Whatsup GC? I decided I'd post some old poetry of mine that I wrote a while back ago. I'd like to hear your opinions on my work and am wondering if anybody thinks that my poetry has any potential to possibly be published. Hope you like my work The Forced Original Date Unknown Who are we? We are the Forced Forced, we are, to live in eternal darkness Forever enveloped in the pitch black blanket of the night Forced, we are, to constantly endure the morbid horror lit faces of our dying victims And, forced we are, to repeat this cycle as Angelic Assassins Our beautiful make up and bright red lipstick makes it so easy to lie and deceive Who are we? We are the hated We are the hated--the most hated and protested Most hated and discriminated We're always running because we're always wanted Dead or alive--that's the deal Your hate cuts deeply into me because it's always real Who are we? We are the Agnostics... We are the Agnostics--but we are NOT the Ritualistic Satanic Scum you make us out to be! Your ignorance enrages my torn and tattered soul to the point of pure insanity! MADNESS!! MADNESS!! MADNESS!!! Who are we? We're the ever so charming Masters of Darkness We're the Parasite's of the Night Feasting and sucking upon your blood supply Watching your life fade and die Watching your life fade and die Soon you'll be one of us Soon you'll be one of us (We're the vampire's) SCARRED LOVE I'm emotionally scarred Pain dug deep inside of my skin and coping with this loss is getting hard I loved you and trusted you Kissed you and touched you And the more I held onto you The more I longed for you Depressed and shattered Torn and tattered Its so unreal, so unbelievable I fell in love with a liar, a cheater and a backstabber I gave you my love, my heart and my trust and in the end you destroyed it all with your conquest for lust This is fucked up Before you nothing mattered Now you wanna push me aside like I don't matter? FUCK YOU, BITCH!! I WON'T LET IT MATTER!! FUCK YOU, CUNT!! I WON'T LET YOU MATTER!! My soul is withered and torn I swear too fucking God I wish I had never been born I wanna slit my wrist and die in a pool of blood It really gets me off when I masturbate too the self inflicted pain I've dreamt of you so much I've gone mentally fucking insane WHAT IN THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN? I wanna forgive you I just don't wanna give you a second chance I'm tired of wishing and wishing for a fairy tale romance Happy endings don't exist You were supposed too be my one and only princess We had a bond that was not too be broken but you broke it regardless This is fucked up BITCH YOU'VE GOT ME FUCKED UP!! My obsession is the very cause of my depression FUCK IT!!! I'm sure that with another blade too wrist session that I'll die in soon succession
Yeah, uhh... The first poem is pretty cool... I think I would remove the last part... let the reader draw their own conclusions... the beautiful quality most well-constructed poetry has is that it can be view subjectively, so what you have written may not make the person reading it think of vampires. If you were to remove it, it might be better. Just my thoughts. The second one is bollocks... you shouldn't swear needlessly like that, it ruined it for me. If you want, check my poem out... it'll be in my created threads.
one thing with the first poem is the fact that you always speak as We, but then occasionally you'll say me/my/firstpersonpov and then you'll say You. That's just annoying and inconsistent. 2nd one sounds like an Eminiem song.
Wet Horse Lips--I see what you're saying about removing the very last part of the first poem. I actually thought so too but wasn't sure if that was a good idea or not. I happen to like the swearing in my second poem though, so I'll keep that one the way it is. Fall4Life--I never really thought that my second poem sounded like a song Eminem would do but now that you mention it it does, which is awsome because I'm a huge fan of Slim Shady. Thanks for the comments people. I'll post up some new poetry later on. Oh yeah, and I'll be sure to peep your poetry sometime too Wet Horse Lips!!
Whatever floats your boat man. It's your work. If you like it, keep it dude. There's obviously a reason for your use of such words, and I won't question what it is. Just keep at it. You can only improve. And yeah, it's the Making and Taking of Masculinity that you'll wanna check out by me.
Untitled Stoner Poem 02/07/10 I'm flyin' higher than I've ever flown before You can't stop me, can't drop me, so forever I shall soar Let's eat some shrooms and take a trip beyond the stars Tokin' it up all the way to the planet Mars Binging on xanex bars Chillin' in my space shuttle as high as a kite You can't knock the way I'm livin' 'cuzz I'm feelin' alright Floating away outta sight Flyin' higher than I've ever flown before yet still I want more Dial up the dealer I'm on a shopping spree to get whatever is in store And this is where I stopped. Does it sound complete? It sounds incomplete to me, but I guess that I just don't know where I'm going with it. Maybe I'll complete it the next time I get blitzed.