Sometimes I need to look around and reflect. So I think I'm just a pretty off dude, man. i don't know. I took a lot of drugs in freshman year being totally experimental and naive. The only thing I made a habit of was ciggarettes... weed.. and random drugs. All I do now is smoke weed and all the other shit that is utter crap is done, and I am now going to graduate at the end of the year. (I stayed back in grade-school, I'm 18.) But I feel so weird and off at some times, and I really don't know how. I have motivation, and I don't have motivation. I don't know what in the world i'm going to do with myself, and all the hobbies I say I love, I seem to not make a passion out of these things or even get obsessed with them in a good way - such as guitar, or coding, or anything that could be useful in life. I'd rather lie in a eurphoric mood my whole life, but wouldn't anyone? The average person, or atleast the majority of people who seek the "euphoric mood" would use drugs, to get that euphoric plain for a short while. And that euphoric mood, i'm not talking heroin or ecstacy. Just the peace of mind. The adventure, the experience, the high - pure bliss or not. weed, shrooms, dxm, whatever your poison. I've grown to believe there is a time and place for drugs that you are meant to do, but the only way to do it safely in my eyes - and the way its meant to be done - is when it just falls in your path spontaneously. I live in a very very rural area and shit doesn't easy fall in your path. it's rare!. but I feel like at the end of the day I'd go on a rabbit chase for weed, psychedelics... or anything exciting that would be that euphoric mood. I'd drive around all day wasting gas money and TIME with friends, just hoping to get the euphoric mood at the end. The chase for it was half the fun i guess. It's not an issue of finding the right connections.. but more just of a reason why? I know some day, you know, I might get that awesome 100% pure mdma or an ounce of sour diesel. but then it'll be over, and i'll be back to having waste money, creating a happy memory that longs to recreate that certain euphoric mood, and back to square one. I guess this is my life in a nutshell. I also have a crazy korean girlfriend who is quite cute but has very bad anxiety at times, and sex is great, and love is nice... or companionship.. someone who rubs you right...attraction..., but right girl or not it's nothing to complete life. it's almost the same as a drug at the end of the day. So blades I guess i'm just wondering how you guys feel about life sometimes? I don't know what I am or doing. I don't need no damn antidepresssents. religion is too good I'm healthy But I might be a loser, if society took a birdseye view of my life.
Watch out, GC is having a civil war over mentioning those "unmentionables". I am pleased with the side you chose. I think you're cool OP, I hope you and me both find a pound of sour D laying around some day!
thanks for the headsup man. sorry i rambled! but thanks for listening! haha and for real man, it would be nice
hmm, kind of sound like me. I really have no desire to do anything. I'm serious, I never want to do anything, but smoke and chill with my friends. I look at it like this, I'm here on this earth for just a handful of years, how the hell can I do something that I don't want to? This philosophy that I live by, is a blessing and a curse. I suck at school (good test grades got a 27 overall ACT and a 31 on my reading) but I have like a 2.0 gpa. I don't do hw, I just would rather do something else. This is my first semester in college, and I fucked up. Crazy thing is, I know I'll lead a nice life, a life where I get enjoyment out of it, because shit, isn't that all we can strive for? Meh, once weed becomes legalized on the federal level, I'm going to open up a coffee shop, that's my dream. One day
i agree with you about how spontaneous drug experiences are often the best. when you waste time planning a bunch of shit, often you create expectations for it that dont pan out. but a few weekends ago i was hanging out with my ex girlfriend and we spontaneously decided to roll, pretty much on the spot. it was pretty amazing, because i didnt expect it.
I can relate. i'm always chasing my next high. i've been smoking for maybe 5 years and always have cycles of heavily smoking, or occasionally smoking. lately i've been heavy. and i've been trying to get some unmentionables myself, i have connects but the last few times have not even been worth my trouble. its just another dolla wasted and i dont think ill try to get any unless they come to me. i want to have significant experiences, and i've had quite a few these past 2 years. but now i find myself unsatisfied with daily life. i don't feel the depth that i used to, and its hard to find without my mind being altered. for a while my eyes were opened and i was in awe of all the beauty around me. i felt enlightened and empowered. now all i see is ugliness, in people, in the world, in myself. i think my mind just needs a rest is all. beauty is truth, and truth is beauty. i wont deny that whatever i used to feel was real
I had a bad acid trip and since then I have quit everything, even alcohol. I just started a full time job monday and will most likely end up having a career here. Either A.) You just change it up one day and make a snap decision to alter your life. or B.) Something happens that forces you to change. Sadly B happened to me, as it does to most people. Take the initiative to just say "fuck it" and change what you're doing. Weed makes you apathetic, and don't let the stoners here tell you it gives them "inspiration". Weed holds a lot of people back, move on.
Have you tried meditation? As stupid as it sounds sometimes just sitting with yourself and letting your thoughts come to fruition is what it takes to finally settle. Believe me dude, your story strikes very near to me. I have been/periodically am in the same situation as you. I'm too hardheaded to be prescribed pharmaceuticals for the various issues I appear to have (never had an official diagnosis of).
I'm probably going to ramble on so bear with me here... At this point in my life, I know that I am on the verge of letting myself go. Maybe i'm just giving up too easily but I just dont have the 'spark' to get up every morning and do the same thing day in day out till the day that I die. I mean I have these moments of inspiration but I just don't act upon them. They might as well be delusions, you know? I think that I need to live life a bit more spontaneously. This ridiculous ritual isn't going too well for me. And i'm not even a daily toker... Theres always been this thought in the back of my mind, as if im programmed to believe it, that makes me contemplate how null we are. Sure we can accomplish all these seemingly glorious tasks in the name of humanity, but honestly, what does it even amount to? All there is going to be is more conflict over our petty emotions of which we are so accustomed to. As humans I think we take far too much comfort in the fact that we are a dominant species on this planet. Any threat against our signifigance is not only a threat against our individuality but against the foundations of society. I think thats why people feel insignificant when they look at the cosmos and how expansive it is. It's cause they thought they were 'big' to begin with, when in actuality, we're really not. Sure you can make the argument that we are concious and empowered by technology, but what makes us any different from any other carbon based life, or just life in general? The way I see it we're just an arrangment of molecules that can perform certain functions. Call me a cynic, nihilist, etc.. but the fact remains that we are all pretty much the same pile of flesh that is one day going to decompose. So you might as well have a good time while you're here. Induldge and find the inner hedonist within
You seem to be doing well. You are taking a critical look at yourself and your life which means you are a winner, not a loser. Losers never take a careful look at what they are doing and how their actions effect them and those around them. Winners on the other hand are constantly re-evaluating and looking for ways to improve, such as you have done. I would feel good about it if I were you. Life has its ups and downs. Don't let it get you down!
i hear you man. I get the same vibe for sure, and I definitely know what you mean about having to be completely spontaneous sometimes to dull the everlasting monotony that we can feel wrapped in sometimes.