Need some mature and real advice right now please. Long read but any advice is good.

I figure it's best to ask a bunch of strangers who don't know anyone in this situation for advice

I made a thread a few days ago about my ex "Nick" breaking up with his girlfriend. Basically Nick and I dated for almost two years straight. He was seventeen and I was nineteen when we started dating. I lived with him at his mom's house since my family life wasn't that great and we spent every single day together. Pros about him and us: He was the only person I ever put any trust or love into. He was the only person to ever truly care about me. He would make me breakfast in bed, wake up and cover me in kisses so I wouldn't have any nightmares, came to all of my track meets, brought me to my counseling sessions, always had a bowl pack or a dutch ready for me when I got out of school or work. We share a lot of similar viewpoints on the world and have some good, intelligent conversations. He's my first love and he will always have a special place in my heart despite all the negatives.

Everything between us at first was amazing because we hadn't discovered our flaws yet. We were so in love that it got to the point it was almost suffocating. We got way too obsessive about each other and very possessive. Neither of us had a Facebook and he wouldn't let me make one. I had no social life other than hanging around his friends, most whom I cannot respect because they're in their twenties with no job or maybe a job washing dishes and they mooch off other people, have no ambitions in life. Just not my scene at all. Forget me being allowed to go out to clubs with any girl friends or even having platonic guy friends. My life with Nick would of been very limited but I put up with it for a long time because I thought he just loved me a lot. Earlier in our relationship he lied to me about his ex coming over so he could sell her pot which I wouldn't of cared about if he just straight up told me. He also lied about other little stuff with girls like running into his ex or girls he hooked up with before. I found a stack of porn magazines he stole from his job and hid from me, like why did he have to hide it? I don't know, just some sketchy shit.

Anyway we started fighting and clashing a lot. Mostly after I turned twenty and he turned eighteen. I started working a lot and I went back to college. He worked at a restaurant two days a week for no more than four or five hours, sold pot on the side, and didn't do anything with school after he graduated high school. We were still living at his house and I got fed up with the situation. I realized I missed my freedom and wanted more out of life for myself. I deserved better. All he did was complain about me and scream at me and make me feel like shit. The fighting was getting out of control and I started not getting along with his mom anymore. In March I went on a trip with my school to Florida for Habitat for Humanity and that's when I opened my eyes to everything. I finally made a group of real friends that felt more like family. I got to see a different side of life and I loved it. I was FREE for the first time. My first or second night there he called me non stop, like sixteen times at one point. I couldn't take it anymore so I broke up with him while I was there which probably wasn't the best way to break up but I knew he wouldn't let me do it in person.

He always used to tell me that if I tried to leave him he would kill me or some shit but when I came home from the airport all my shit was on the steps of my parents'
house so obviously I moved in back there, continued with school, and started enjoying my new social life. We never talked after that but I knew he hated me. A month after we broke up I still stayed single but he got a new girlfriend, some gross go go dancer that had a two year old daughter. Keep in mind that after Nick and I broke up he was back on hard drugs and bringing his girlfriend's child around that. Keep in mind he was still eighteen taking care of some random bitch's baby. It was such a big "fuck you" to me, how are you going to be in love with someone like that and just jump into something new so fast? Even though we weren't together I told him I still loved him and cared about him and wouldn't go find a new boyfriend.

Here's where it gets more complicated. If I could describe the guy of my dreams I would say a tall white boy with a cute face, blue or green eyes, blonde hair, and tattoos. He would be into the same music as me, be mellow yet a ton of fun, make me laugh, treat me like a woman, respect me, and be as weird as I am (in a good way) and just down for whatever. I never thought I would find that, it was more of a fantasy like how guys say they would love to meet a fucking hot blonde with big tits and a nice ass and a great personality. Hard to find. Well I found him and the first night we hung out we hit it off. Only problem was he was leaving to go to basic training in the army in a week. We spent that entire week together like all day, every day and had a blast. The connection we formed in that period of time was unbelievable, it was the first time since my ex that I actually felt happy with someone else. He took me out to the movies, out to eat, introduced me to all of his friends, and we hung out with our mutual friends. We'd stay up all night talking about life and watching zombie movies. We'd even go to the gym and go running together, he is everything I could ask for and it was so hard watching him leave to go to basic training but we promised to stay in touch and I promised to stay single so we could be together when he got back but honestly I didn't put a lot of hope into that because I knew he'd be away for a long time.

