need life changing advice

Discussion in 'General' started by JobCorps, Jan 20, 2010.

  1. okay well i've been thinking about this for a while and figured i ask for advice

    background on me: well i lived with my gma since i was little never she works alot to provide for me so didnt have time to show interest in anything i did. I dont blame her she did her best for me and i love her for that

    but this leads to my problem. like everytime i go out with a girl i get attached and i want them to love me idk i guess cuz i never feel loved at home even though i am and i put this on my g/f's and that usually leads to us breaking up because if they dont act a certain way i get mad and dont trust them

    im tired of not being able to trust a girl and not being able to just believe when she tells me something rather then needing proof or what not. I guess this has to do with self esteem issues

    i mean its not like im not a good looking guy i get alot of girls(not to sound cocky) my girlfriends at first think im really confident and what not because im pretty good looking. but when they get to know me they realize i have no confidence in myself or what i do and am insecure and im tired of being this way and want help!!!
  2. If I were you, I'd try to build self-confidence in other ways than dating before I started being concerned with relationships. That way, you know you can be confident with yourself on your own, rather than being confident because of what someone else tells you or makes you feel. Best of luck!

  3. i feel you man.
  4. that sad truth is that it's human nature for us to have a tendecny to always act in our own self-interest. your girlfriend is going to do whatever she feels like in the end and there is no way you will be able to stop it.

    Part of dating is making yourself vulnerable by opening up to someone else. Sometimes you get hurt and sometimes you don't but you'll have the best odds of lasting if you trust each other.
  5. Wow, I appreciate that you put yourself out there like that. It takes brass balls to do that.

    I don't think there is so much you can do here. To me it sounds like you're trying to build a foundation of happiness on other people. It's a dangerous thing to do, especially so early in young relationships. They are fleeting and can leave you back at square one.

    I think you need to work on building that foundation of happiness and contentment on yourself. You are the only constant in your life -- it's a happiness that can't be taken away. This can be a very difficult thing to do.

    I'm really not trying to trivialize relationships, in fact quite the opposite. Some day you'll meet another person who you want to put first. Somebody whose happiness you genuinely comes before your own. When you meet this person, you're going to be glad you already have a foundation of contentment for yourself. You're going to have that strength and happiness to share, and they will be able to offer what you need and desire.

    From what I hear you saying, I don't think you've found that person yet. Girlfriends are nice, they give you a sense of being needed and provide you with that intimacy we all crave. You have to separate out infatuation and love, though.

    For years and years I though I knew was love was. I had cared for other people, I had looked out for their best interests and sacrificed my own. It was difficult because in the same stroke I neglected myself. When I did find that love in another person, it changed my world profoundly. It changed who I was and what I wanted out of life.

    You'll get there - for now, find happiness in yourself, not others.

    All the best to you.
  6. Studies have shown again and again that we all subconsciously model our relationships after the one we perceived between our parents. The most obvious example of this is when the sons of cheating men cheat or the sons of abusive men hit their girlfriends.

    If you were raised by your grandmother, then you are fundamentally missing something that the majority of men are not: a role model relationship that they are subconsciously trying to recreate.

    I want to be clear: this is not anyone's fault. There is no doubt you grew up in a loving home.

    What you need to do is compensate. Decide in advance and REALLY take into yourself, what you want a relationship to look like. Be realistic, but also assess your own needs. Remember, everyone else has done this, they just don't realize it on a conscious level.

    When you are with a girl, and the two of you settle into a relationship, be upfront with her about what you are looking for based upon what your ideal relationship looks like.

    This will help in two ways: first, girls like confidence, and there's nothing that looks more confident than letting a girl know what you want and how you are going to get it. Second, it will prevent you from looking weak or lacking self-esteem later on. This is because she will know what you want and she will either deliver it or she won't. This will prevent the disappointment that comes when she fails to "read your mind" and give you what you never actually asked for. If she knows what you want and won't give it to you, the relationship probably won't get serious in the first place.

    Try your hardest to visualize your ideal relationship. Don't be a fascist about it (she must wear pink, she must have pig tails) but don't be piecemeal about it either (she should not hate me). This may take some time, and you won't get it right at first, but it will surely help you in the end.

    Good luck to you, and good vibes from all of us!
  7. sam hit the nail on the head

    i believe i could not of said it any better myself (+rep mate). i myself was doing this exact thing, i was making accomodations and putting not only my gf first but also good friends as well, and although it temporarily made me happy doing so, it was unhealthy.

    ultimately this led me to the part of life i am currently experiencing now, i broke up with my GF of 2 years, a nice break up nonetheless we still are def. friends, and now i am learning to make myself happy and my life will be forever changed for the better
  8. I don't really have any advice for you, but respect for figuring out why you feel this way. Seems like a good start to me, accepting why you feel a certain way.
  9. I think this is really pretty accurate advice. I think if it's something you feel strongly about, JobCorps, that speaking you a therapist might help you through some of these emotions.

    I really don't like sharing intimate details of my own life, but well into my adult life I harboured negative emotions towards one of my parents. Despite having a seemingly healthy relationship with them, those emotions made some kind of interactions very difficult. In the end it was worthwhile talking to a professional about that kind of stuff and our relationship become genuinely more healthy. It wasn't that the interaction changed, it was that my perspective changed. That can be helpful and there is no shame in it.

    I pretty well agree with this. I also have to stress that you shouldn't present yourself as anything you are not either. Build that outward confidence genuinely. It doesn't have to mean that you're an all-around strong-willed person, but that there is some part of you that you're confident you want to share with another person.

    Absolutely! I'm rooting for you, buddy. You deserve happiness.

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