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My Substituition Experience For Drug Testing

Discussion in 'Marijuana Consumption Q&A' started by zitorage, Mar 7, 2016.

  1. Background

    So I wanted to share my substitution method for LabCorp. I was planning on quitting just in time for summer season for jobs, but got called in for massive hires, and subsequently needed to take the drug test right asap. I am a little on the heavier side, and knew I wanted to sub.

    I perused all the forums online, lots of mixed results, with the good outlines like this one detailing every aspect of the process so you can strip it apart for your own use.

    I wanted to give as many details as possible, because during this process I had a ton of questions about the things people themselves were writing and doing. Maybe this will help elucidate some of these nuances newcomers might have coming to the idea.


    Bought a Value pack Hot Hands, 10 of them, for 5$. Hunting Section Walmart.

    Small funnel that I made sure would fit into a 5-hour energy bottle – automotive section at Walmart

    two 5-hour energy bottles (because they have a screw lid and are small. 2 just in case to reach volume and spray some urine all over to make it look real). I perused and looked all over walmart for something just the right size that screws, but nothing was right. I peed for others in 5-hour energy bottle in the past, so I know these are the best.

    A water bottle that would initially serve as a deposit for the pee.


    I had about 5 days between my interview and the actual test day. In the meantime I researched online and found a clean friend. I didn’t have time to do lots of practice; in fact I never once picked up a thermometer. This COULD have been my downfall. I highly recommend due to individual differences with Hot Hands that you buy a thermometer and check the actual temperature. What I am reporting here is my experience, but you can make it better, and you SHOULD !! A big proponent of do it right the first time.

    The day before I went to Wal-Mart and bought everything above. I opened the hot hands right away and gave them out to others, and played with it myself the day before and the morning of my test. I wanted to know how fast it gets hot and when.

    I also picked out my clothes the day before. Tried my best to look professional. I had on the following layers picked out from inner to outer:

    very small tidey-whiteys, skin-tight running girl shorts, boxers that never fit me, boxers that never fit me a little looser, boxers I actually wear.

    I didn’t practice putting on the clothes the day before, which you absolutely should. I have been using the gouch to carry goods for I dunno how long, so I was confident I would work it out. So used to this feeling on a weekly/daily basis so make sure you practice, once the clothes are on it will be difficult to take them off to adjust.

    On top of all that underwear I decided against the jeans that were a little tight, and went with workout long pants from Nike that were plain black so they could pass for formal wear…maybe…. Collared shirt.

    I packed up as much underwear of all different sizes I could just in case I needed it.

    The day of the test about 3 hours before, I went to the local gym, locked myself and tried on the clothes. They were really snug. I felt confident.

    The day of my test, I drove twice to and from my urine collection to LabCorp timing myself. After trying the clothes on. The Iphone Map estimate was correct. A rough 10 min.

    After that, I took a rest for one hour reading forums to get confidence up. At this point after talking to others and doing it myself, I had written down the cycle the heating hot hands takes. About 7, 20 min after exposure to air it was hot, but noticeably hotter at 40-45 min. So I opened 4 hot hands 1 hour before my actual test. Then I opened 2 more 5 minutes after that, and 2 more after 10 minutes. This gave me a mix I wanted of peaks and deeps in warming.

    10 min before urine collection, I went and geared up and changed clothes ready to accept the urine. At this point we are 30 minutes away from the test.


    I collected urine about 30 min before my drug test. My friend deposited in a water bottle and I quickly transferred to 5-hour bottles using a funnel.

    *** It was difficult to see when the 5-hour bottle was full. I also had no practice pouring (which u should), into the bottle. I had only made sure it was a good fit. The first 5-hour bottle was a little messy, because I wanted to cap it asap. Pee spilled out, I acted like it was nothing. Then I made the mistake of putting that 5-hour energy on metal, which took me 10 seconds to catch and quickly put a hot hands underneath and on top of the 5-hour energy bottle. It did cool down a little. I then quickly dumped the rest of the urine into the second 5-hour energy and quickly capped it. I quickly grabbed toilet paper and wiped them.