A few days ago my ex and that girlfriend of his broke up so I stupidly contacted him in hopes of being friends and maybe smoking buddies or something, honestly I still missed and loved him even though I knew I shouldn't. I should of never contacted him. We ended up hanging out again and smoking and we hooked up at his house. Nobody knew about it because everyone hates us together. His friends think I'm a bitch and my friends and family tell me I deserve so much better and they don't like him at all. All those old feelings were still there but he was already getting jealous and he told me I was a cunt for breaking up with him and he was saying something about how he hits girls now, I couldn't tell if it was a joke or whatever but it kinda scared me. The second day we just smoked in his car and cruised. He kept saying he loves me so much and will never feel that way about anyone else and that he wants me back. Then the third day (yesterday actually) he had some white girl if you know what I mean and I was going to try it for the first time. When I went over there I had second thoughts about it because I have a lot going for me and I don't want to get into that lifestyle. He got mad about something and just started doing lines like crazy and getting angry. That's when I knew that I couldn't do it all over again with him anymore, he doesn't care about how much he self destructs and deep down I know I could never marry or have kids with someone like that. I ended up just straight up telling him about the other guy and he said I had to choose between them. I understand that part kind of. I asked him why couldn't we just be friends and on good terms and he said it wasn't going to work like that and he can't share me. He also said if I continued to talk to him bad things were going to happen. I started crying and said I had to think about it. He said hit him up in a week and let him know my decision.

Here's where it gets good. "Thomas", the army guy, is coming back anywhere from tomorrow to two more weeks now. He writes to me like every day and is having a tough time in the army, it's not what he expected and he just wants to come home and go to college and see me and his family. The letters he writes to me are so sweet. He tells me how he'd be dumb to pass me up and that I'm the first girl to make him all nervous and that I'm worth so much and he can't wait to go on all these trips together and he says that I'm all he talks about to his friends there and that I'm the only thing getting him through. We have so much in common. We want the same things out of life and we actually have a genuine friendship together. I know Thomas is the smarter choice and I know I'm going to pick him because I'm crazy about this guy. There was never a doubt in my mind that I'd rather be with Thomas because I know I deserve someone who treats me good and doesn't scream at me and fight with me.

I guess the problem is I feel like my heart is smashed right now. It's so hard walking away from your first love after you have a second chance to get it back. It's so hard loving someone so fucking much yet knowing that they're never going to be the right person for you. I feel so guilty because I feel like it's my fault for hurting him. I love him, I don't want to hurt him but I didn't want to lead him on either. Like I said, he was the only person I ever trusted or loved and sometimes I think about how much he cares about me and loves me and how good he treats me when he's not mad at me and I get scared that nobody will ever care about me or love me like that again. I don't want him to feel alone and be angry at everything. I just feel so torn, guilty, lost, and heartbroken right now.

Do you think I made the right choice? Any input? Anyone go through anything similar? Is my heart ever going to feel better? Ughh

 

Thank you so much for the advice everybody. All of you have valid points. Logic does make more sense than following your emotions and I'm still mad young so this is all confusing to me but I know what I need to do. I need to be a good role model for my younger brother, my older brother is in some halfway house six hours away and just got out of jail, has a son he can't take care of. I don't want to be wrapped up in the same lifestyle over and over. If I stayed with "Nick" I would just be repeating the cycle I grew up in.

 

No, I don't think I'm going to tell him because my ex doesn't play a role in anything anymore, I'm moving on from him regardless if I have someone else or not. I have to get over him for myself because he's not worth it.

 

Haha let's hope you're not an asshole then