need some help with current girl situation

Discussion in 'Sex, Love & Relationships' started by JOINToperation, Nov 1, 2008.

  1. #1 JOINToperation, Nov 1, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 1, 2008
    here's the story. back in june at work i meet this girl. nothing special, i get her attention by messing around, brush it off. fast forward to august one day, i come into work and she approaches me. we talk a little and we end up talking to each other after she finds me on facebook, then eventually on the phone. we eventually go watch a movie and spend a good day with each other. got to know each other better and begin to find an interest in each other. that same week im told by a couple friend that her boyfriend broke up with her earlier in the week (im friends with the ex, before i knew her). i figure i'm just have some good fun with her, and yeah i realize it probably won't last. go onto september we're still talking a good bit, hanging out, etc. she's still spending time with her ex and we're still hanging out as well. at this point we've gotten more and more comfortable aroudn each other and from what i can tell enjoy each others company. then one day she talks to me and talks about how her ex wants to get back with her, and has had like a revelation and wants to be with her, etc. and she wanted to know how i felt about it. i told her i had feelings for her and yeah it would be different, and things would be different between us as i am friends with her ex.

    well. i learned later that she did talk to her ex about the situation and how when he originalyl broke up with her, they agreed to seeing different people. at the time i didnt know this and i figured that i knew the ex, i know the girl, it'll be awkward, we had our fun, it's time to drop out while im still ahead. so she asks me about my feelings for her again a couple days after and i tell her that while i've thought about it, those feelings weren't what i thought.

    we start to get distant and i dont really see much by it. whatever, it's done. but then the distance kind of draws us back together and even though she is back with her ex, we begin to spend time together again and getting close. at times it's awkward in regards to she is supposedly with her ex. but we continue to flirt and hang out. one night i kiss her on the cheek before she leaves and the next night she asks me what it meant. and i told her, i had feelings for her, but they just never burnt out. i didn't know how to take them the first time she asked me and thats why i denied them.

    after this point we kind of both express how we feel about each other. all again at the same time she is still back with her ex. it's weird as sometimes when im walking with her and her ex shows up and i feel its the right thing to leave the situation between them as i'm really just a 3rd party. in between we still talk a lot, we show a lot of likeness for each other , and things seem fine if not at their best between us. we talk about a lot of personal things, how good we are together, forming a rather close and open relationship. and it may seem awkward, but while all this time i tried to let her and her ex work it out i try to avoid her, as much as i hate it. i think she notices this and she calls me, she suggests to hang out, because i think she knows im trying to not get in the way. i only call her when i've missed a call, etc. definetley signs she digs me, but to be honest my response remained limited, but opinionated after thinking about her situation with her ex and how i still didnt want to break that apart. i let her make the suggestions and plans and just went along.

    now ultiamately fast forward to yesterday, i guess some of her ex's friends have been seeing me and the girl getting closer, and they tried to give the "heads up" to the ex on whats going on. the ex talks to the girl and argues with her about how me and her act around each other and how he pretty much wants to end their relationship. she talks to me about it and how we flirt a lot and how from now on we need to tone it down because she wants to still work things out with her ex. she apologizes for ever misleading me an

    at this point i realize she obviously and ultimately still wants to work things out with her ex, so i leave her be. i dont get upset with her, i knew this was going to happen all along, the question was just when. and so i told her that this would be fine, i'd give her the space she needed to try to repair what she had with her ex. and that is what i plan to do. i wont flirt, suggest, or do anything that brings us any closer than friends.

    the only question im having now is what exactlyi should do...i mean i felt that we shared something during this time that led up to yesterday. i can't describe it, but we cared for eahc other, teased each other, let each other know that we preferred to spend time with eahc other, talking to each other, and i thought things were going smoothly.

    i feel this is going two ways, shes caught in between us and since the ex gave her an ultimatum, her only choice was to drop me out so things between them wouldnt go sour. or perhaps i've just always been the side guy and nothing more. she's gotten back with her ex, and thats that. maybe she wants to stay friends with me because if her ex every makes her unhappy, or if he dumps her again, then she has me left to run back to as a back up. that is exactly what i dont want to be, the guy who'll be there when you need him. i want her to like me because im me and not because her ex left her and im whats left.

    i promised that things wouldn't be awkward between us anymore, but i dont know. to go from keeping each others close company to having to "tone down", just doesn't seem feasible. i cant see that happening. i see myself just kind of ignoring her for a while.

    if what she describes it as just leading me on, maybe thats the best way to interpret it. maybe it's all been a mistake and simply a little clean-up has to be done. her and the ex can work things out and ill get on my way. i feel that at this point, if shes getitng back with her ex, i really cant handle just being friends with her. she says she still has feelings for me, which complicates things even more, but for now she wants to work things out with him.

    should i try to explore on those feelings, or just drop it and move on. if she really has feelings for me would she eventually end things with her ex. but with the current situation it seems like shes more interested in patching thing sup with the ex and having me as a secondary...


    sorry for the long read, but i still havnet included all teh details. i just need some venting, as no ones up at 3:41AM over here. thanks.