    This is why you need to practice. When I put the 5 layers of bottoms on and pants I knew I wanted to quickly stuff the hot hands. I thought about using a sock, putting the 5-hour in there and 2 hot hands. Instead I quickly learned all my boxer underwear had that extremely long reach that is a dead-end. Including the tidey-whiteys – I think its there for us to scratch ourselves. I found this deep pocket in the second pair from the inside, so I stuffed two down to the dead end. At this point I feared it was too far back and not in my gouch area. So I went to the third layer, and added a heating pad. I then took the two 5 hour energies, and haphazardly put them together and tried my best to cover both using 4 heating pads they were sitting on. I ended up just jumbling it all together, closing up, and ensuring security.

    To review: there was 2 heating pads beneath my anus in the dead end of my underwear belonging to the second layer from the inside. Another heating pad in the back dead end of my third layer of underwear. 3 in the back area. And 4 touching or immediate periphery of the two 5 hour energy bottles. For a total of 7. I thought this was too much. But figured its better hot then cold. If too hot I could swirl, blow on it, but I couldn’t heat up fast enough.

    I drove then immediately to the site, getting there a little earlier than I planned. I think I rushed in the beginning a little just to be sure. Was there 9 minutes before my appointment time (DO NOT walk in without appointment. My friend waited 4 hours at the exact same place without one).

    **** I should mention I inquired from someone specifically that took the test at my site. They had a lot of trouble that really made me nervous. This person was clean, without an appointment, and for whatever reason peed and left the cup on the counter after their test. She was supposed to bring it right away to the tech. The pee came up 89.5 * and the lady got really pissed, made a written comment, and told her to leave cause at this point drug testing was closing. She passed but that really made me nervous!!! She was clean and had trouble with temp !! o__o

    My arriving early got me jittered. So I drove to the back of the lab. I leaned with my body/pelvis area upward while in my car and adjusted things in my pants, just hand-checking the temp. I got really freaked out. There was a lady standing in sunglasses just staring at me in bewilderment off to the side. I thought damn if she is a tech on break she could report me. I drove out of the plaza being nervous, and then came back like 1 min after, this time parking immediately at Labcorp.

    I had already picked out a binder to put my papers. I took only that binder, my wallet and phone. When I walked in there was no one waiting, maybe 1 person. I checked in and was extremely nice with the lady upfront.

    I sat down to be called. I started to freak out a little. I could feel the heating pads get hotter and hotter, especially when I got up to make sure I signed in. the motion was activating them, and I felt jolts of heat. At this point the heating is peaking for some of the hot hands I assume. I don’t feel all of them just some. I don’t feel anything in the back, only the ones immediately touching my skin. I began to worry and then remembered that prolonged waiting and stalling is a mental tactic these people use. I calmed myself down and opened up the material I brought to read (school-work to keep me busy and focused). I sat down for 3 min and got called up.

    Let me state here: DRESS UP. The kid after me came in dingy clothes, piercing that could have been taken-out, asked quietly about blood work, and then correctively and with hesitation answered he was In fact there for pre-employment drug-testing. I right away thought this guy smokes. I saw he received a slightly different treatment.

    I locked up my stuff after getting called; the tech took a good look at me up and down while waiting for me at the door. I worried she thought my pant were too baggy. She was very nice and gave me all the clear instructions. I smiled and asked questions if needed. I tend to reassure and ask questions twice for assurance. Here it worked to my advantage building small talk that was distracting.

    I washed my hands in one room while the tech got 2 blue pills from inventory and put them in the toilet (across the hall from me now in a different room). I left my book in this room, but my valuables were locked up. She opened the cup in front of me, and gave me just the cup nothing else. I saw there was a temperature gauge, but I paid no attention to it after because I had no thermometer. I didn’t even care to look after pouring substitute urine. Was more concerned with coming out in a timely fashion.

    I closed the door behind me, in the corner of my eye I could see the tech was slowly walking up to the door. She was watching me, while I was pretending to be busy looking stupid at the doorknob and how to close it, pretending not to notice. I didn’t lock the door behind me, I thought this was suspicious, and knowing full well that no way in hell in medical field can you just barge in (other patients could though o_o).

    I pulled down all my layers, exposing the two 5-energies. I left the collection cup on the counter right next to the toilet. I took one of them and unscrewed it. It made a noise !! I was so worried and thought she was right outside, although I could hear lots of yelling and conversation. I figured gotta keep going maybe she didn’t hear. I don’t even know what the noise is, I assume its just from movement, and pressure buildup. She was busy talking to coworker. I put the cap on the counter and picked up the collection cup instead. I poured it out slowly as if I was peeing. Quickly capped it and back in my gouch.

