hope you find peace.

 

I'm grateful I still have my other 2 cats, Eclipse and Stripes, and my German Shepherd, Poochie... Though Pooch may not have too many years left.

I'm trying to restructure what I'm expecting out of life, and for now I think that getting myself a trailer or a cheap house to live in and a steady job anywhere but the fast food industry will be a realistic goal for now. I just want to live in peace and enjoy my friends, pets, family, hobbies, and of course my favorite herb.

On a positive note, I do get my license back at the end of March, as long as I don't seize out again...