my poem. tell me how u feel about it

Discussion in 'The Artist's Corner' started by tetoleetd, Apr 26, 2011.

  1. just a poem i wrote. i write fairly often and just decided to post this on here. any serious feedback is appreciated.

    if u look deep into her eyes
    u will see
    someone who wants love
    if u look even deeper u will find
    a little girl that is blind
    no purpose
    no sense of direction
    but underneath the surface
    this little girl wants attention
    her eyes tell ther story that her words never could
    n because of this she lives her life misunderstood
    puttin on a smile day after day
    secretly hopin the pain would fade away
    when shes all alone the pain eats her alive
    n she curses the skies
    screamin how can i survive?
    n even tho she tried
    whoever is watchin over her
    wouldnt let her take her pride
    her eyes tell the story that her words never could
    n because of this she lives her life misunderstood
  2. it's good, man, but I think you could easily improve by actually spelling the words properly. It doesn't seem like a poem when you use 'u' and 'n' and cut out the 'g' of 'ing'.

    As well, it rhymes but it doesn't flow for me. I think you need to have more of a pattern with syllables. It'll flow much better with a syllabic pattern.
  3. #3 tetoleetd, Apr 26, 2011
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 26, 2011

    i only use proper spelling when i am writing something professional or doing something for school. its just shorter and easier for me to do it this way when i am just writing for fun.

    and yea i know what u mean about the syllables. i dont usually work on a poem to make it perfect. i use it more as a medium to get my feelings out and leave it as is. i could deff work on them more and make them better.

    also id like to add that it is a poem, but its basically written as a rap(at least in my head). i have no rapping skills whatsoever but thats kinda how i write them.
  4. I think it's perfect , I can totally relate to this, I think it flows to me I love it
  5. honestly i have had a bad morning at work..after reading that even though work still sucks ass I really like your poem lol..There are always things you can criticize usually when individuals write these types of poems but I thought it was nice. I dig it:hello:
  6. thank you i appreciate it.
  7. haha work always sucks but im glad u dug my poem.
  8. bumpadump
  9. well i just saw poetry in the thread title and my trolly sense hit 10. unfortunately for me the poem is pretty good. so fuck you :)
  10. That poem is absolute shit. People like you are destroying the English language.
  11. Nice poem, dude. I can relate a lot, not only in myself but others who are afraid to face who they really are and the stuggle to find identity in a world soley based on image.. Good reflection :)
  12. i for one do not wish to encourage poetry,

    they just start clogging up the cafes and bars and before you know it they've hired a jazz band.
  13. Knot, caught.
  14. maybe your better off learning the harmonica. although i wouldnt like to encourage that either
  15. thanks :) i appreciate it. im glad some people can relate to it .
  16. lol dude your crazy.
  17. interesting response. no need to be so harsh over some words that dont even effect you.
  18. i think he was joking

    jeez these poets are so damn intense

    jk hehe

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