    I opened the second 5-hour. It made a little noise !!! At this point, I just wanted it to be over. I tried to look for any line that said how much I needed to pee, didn’t see it and just poured between ½ and 3/4th of the urine into the collection cup. This 5-hour energy was noticeably warmer, and more in the back towards my anus. The rest I used to flake droplets around the toilet rim and so on so it would be visible.

    I put the collection on the counter, and quickly stuffed the 5-hour energy away. Checked that nothing was showing or out and I could walk without things falling out In a matter of miliseconds, grabbed the cup and went outside. The tech was coming out from the back of the supply room – I gave no indication of my excitement about this.


    As I came out, and the tech was coming out of the supply closet under the impression I was done and moving swiftly to direct me to the room where she needs to check the temp of the specimen. She put the collection cup on piece of paper on the counter, and started talking to me about the paperwork. I was instructed to wash my hands. We made small talk now about medicine. She had me sign my name and initials, I forgot the date, asked her to be sure, and she was sweet and I said thank you.

    She now comments that I look ready and that I am ready as a person having brought a folder – really liked that. Again, psychology. I feel like this person made up their mind right away if I would pass or not. Play the part.

    So I signed my papers, she is checking over if everything is checked off, OHHH SHOOOOTTTT she forgot to check the temperature. She checks the box anyways that it is between 90 – 100. It has been 1 min now since the pee has been on the counter. It is in fact within range :)

    We go trough extensive instructions and initials that ensure the test is not tempered and it’s ready for testing. She is in a hurry, but I make small talk. She jokes and ensures me the test will not be lost.

    I thank her and say please along the way, and retrieve my stuff. She is in a hurry still, wishes me a good day twice, and leaves instructing me where to exit. I ask one last question about procedure she just said, and then thank her for her time, and walk out.

    The Lady with a Stare

    I walk out. The lady I initially saw in the back of the plaza is staring at me, but a distance off (50 + feet). Kinda freaked out, but I think hmmm she is prolly waiting for a ride. She looks like a civilian. I decide to confuse her just in case, and enter 2 more medical offices in the plaza. I sit down in both pretending to wait for my “mom” to come out. One office questions me upon arrival immediately, and I act the part of making a mistake. Yes the office lady looks at me funny after I give a name that is not even a patient, and I say oops I made a mistake and walk out. She is still in the plaza staring. I feel like I have confused her sufficiently and leave right away, nonchalant. LoooL.

    ~ Closing ~

    *** It’s not as stressful as you make it out to be. Afterwards you feel like everyone: this was easy and I worried too much.

    *** Use a thermometer that doesn’t beep and practice EVERY SINGLE STEP of the process. Seriously. Don’t do it wrong then be screwed out of a job, or worse have to pee with people watching.

    *** I got lucky. With the noise and temp. I didn’t have time to practice too much, so I tried to look up what others were doing with hot hands and how much. Work this out on your own if you have any time available, if not then you might have to estimate like I did and hope for the best (not recommended).

    *** Don’t do anything in the plaza but walk out of the car and go. Do not freak out over things you cannot control. The process is meant to shake ya a little, so don’t let it.

    *** Appointment is absolutely necessary.

    *** Practice, practice, and practice again. You need to figure out how many hot hands, in whatever position, will keep urine hot and for how long. So you want to play around with using a sock for 5-hour and hot hands, or try using rubber band. In both cases people I read used 1 pad attached really close. I used 2 per bottle but not strapped together but touching nonetheless.

    *** Best of luck !!!!! I hope this helps !!!!!
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  2. Just got the news I start this week ! :yay:
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  3. Glad to hear it! This was so helpful. Taking a test on Friday, hopefully I'll be as lucky as you!
  4. #4 killset, Mar 7, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2017
    Careful with those hot hands. They can easily overheat. I give tests at work but am also sometimes tested. Though I'm always warned. I was given a test once and told I should be dead. After asking why the guy giving me the test showed me the temp strip. It was maxed those hot hands can get up to 130° or something close I believe it say on the package. now I just warm it and stick it under my ball sack. Stays the right temp for hours.

    A single 5 hr energy drink container is the right amount to get above the line a just about any test.

    You put piss droplets around the toilet the test person was probably thinking what a nasty fuck. I hate to tell you this but most of us guys have had enough practice to hit a big hole from a short distance. You better get to practicing if you cant. You're overly paranoid bro
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