    + I've never verbally committed our relationship as anything more than friends with her no matter how close we've gotten as it's always while she's supposedly been back with her ex, and i found it out of my way, to put her in the position to commit to something "miscellaenous". and i dont know if thats why shes going back to her ex ebcause she doesnt believe i am really serious about a relationship. and i really regret if thats the reason, because if i knew she was serious about one, i would've talked to her about it. i know shes given me signs, but the fact shes still with her ex, has continuously refrained me from doing anything to advance what we are togehter, and it seems like its too late.
     
  2. Ha good old 4:00 am. Um, I'd say move on. I think i might've glossed over a couple sections, but it sounds like there is enough history that it just seems like would be a lot easier to just meet a new girl and start fresh. Baggage has a way of coming up again...
     
  3. how do you think i should react towards her? stay friends and still talk to her, or gradually and surely tune her out.
     
  4. also, if i realize things will be awkwrd between us honestly. should i tell her that. or just let it play out...i dont know.
     
  5. Well, I'd say you can be friends. If you two get along as well as you think, even without romantic implications you can enjoy each others' company. If something else happens and you decided you want to change the relationship, take charge so you don't just feel like an alternate. But let that build through friendship, and just take it as it comes.

    You may find that hanging out without flirting takes some of the pleasure of hanging out and you two could just naturally drift apart.:eek:
     
  6. i see your point. the thing is, with her and her ex trying to work things out. i doubt i'll get much time with her. in between these past months theres been times where she's seriously trying to get back with her ex and during those times i rarely am able to see her. its when she starts coming to see me that i finally get to become closer with her.

    and in this situation where she plans to patch up things with her ex...because of me, i feel that even us as friends might cause problems with this guy. and by friends im talking about he how're you doing, have a nice day?, cool., see you tomorrow. by far pretty boring conversation. like you said....maybe we'll just drift apart. if thats what life has in turn for me. so be it.
     
  7. #7 JOINToperation, Nov 1, 2008
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 1, 2008
    cliffs notes:

    -meet girl and we become interested in each other
    -later find out her ex broke up with her for the second time recently
    -i know her ex
    -we get to be close, but it seems shes still somewhat attached to her ex
    -ex tries to get back with her and she asks me how i feel about it
    -feel this means she's interested in giving her ex yet another chance, so i back out and they "unofficially" get back together
    -me and her become distant, but eventually get back to where we were before, close
    -one night i give her a kiss on the cheek before she leaves and she later questions why i did it, and i tell her that it was only now that i was sure of my feelings for her, and she seems at the time happy about it and kind of describes her relation with her ex as not really to worry about.
    -we talk a lot and she always hints at how she rather spend time/talk with me than most people
    -always trys to get us to do something together, etc.
    -flirt a lot verbally, physically
    -theres lots of time where i have found the window to up the step of intimacy and i feel that we both would consent, but i never bring myself to it as shes still somewhat with her ex and while im not sure if shes always waited for me to make a move, i found the right times, but the underlying circumstance with the ex prevented me from doing anything
    -ex's friends see me and her getting close, tell the ex, and he gets into an argument with her about us and wants to end whats between them
    -girl doesnt want it ended and wants to work it out, so tells me we have to tone down what we've had going on and says she still has feelings for me and shes sorry if she's mislead me and gotten me into this
    -i tell her that if thats what she wants, then theres not much i can do and will agree to stay friends with her still

    most of this time whats gone on between us has been coming from her. i knew the situation and saw her ex and her trying to form something, and anything that happened between us i only moved after she moved. and i just thought she showed interest in me.

    now is just the question what do i do at this point. i feel im being put aside for when things go bad between her and her ex, or in this case im going to be there in the even he yet again dumps her. do i move on and just gradually ignore her, or do i stick around and stay friends...
     
  8. let her go bro. If you stick around you're just gonna torture yourself.
     
  9. im in hte same type of problem, infact im gonna make a thread about it after i post this.But you really have two choices and no one here can tell you what to do but these are the choices


    1-Do everything in your man power to become her boyfriend, at first this will be akward and bumpy but eventually it should smoothe out. if you take this path you'll most likely end up fighting her ex and there will be some hardcore tension

    2-Drop her completely, with things like these there is no possible way to make it non-akward, in the back of your head you'll always be thinking about it when your with her, it wont work out, so you gotta drop her


    pretty much, either choose one extreme or the other, they each have their pros and cons, i would personnaly give the first choice a shot but you have to kinda bend these to your life.

    (ps: if you decide to go for it, buy her flowers, she'll fucking be all over you)
     
  10. fuzz, thats exactly what i've been contemplating. this can go one of two ways. i think we definetley had something going and perhaps it was on me for not expressing my side enough. and maybe nows the time to give it one last shot, as late as it is.

    or option 2 like you said, just drop it and move on.
     
  11. my opinion on the situation is... you can burry your feelings and be friends or you can drift apart....... drifting appart dont always work tho you can drift apart and then right back together........
     
  12. A few months ago I liked this girl that had an on and off boyfriend. Me and the boyfriend started fighting over her and she didn't know what to do. It seemed like she was going to choose her boyfriend over me, but I did all I could to try to get her to pick me instead. It didn't work and I ended up losing her as a friend. I'm happy with my decision because I can look back and say at least I tried, but I also regret it because I messed up our friendship.

    So what I'm trying to say is, go for it at the risk of losing her as a friend.
    Or stay friends with her, but you're always gonna wonder "what if?"
     

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